Do I Think He Will Change After Marriage?

Ever so often, I get emails from ladies telling me of the apprehension about their fiancés and their hopes that they will change for the better when they get married.

For instance, a lady said that the fiancé does not respect her parents and thinks that after marriage, he will grow to like her parents. She desperately wants him to change but is scared that time is running out as the proposed marriage date is getting nearer.

From the secular perspective, men are at their best behaviour when dating ladies; i.e. before marriage. Now if this is the man's best behaviour, what do you really expect him to do after the wedding ceremony when the woman's father has given her over to him.

I sincerely believe that every person is entitled to list all that he/she can tolerate and what he/she cannot tolerate. For instance, if you are in a relationship with a habitual liar and you can't stand liars; I think you should reconsider the relationship. The lying will be magnified after marriage. Also, if a man does not defend you before his family before marriage, do not expect him to change in a hurry when he marries you.

What if I don't like my spouse's friend, What do I do?

Some people think once you are married, you need to do away with all your friends. Some spouses frown at the fact that their partners still want to keep their old friends especially the single ones even after marriage.

I remember in one of my pre-marital counselling classes, a lady said that she did not approve of some of her fiancé's  friends. She expected that her fiancé would stop hanging out with such friends immediately they got married. The fiancé in question didn't understand why his fiancee didn't like his friends when she didn't spend time getting to know them.

I personally think that both parties in a marriage should understand that each had friends before they hooked up. And it is not always easy to ditch childhood friends. However each should consider the other party's reasons for not liking their friends.

Does your physical appearance matter in marriage?

Have you noticed that that most people’s appearance changes after marriage? Usually, the guy is the first to change - an extra padding of fat everywhere, he looks more beefed up and then for some, the ‘beer’ belly (eeeewww). Thankfully, not all of them get that far, though some think it’s a sign of good living. Indeed !?

As for the ladies, it’s usually just a nice healthy ‘love’ glow which progresses to a pregnancy glow (hopefully) and then pregnancy weight gain and then boom! They explode. For some, it takes more than one episode of childbirth to do that but it eventually happens. Then the lady does everything she can to get her pre-baby, hot-bod back. Some try and give up quickly - too much work. Some never even bother do. A minority get it back quickly (lucky them)

And then, there are some people who have no issues with weight gain at all. They look nice and trim all the days of their lives. We are happy for them (notice the envious tone)

Correcting your Spouse

“Last summer, my husband and I were leaving that morning for the beach to a few days vacation when the car suddenly stopped and my husband, being the handy man, jump-started the vehicle and got it going. I thanked him and asked him respectfully with a smile, "We have time to go by the store and buy another one" but he said, “No, I think we will be fine.” (A few years ago, I would have insisted that we get another battery). Well, I decided to respect his decision as the head of the family and said politely “ok”, whatever you think! 

We stopped on the way to get more foodstuff and my husband parked the car. When he tried to crank up later, the battery was dead. A few years ago I am sure I would have berated him with an “I told you to replace that battery” lecture and a lot of attitude. But I have learned to respect my husband, so I didn’t say anything nasty, I was totally calm and at peace”…..

Culled from “tolovehonorandvacuum.com”

Have you ever hated the way your spouse corrects your mistake? Believe me, it is not always fair. As a couple, one of your roles is to correct your spouse’s bad behavior. How do you correct your wife’s mistakes like burnt or salty food, leaving the house untidy, etc? On the other hand, how do you correct your husband for over speeding, keeping late nights, drinking, forgetting your birthday or wedding anniversary, etc?

Fidelity - What does it mean to you?

Matthew 19:5 …, 'for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh '

Fidelity. What does that word really mean? Why is it so important in marriage? Why is it hardly used nowadays?

Just Google it and you’ll find it’s a word more widely used in financial circles than it is in relationships. Yet, the Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines it as:

- The quality of being faithful to your husband, wife, or sexual partner
- The quality of being faithful or loyal to a country, organization, etc.
- The degree to which something matches or copies something else

The first use has always been with regard to the marriage relationship. With the world becoming increasingly secular, it then included sexual partners. It is of Latin origin and it connotes such synonyms including faithfulness and trust.

What Time Is It?

First of all, I must say I have missed you all so very much. A big thank you to the few who wrote to ask where I had been. For those who didn't notice, I've been laying low on CR for the past few weeks and I must say it only made me cherish what I am able to do here -share my musings with you guys. Many conversations I had (or overheard) made me think "Oh, we've addressed that on CR" or "We should address that on CR." God has used this platform in such a special way, so please share with as many friends as you are led to .

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, there was one conversation that really got me thinking. I recently asked a certain woman who owns a small shop near my house, to tell me the time. I wanted to know exactly how long it had taken me to get home that day (without having to mentally approximate the the time spent in her shop and subtract that). There was nothing to suggest she would be unable to do so, since she was wearing a wristwatch and if that wasn't working perhaps her phone would be on, unlike mine. 

No matter what, I'd still prefer a couple sleeping on the same bed rather than separate beds

Picture from: Sleepworks.com

In the premarital counseling classes that I hold in my church, I do advocate and promote that couples sleep on the same bed rather than separate beds.

Now mind you, they are many reasons that married couples offer for keeping separate beds or even separate rooms. Some of them are listed below:

• The wife should be in a separate bed in a separate room to take care of the sucking child so that the head of the house is not disturbed; 
• The bed is too small for two of us;
• I like to have some space for myself where I can be by myself;
• I can't sleep in the same room because my husband snores;
• The Temperature of the room. One partner loves to sleep with the air-conditioner on while the other does not;
• Tossing and turning of one partner;
• The firmness of the bed;
• Different times for going to bed;
• And many more....

There is more to a relationship than you think

Someone told me that he knows his relationship will lead to marriage because he loves his partner but I told him that is not the only determinant of marriage. There are certain things to consider before going into a relationship and the first thing is to seek God’s direction. God says, “we should commit our ways into his hands and he will take absolute control”.

There are certain tips to consider before saying ‘yes’ to a relationship because relationships can go a long way, leading to marriage. A common saying that “a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage” but I tell you that a broken relationship sometimes lead to a broken marriage as a result of numerous heart breaks. You need to ask yourself the following questions before going into a relationship:

• Am I ready to accept this person as my spouse?
• Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him?
• Are we compatible?
• Is he/she a person who can keep to one woman/man?
• Do I want our children to take after my spouse?
• Is he/she someone I can introduce to my pastor, parents and even friends?

The Parable of the Talents - The Importance of Personal Effectiveness and Growth

The Parable of the Talents

There are many lessons that can be learnt from the Parable of the Talents as recorded in Matthew 25: 14- 30.

For those who have not taken time to study the Parable, I have reproduced the King James Version here.

Matthew 25:14-30 (KJV)

14 For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods.

15 And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.

16 Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents.

17 And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two.

Children - Gift from God or A Burden

One of my passions is playing with children and hear them say the funniest things.

Having them is one of the joyous things in life. Psalm 127:3 states that "Children are a gift from God; they are a reward from him." but having so many could make it a burden and not a gift. It's a gift when you have the number of children you can cater for; on the other hand having children becomes a burden when you have more than your resources can cater for. 

My question is "why bring these children into the world to suffer when you know you can barely afford three square meals or still struggling to make ends meet". 

Having too many children can bring about financial and emotional stress. You may have to purchase a larger car and spend more money on meals. It can be difficult for many parents to find the resources to pay for higher education for each child or even send them to ‘Harvard Business School (US)’ or ‘Corona (Nigeria)’. If you have children of different gender, you may wish to house them in separate rooms; this necessitates the purchase or rental of housing with more space. Parents of large families may find it hard to spend an adequate amount of time supervising each child everyday. 

What do you do when your Parents-in-law are trying to run your family.

Typically when a couple has not discussed and agreed upon the ground rules for in-laws before marriage, this couple may not be able to deal with parents-in-law who try to encroach and make unrealistic demands from the couple.

My wife and I, as Premarital counsellers, always advise intending couples to discuss the issue of managing in-laws before they get married. To avert a situation where in-laws take over your family, I urge you to note and implement the following:

1. Set Ground Rules. Each couple should set ground rules and abide by them irrespective of the pressure that might come from their parents. Each party, husband and wife, should them communicate these ground rules to his/her parents.

2. Every man should stand up for his wife. If after marriage, there is one Mother-in-law trying to tell you how she carried your husband for 9 months, nursed and tendered for him, hence she has a right to dictate what happens in your home, let your husband deal with this. I urge husbands to act as real men and defend their wives. Men, you need to understand that the moment you went to ask for your wife's hand in marriage, you promised to take care of her. She now becomes the number 1 lady in your life, not your mother. So it is your duty, no matter how painful it is, to tell you mother who the real queen is.

Don't Hide It; Be Bold and Courageous

“I might be able to speak the language of men and even of angels but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell” 1 Corin. 13 vs. 1. Love is very important in life; it is with love you can win the battles of life. The Bible also says “love is the greatest of all”

“A friend of mine was in love with a lady for three years but he didn’t know how to tell her; a year later the lady got engaged to my friend’s cousin who they met through my friend and this devastated him. He confronted the lady who told him that she waited for three years for him to express his love but he didn’t. Today, my friend is still very angry with himself for not making the first move as his cousin is happily married to the lady”.

It is true that many guys are afraid to declare their love to the ladies of their dreams. This feeling comes because of the fear of being rejected and others are afraid to know that the lady already has a boyfriend.

You don’t need Ramsey Noah/Emeka Ike’s (Nollywood Actors) boldness to deliver a romantic compliment. Though the content of the compliment itself is nice but how you say it, counts. Make the tone romantic by maintaining eye contact and smile as you talk – it will make you naturally add appealing inflection to your voice.

Why you deserve to be happy in your marriage

No matter what you may hear about the divorce rates in the world, even among Christians, you do deserve a good and happy marriage.

No matter the increasing cases of infidelity, increasing cases of unhappiness in marriage, there are people that still enjoy their marriages.

No matter the rift caused by the recent quarrels over seemingly major issues, marriage can be a beautiful relationship

Marriage was instituted by God to be a good thing. He chose the marriage relationship to represent/mirror Himself to mankind - to demonstrate His love, forgiveness and long suffering commitment to people.

Marriage is a wholesome relationship between a man and a woman intended to be a permanent bond in which many needs are satisfied – the need to love and be loved, the need for deep friendship, for sharing, for companionship, for sexual satisfaction, the need to escape loneliness.

In all this, I must confess that marriage still requires commitment, sacrifice and work. But it is your right to be happy.

Nobody can make you unhappy without your permission. Claim it, Work at it, Live it.

5 Potentials flashpoints when choosing a life partner

These are many potential flashpoints to consider when choosing a life partner. Here are 5 top flashpoints you must look out for.

1. When the two partners are from different christian denominations or even different faiths. Now when you have a man that grew up in a Catholic home wishing to marry a woman from an Anglican home, there might be an issue as to the church the family will eventually go to. It is always better for the couple to choose a common denomination. It solves a lot of issues and makes it easier on the children.  It is not always good to see the mum and children going to one church and the father going to another.  The couple should realise that the man has the veto power to determine the church, faith. So the woman should realise this upfront.

The Self Fulfilling Prophecy - The Pygmalion Effect in Marriages

                                                     Picture: MichaelHyatt.com

(I have changed a couple of things in this story)

The following conversation happened in a post marital counselling session I handled sometime ago. This was with a Christian couple that have been married for more than five years.

Wife: I do not trust my husband when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex.
Counsellor (Me): How come?  Has he done anything to make you distrust him? Have you caught him with another woman?
Wife: No. Not yet. I just do not trust him.
Counsellor (Me): So when did this distrust issue start?
Wife: I don't know.
Husband: Interjecting; I will tell you. All this started when I told her that I had a lot of girlfriends before I got married. From that time, she has been suspecting any kind of relationship I have with the opposite sex.

I am using this real life situation to discuss the effect of "The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy" in marriages.