Part 1: Christians, God never intended sexual intimacy for procreation alone.

After my first blog about expectations from marriage, I realised that it would be instructive to share some of the most important aspects about marriage over the next couple of days. Today, I am going to talk about one of the most important, yet misunderstood but ‘not-talked-about’ aspects of marriage – Sexual intimacy.

Myles Munroe, in his book, ‘The power and purpose of Love and Marriage’ says that Many couples are confused about their sexuality, not so much with regard to their sexual identities as with understanding how to properly relate to each other sexually. Sexual dysfunction can be a significant source of frustration, conflict and unhappiness in marriage. The world has a lot to talk about sex even though based on error and misconceptions, but the church does not say much about it. This is tragic because believers, who know and follow the God who created sex and established its proper parameters, should be able to speak more intelligently and confidently about it than anyone else.

My wife and I are privileged to be one of the teams in church that talk to young people about marriage before they get married. So I will be discussing the Christian perspectives about sexual intimacy.

The Bible says that ‘You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free’. So I intend to talk about some of the facts and myths of sex in marriage. Please note that I refer to sexual intimacy in marriage because it is only permissible in marriage.

1. God created sex for procreation alone. False: God created sex for 3 reasons – Procreation, pleasure and communication. Procreation – God blessed them and said to them, Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it. Pleasure – Let’s be frank: Sex is fun. God meant for us to enjoy sex; otherwise, why would He have designed it to be so pleasurable? Check the Songs of Solomon - it is a legitimate book of the Bible. I am sure some ‘spiritual’ Christians would be ‘shocked’ about its contents. Communication - Sexual intercourse does not create intimacy, love, or oneness. However, it can express or communicate intimacy, love and oneness if they are present in the marriage relationship. No one should be more intimate physically, mentally, or emotionally than a husband and wife.

2. You do not need pornography to assist in lovemaking even in marriage. True. Lovemaking is supposed to be an exploratory journey between husband and wife and should not be subject to the intrusive, demonic influences of pornography. You have good Christian books to assist you in the knowledge of the physical and sexual needs of your spouse. You must know about the various expectations, do’s and don’ts and what edifies the matrimonial bed. I do recommend these Christian books - ‘The act of marriage’ by Tim and Beverly LaHaye; ‘Intended for Pleasure’ by Ed Wheat and Gaye Wheat.

3. Discuss about your sexual needs with your partner. True. Husbands and wives should be able to discuss about their sexual needs as this will go a long way in helping to satisfy each other sexually. They should be able to discuss their likes and dislikes also. Myles Munroe says that sexual relations are a normal part of marriage that each spouse has the right to expect from the other as well as the responsibility to give to the other.

I Corinthians 7:3-5 states that ‘Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self control.

So you have a right to discuss with your partner if

• He needs to brush his teeth before he wants you to kiss him;
• You do not like his/her body odour and this prevents you from concentrating during lovemaking
• He wants to make love after a particularly hectic day at work when you are genuinely tired. This is better than faking headaches.
• You need to synchronise the number of times you make love in a week. Too many or too few.
• You have a problem with being ‘loose’ with your husband as it may seem improper. However note that there is no problem being loose with your husband. And your husband should not see it as a problem. However, discuss it.
• Your wife always wears ‘unsexy’ pyjamas when you would prefer she wears beautiful negligees.
• You do not appreciate being left high and dry when he has had his way. Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mam. Tell Him you need to fulfil your sexual needs too. And Husbands, lovemaking is more hard work than you think. Also, a man feels better when he can get his wife to reach her peak too.

Click here for Part 2.