Trying To Conceive?

The long wait for a child can be hell. With family and friends always asking "What are you waiting for?" While some people are sensitive, for others it will hit it in your face and you might be faced with snide comments. It's very normal for women to feel unhappy if they have no kids. Single ladies approaching 30 or above 30 get uncomfortable around their married friends, talk less of married women without kids.  It is really hard to understand the pain of trying to conceive except you have been there.

• When you laugh or smile and play, people will ask "what is making you happy, instead of you to be crying that you are barren".
• When you are down and praying , they say you are envious. They remind you of the several boyfriends you had back in University.
• When you stay away (so that you avoid the two points above), they say you are not happy for them.
• When they offer you ridiculous ways out (like taking you to a herbalist) and you decline, they say you are proud and your suffering never start.
• When you tell them you are waiting on God for His miracle, they say 'Heaven helps those who help themselves'
• When you go to church, the pastor indirectly says you are barren because of your sins or lack of sowing seed to the church.
• When you correct a child for doing wrong, the mother will remind you of how barren you are.
• When you eventually get pregnant and keep it to yourself, they get mad that because you did not inform them; they say it is fake, or you adopted, or you did surrogacy, like any of those are bad. 
• When you give your precious miracle child several names, they call you illuminati.

Some in-laws put so much pressure on the sons that they find it hard to support their wives. Then the pressure is transferred directly to the wife, which is totally unfair and the most disturbing part is that the infertility may not be the wife's fault to start with.

I'm sure a lot of people will be like "no way", but this is the reality, especially in Africa. People need to understand that children are gifts from God and being blessed with them has nothing to do with our righteousness or lack thereof. Women should learn not to brag about how easy it is for them to conceive. Your spouse is really the only person that can keep you calm and sane; spouses should support and love one another through it all. A lot of us give in to family, peer and religious pressure too easily!!

You and your spouse might have prayed a lot, given extra charity, and done other spiritually beneficial acts that hasn't resulted in having a baby. Realise that these are not wasted. No good deed is ever wasted, even if it doesn't get us the results or object that we want. If you look at your ordeals only as barriers to getting what you want, you will miss much of the point of life's challenges. They are supposed to transform us, make us into more giving, caring individuals. Understand that God controls nature. While we are not supposed to rely on miracles, and have to do everything that is normally required in order to achieve results. The Almighty over turns nature when it suits His purposes. .We are often misled into believing that what doctors tell us is the truth, and that life and death are in their hands.

We need to remember that doctors are only God's agents, and He is the ultimate Healer and Giver of Life. When we believe only in what is rational or natural, we limit our lives. When we attach ourselves to our Creator, and to His constant providence, miracles can, and do, occur. We must try to mold what we want to fit God's agenda, that's what life is all about.

Finally, I learned the power of prayer. We sometimes think that we should only pray as a last resort, and then when we don't get the results we want, we don't do it again for a long time. Reading the scriptures is the way that we hear God talking to us. Praying is the way that we talk to Him. Every relationship requires communication, and we need to always keep open the channels of communication with our Creator.

We may not necessarily get the things that we want, but we can always have the relationship that we want. Being close to God can change us so dramatically that we become people who are worthy of getting blessings that are out of this world.

Ijeoma Olujekun.