1. Excuses ( I don’t have time, I need to get my ducks in a row, I’m shy etc…)
2. Fear of rejection ( number one is really a cover up for number 2)
Okay, so really one BIG thing gets in the way of men securing dates. Men don’t want to be rejected, so they don’t put in the effort.
The thing is, there’s always a reason to fear. When you are single, on the one hand, you can fear rejection, on the other hand, you can fear going through this life alone.
When you are in a relationship, you can fear them dying or leaving you.
My point is that fear is valid. Rejection is inevitable at some point while you’re single. And when you’re in a relationship, your spouse may not leave you, but they are eventually going to die before or after you. (or maybe at the same time) I know, how morbid.
My other point is that even though fears are valid, you don’t have to focus on them. You can get over your fears or take your shift away from thinking about your fears by focusing on the benefit of what you can gain and what you can give.
I’m going to focus on the fear of rejection.
To be in the right mindset, you must believe that the benefit of what you can possibly gain and give to the other person is worth the risk of rejection.
If you don’t believe this equation,
what you can gain and give; the possible rejection,
then you’re never going to move from intention (wanting a girlfriend) to action (actually going out and asking girls out on a regular basis).
Are you sure you even want a girlfriend? If you’re just interested in sex and think that having a girlfriend is not worth the trouble, then it’s too easy to just find some porn online and get your release that way.
Sex is not a big enough motivator to pursue women because it’s too easy to fool yourself into thinking that porn + manual stimulation is good enough because you don’t have to go through the trouble of having to possibly get rejected. But settling for this (yes it is settling), or settling for one night stands is like choosing to always eat candy instead of a meal. Even if it is sweet, it will always leave you unsatisfied and aching for something with more substance.
Because the good stuff, the satisfying stuff, happens when it gets serious.
And if you don’t want a girlfriend or wife or you think it’s not worth the trouble, ask yourself why?
Maybe you see your buddies who have long term girlfriends or are married and they don’t seem happy. Maybe they have lost their freedom, maybe all they do is bitch about their wives, or maybe they don’t look forward to going home anymore.
Maybe all the examples of long term relationships disappoint you, including the relationship your parents have/had.
How do you get in this right mindset?
1. You need good role models, like the old married couple at church who are still happy and in love.
Why not spend some time with them, asking them how they make it work? Maybe it seems like a ridiculous idea or waste of time, but I’m telling you that if you don’t have examples of good relationships around you, there’s no WAY you’re going to be motivated to want to pursue a woman for more than something casual.
And on top of that, it will be difficult to create a good relationship if you’ve never even seen what a good relationship looks like. If you’ve only seen dysfunctional relationships or relationships that involve selfish people, it will look like the norm.
2. You have to realize your role around women.
Be empowered by the truth that God created woman FOR man. There would be no “Eve” if there was no “Adam.” God created her to be a “helper” for him. (See Genesis 2:18-25)
This means that not only is she equipped for this role of helping you be the best man in this life (what you gain), but you need her! She also needs you to fulfill her role in helping you(what you give). God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone in this life (even in paradise), and God made a woman to fit that role of primary companion.
(*side note: none of this applies if you have the “gift of singleness.” See 1 Corinthians 7:6-9)
3. You have to believe that you have something to offer a woman that she wants and finds attractive.
Think about it. I mean honestly think about it. Do you possess any qualities that you are SURE a woman is looking for?
Here are some things that all women universally want in a man off the top of my head:
1. A good listener.
2. An honest, loyal partner.
3. A man who doesn’t have a temper.
4. A man who is responsible and has goals.
5. Someone who will pay attention to them and adore them.
Do you have any of these traits? Do you have other traits that you think women will benefit from? What do you bring to the table? If you see that you have these things, why are you withholding yourself from finding a woman who can benefit from them? Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you have to look or act a certain way to get a good woman. You will sift through those women who don’t give you a chance, and you will find a woman who has a good head on her shoulders and who will recognize these qualities that take longer to discover.
Remember this:
The right mindset that will help you find dates is first and foremost to believe that the final outcome (having a girlfriend/wife) is worth all the trouble of getting rejected by some (or many) women before you meet the right one.
In summary, here’s what you need to be in the right mindset:
1. Couples who are good role models (they have a relationship you want to emulate)
2. The understanding of your role as a man in a woman’s life.
3. A firm understanding of what you bring to the table.
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