The Role of the wife

I had to enlist the help of my wife in writing this piece. So everything written here has been vetted by my wife.

I praise my wife. Indeed I do. The modern times has not made it easy for the wife as she has been ‘dragged’ into helping in the provision of the family. It is now a battle between the home and the office. The modern woman spends between 8 – 12 hours out of a possible 16 hours in a day in the office. Some believe they get more relevance in the office compared to the home. She asks, “Why can’t I go out to work? Why can’t I go to the marketplace to compete? What a man can do, a woman can do better. Compared to the office, the role of the wife and mother at home may be seen as a diminishing role. But to some people, the role of building and taking care of the home is definitely NOT a diminishing role. It is a full time job. In many ways, it is just as complex as the marketplace. There’s the family’s nutrition, home decoration, kids handling and budgeting to juggle.

But what does the Bible say about the role of the wife and mother?

Proverbs 31:10-31 is often cited as the epitome of a wonderful wife and mother. This is one passage that makes every husband very happy and you would often see him reciting this to his wife .

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.  She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.  She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.  Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

The Role of the Husband

This article is to remind husbands of their roles and to advise the ‘wanna-be’ husbands of what is in store for them. If you are a man, please read and take note. If you are a woman, send the article to your husband or fiancé.

With the proliferation of wrong stereotypes by Hollywood; what with ‘reality’programmes like “House-husbands”, sitcoms like “The Simpsons”, “My Family”, that portray the husband as slow and dimwitted; Tim Gunn’s “Tim Gunn’s Guide to style  and the fashion show “Queer Eye for the straight Guy” that encourage men to get in touch with their feminine side (whatever that means) ; the average man on the street has no clue as to roles and responsibilities of the husband demanded by God in marriage.

What does the Bible say about husbands? Ephesians 5:21-33

From the very beginning, God designed someone to be in charge, and someone to help. Someone to be, as it were, "in authority," and someone to be "in submission." Someone to be the leader and someone to be the follower. Someone to provide and someone to be provided for. The man has the role of the headship, and the woman has the role of the one for whom that headship is to be provided. The man is the one who protects, provides, preserves, and cares for the woman who is "a fitting," or "suitable helper" for him.

Do you have mother-in-law troubles?

Some years ago, I met a Christian woman who was happy that she was getting married to a man whose mother was dead. As far as she was concerned, mother-in-laws spelt trouble and she believed that if her fiancé’s mother was alive, she would interfere in her marriage.

The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is one of the most interesting relationships in marriage and family life. These two people can be the best of friends or the worst of enemies. For the daughter-in-law, it could be like gaining a second mother or it could be entering a relationship filled with tension and jealousy.

You, as the daughter-in-law, need to assess the reasons why you do not get along. You need to discuss with your husband and come up with possible solutions to this issue. Ask yourself some very hard questions. Do you see her as a threat to your home? Are you jealous of the control she still wields over your husband? Do you think she is jealous of you? Is your husband always trying to please her at your expense? Is she trying to raise your children her own way? Once you have found out what the true issues are, you need to pray about this. You need to extend the olive branch to her.  You also need to let your husband define the roles of wife and mother to his mother. He needs to be able to talk to his mother since she is his mother. Now this is the approach to take if your husband is bold enough to talk to his mother and can enforce the new regime. If on the other hand your husband cannot stand up to his mother, you will need to take the matter to the Lord in prayer. You need to pray for your husband and your mother-in-law about the issue and be patient. Always show love. Do not constantly nag your husband about the situation or force him to try and take sides. Nothing is so important that it should come between the two of you. Try your best to present a united front and approach the situation in a direct manner. Keep in mind that someday you are going to be a mother-in-law yourself. Aspire to be the type of daughter-in-law that you hope to have someday.

Since this is a forum for husbands and wives, I must address the husbands because husbands have a major role to play in this issue. Husbands, the Bible says that ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh’. This means that the husband should leave his mother. The umbilical cord should no longer connect a man and his mother when the man is married. As a Christian husband, you should protect your wife from unnecessary harassments; even from your mother. You know that your wife left the care of her parents and followed you under the assumption that you would take care of her and love her unconditionally. So take charge and inform your mother that your wife is your responsibility and you would defend her always. You are her knight in shining armour. 

Shalom. 

Secret wishes of people in marriage

How I wish he would do something about his tommy, it is too big. How I wish she would stop giving excuses about her laziness, she never gets anything done. How I wish he would help in the housework on Saturdays instead of wasting time in front of the TV watching football. 

How I wish she would stop making that irritable sound at the back of her throat, all in the name of scratching the back of her throat. How I wish he would stop being funny when we go out. Doesn’t he know he is embarrassing us? How I wish she would do something about her weight.  

Wishes, Wishes, Wishes. These issues have been long standing unresolved issues in marriages. Harmless as they may be, when there are arguments, they become major issues that aggravate the quarrels. What have we done with these issues? 

Some people choose to ignore the issues while some continually nag about the issues. Have you discussed the issue with your spouse? Have you approached God with the issues? You may say that you have discussed this issue with him (her) but the excuse is always ‘that is how I was made, I can’t change now’.

My Wedding Anniversary....12 years on the 12th September

Whao!!  It is so interesting that I have been married to the same woman for 12 years. And I still love her very, very much.

When I met her, I liked her. But now I love her.  I am the kind that believes you can’t say you love someone when you really don’t know the person. You can only love someone when you have known the person for years.

I was ready for marriage from my youth. I am the kind that, at 14, used to look up in the skies to try to think of what my future wife would be doing at the same time. I wasn’t ready to date. I had discussed with God and told him that I would be pure and holy provided he would give me the girl of my dreams – a fair, tall, God fearing woman who could tell no lies. I had my ‘spiritual’ attributes and ‘physical’ attributes. Now, don’t tell me God is not into this kind of things. He made us; He knew what I would like in a woman; So I sent the list back to Him to help me find my helpmate. HE DID. I love Him for this and I thank God for my wife.

I met her when I taught a business class in my church (Covenant Christian Center). She was one of the students and she turned out to be the best in the class.  (Not too worry, She is just 2 years younger than me o!).

I am thankful to all those that made this marriage possible. First, God; Remi, my wife who said Yes;  Mr and Mrs Olanihun – My Parents-In-law; my late parents; my siblings; Remi’s siblings; Pastor Poju Oyemade of Covenant Christian Center (I had to ask him about Remi - whether she was a good person)

The last 12 years have been eventful. Fun, Joy and Laughter and 3 blessed children.

Do I have any regrets? Any regrets about marrying my one and only Remi? No. I can’t think of any. It was definitely a battle of wits in the initial days of the marriage. What more would you expect from 2 first borns? Remi, the first of five and Me, the first of five too. First born children are used to having things done their own way and tend to be ‘bosses’. But we always sorted things out. We set rules in our household such as not keeping the score of hurts; always apologising when one party has wronged the other; sleeping on the same bed, not two beds; e.t.c

So this is from me to you, Oluwaremilekun Olabisi Ebuehi. You are once, twice, three times a lady and I love you. I cherish you. I bless the day I found you and I thank God that He helped me find you in my youth. You were created especially for me and I know I will definitely grow old with you. Happy Anniversary, my love.

P.S

Every couple deserves happiness. Just let God take charge and let your marriage be like the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church. Unconditional Love. Let your partner be your friend and your lover. 

Part 2: Conflict resolution in Marriage

Related Post: Part 1: Conflict resolution in Marriage

Some actions that can be particularly destructive when faced with conflicts in marriage, are :

• Walking out in the middle of the conflict;
• Intensifying the argument in the middle of the conflict;
• Ignoring your spouse;
• Ridiculing, mocking or belittling your spouse or your spouse’s feelings and ideas in the midst of conflict;

• Believing destructive things about your spouse that are not true (that is, your spouse is actively trying to make your life miserable).