What Love Is NOT...

We all face some form of heartbreak at some point- the back-stabbing best friend that makes up stories to make us look bad to other people, the cheating boyfriend or girlfriend that has wandering eyes but still keeps assuring us of love or sometimes, the friends that hang around when things are great and ‘poof’ into thin air when we have to dance to a sadder life tune….

I spent some time wondering if love was meant to be entwined with heart-wrenching stories of excruciating emotional pain, and it certainly did not help when recently, a friend asked me about my relationships that didn’t work out and I delved in a little about the cheating, the cowardice, the manipulation and bla bla… One question he asked threw me off-guard. He said to me “Has a man ever loved you?” He may not have realized it but the question had me stuck in my thoughts for days. I replayed every relationship in my head, bit my fingers at some of the things I accepted and at the end I came to an answer…NO. Why? Because I now know better. I know what love is and what it’s not.

Love is not a panicky feeling. Many people are in love, yet they are panicky. Panicky that they’ll lose their partner. Why? Because they have no validation in their hearts. They are doing 80% of the work involved in keeping the relationship alive while their partner gets along doing 10% or 8% at will… There are excuses as to why they can’t give anything more than 8%… “Sweetheart, I have to work! I barely have time to call you.” “You know I’ve been hurt in the past, I don’t want to put my heart into it 100% just yet.” Dear ladies and gentlemen, bear this in mind- You are not Romeo or Juliet. If a person is not ready to commit as much as you want to, I suggest you move on to someone who will. Don’t ‘kill’ yourself over something that’s not mutual. I’m sure President Obama has to deal with economic issues, attend meetings but he still has time to text his wife back.

How To Go About Loving...

When we are old and gray,

By your side will I still lay...

Over the years, I have come to accept that I am an hopeless romantic who might never get over the love of love. I am that person in the crowd that gets moved by the display of love between strangers. I see acts of love as acts of bravery because it takes a lot of courage to give oneself to another gambling with not getting any love back or not getting as much as one has given.

Before now, I never fancied myself one for love because love did seem like a bad thing then and for many years I tried to guard myself against being too seriously engrossed with another individual. I used to be that person that always had her pride and attitude on standby for when things weren’t going my way. This attitude saw me hopping from one relationship to the other. The ability to forgive wasn’t my strong point too. It just doesn’t make sense for me to stay in a relationship where my head has stopped ruling, being in control was very important to me

I have learnt some life lessons in becoming who I am and I’d love to share them with you:

Love is not perfect, I need not be told how deeply my husband loves me but he gets on my nerves atimes. There are times I just want to be left alone but even in those times I know we would be just fine. We argue but we love ourselves. Love doesn’t necessarily have to be about two perfect people who complete each other’s sentences.

Love always forgives, I have lost count on how many times I have had to do this or vice versa because being humans make us prone to mistakes and in order to move forward one has to be able to let go of whatever grudges one might have.

Just allow things flow, following textbook steps might make love look like a bit of hardwork,so, relax and just let it flow. If you don’t feel it then don’t force it. Everyone deserves to love and be loved back.

 Exchange of gifts actually makes for healthier relationships. Gifts in this sense don’t necessarily have to be extravagant. The thought behind it is what matters.

Love is not a game, it is not about who won what or who lost what, it is built on selflessness. Manipulation just causes strife.

It is alright to feel like one is not in tune with the other person atimes. One just has to find a way of reconnecting, love is made new everyday by conscious acts and effort.

Above all, to love another, one has to be able to love oneself. If one is coming from a place of hurt, one needs to heal before going into another relationship.

Love is indeed a beautiful thing.

 

Why is it so hard to stay faithful

I'm beginning to think fidelity is obsolete. There's a new trend in town- to completely ignore the exclusivity of relationships as well as the sanctity of marriage; to simply have fun with whoever, whenever and act like everything is about us.

I am not referring to men only; women are also very guilty of infidelity.  Many women date men they are not really into; I have heard the most ridiculous classifications these men fall into- minister of transport, minister of finance, minister of home affairs.... you get the point. And of course,  most men these days are not strangers to infidelity. Married men, men in courting, 'single' men, it doesn't matter what category they fall into, infidelity seems to be the trend in vogue. I sometimes imagine these men sitting around a table at a pub and discussing how many concubines they have and why they have them...

Why is it so hard to be faithful?

I wish someone could give me an answer to that one. Is it because many women now offer themselves shamelessly for a ten minute thrill? Is it because many men these days are trapped in a playstation mentality? When you get bored with the game, you can stop,  switch teams and start afresh? Or should I call it the 'men's world' mentality, where many men still believe some things are perfectly ok if men do them, no matter how appalling these things are?

Personally I think the root reason people cheat is greed! Greed by definition is an intense and selfish desire to have more of something. For some women that cheat, it's the greed for money that drives them. Sadly this greed for money is usually to acquire silly things like phones,  shoes, clothes etc. While many men cheat because they just want more sex, or should I say a different taste of sex.

My advice to people is to stay faithful or stay single! Stop insulting your partner's trust and intelligence by claiming you love him or her while you fuel your selfish desires by chasing someone else. it is sickening,  disgusting and even dangerous to you! So many lives have been destroyed as a result of one person's infidelity,  so many people are living on ARVs, wishing they could turn back the hands of time and undo some of their actions and many people are in dissatisfying 'relationships' with people they intended to 'just have a fling with'.

It doesn't cost you anything to be faithful.  If infidelity is an urge you just can't control, then pray about it. Believe me, it is not a trivial prayer for God to answer. When you approach a person or you're approached by someone,  your decision to date that person should be based on the fact that you believe everything you need is in that person. If he or she doesn't have what you need, don't approach for the fun of an ego boost, and don't accept simply because you don't want to hurt his feelings. Rather be straightforward than an infidel! I count cheating as an act of cowardice, expressed by people that are still trapped in an infant's mentality. Infants see a box of chocolates and want all the chocolates now! Adults know a box of chocolates can cause some uncomfortable bowel movements.  Which are you?  A greedy infant or an adult with self-control? 

"I hereby give you the license to abuse me"

Yes, this is another post aimed at young ladies that seem to voluntarily and willingly throw away their self-respect and give a man, any man the right to treat them as he pleases. Sometimes, we do these things unconsciously, we let go of what we call "silly arguments", we don't want to 'dwell on issues of the past', we believe every man deserves 'another chance' and 'another' in this case is limitless! We give men the license to abuse us.

I always tell my buddies; abuse is not just when a man hits you till you have a split lip or he beats you black and blue. Abuse can be emotional, it can even be spiritual! I am sure you are wondering, how do I give men the license to abuse me? The answer is simple!

By not putting enough value on yourself! Many of us are so scared of being single that we would simply tolerate anything any man throws our way. Some of us have even fooled ourselves into thinking the decision lto keep trying to make things work with an abusive partner is born from a place of maturity that other people can't understand. Afterall, they are not in the same shoes. And well, some of us have decided to stupidly wallow in the myth that it's because of the love we feel for this person. When you love someone, you just can't help it.

Oh heavenly father, help your daughters renew their minds I pray!

Have You Lost Your Cool Yet?

Have you lost your cool yet? that was the message my old friend sent me yesterday. I laughed it off but then I thought about it and reflected on the past months. I wasn’t your average kid loving individual. I was contented with just buying them gifts and staying unbothered by their tantrums and cries for attention but it is surprising how much could change with having mine.

My twenty seven weeks old daughter is becoming more aware of her environment. She is no longer that quiet baby that sits still in her bouncer or rocker. She is trying to stand and crawl so it is been hard taking my eyes off her. She cries whenever she trips and probably has one of her hands or legs trapped under her whenever I am not looking. She figures it out later though. Her resilience is enviable, I see how she gets up after each fall and begins trying again like the fall never happened. Watching her gets me emotional,  I can’t believe how much my baby has grown, but it is also some sort of physical strain for me as I feel like I always have to guide and protect her.

My nipples are sore and my eyes hurt from lack of adequate sleep. I can’t just hop up and pack my bag to go spend time at someplace like I used to. I consider so many things these days: The environment, space and every other thing that just didn’t use to matter. She is growing up so fast and so in a hurry too.

 Anytime I want to get mad, she looks at me with those perfect eyes, holding my finger in her very soft palms with smiles playing round the corner of her mouth. Seeing her happy makes it all so worth it but I can’t help myself feeling a tinge of frustration or running out of patience atimes.

I’ll do anything to make this jewel of mine happy. I wonder about when she might think I hate her because I put my foot down for her to learn some life lessons.

Have I lost my cool yet? Well, I do sometimes but It is never  serious.

If I feel this way about my daughter, have you ever wondered how God feels about us?

                                If you then being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more your father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask him. Matt 7:11

 He nurtures us from when we are in the womb till we become adults (sometimes).

                                     Before you were formed in the womb I knew you. Jer 1:5

Guarding and guiding us through life.  we are like babies in His hands, we would feel discomfort atimes but it doesn’t mean we are not on his mind, it is all just part of a growth process, learning to sit, walk, teething and so on are all parts of his ultimate design.

Unlike us, He is never fatigued; His arms are ever strong and ready to comfort us.

                            He will not allow your foot to slip; He who watches over you never sleeps or slumbers. Psalms 121:4

God always wants what is good for us. He is not a man that He would have selfish thoughts. His ears are always at our table. He doesn’t feel like creating us has gotten in the way of His ambition.

Motherhood teaches one a lot about sacrifice and I can’t wrap my head around sacrificing one’s only child for the world to be saved. That just does it for me.

How about you?

Are you at a very low place today? Do you wonder why you are going through what you are going through?

God is always there with you, like a child growing up, there are lessons we need to learn. Through all the discomforting stages, teething pains and all we ever go through, He would always be there to guide us through.

And yes he might lose His cool but He will never desert us just like He never did the Israelites in the bible. Nothing can separate us from God’s love.

                    And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death        nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39.

Rejoice in the knowledge of God’s unwavering Love for you.

Stay blessed.

Ladies, STOP SEARCHING For Your Soul Mate

I published this post on my blog a few weeks ago and it resulted in many emails from ladies that could relate with it. I hope it resonates with you, dear single lady reading this...

At some point in your life, you will feel the urge to settle down; all your friends will start getting married, uploading pictures of cute new-born babies on Facebook and Instagram and cute pictures of random romantic acts by their husbands. On your profile, your pictures are a far cry from that of someone with a happy union; they are mostly pictures of you alone making funny faces at the camera, taking selfies from different angles or well pictures of your dog, cats and perhaps a parrot.

The need to search for your soul mate will become overwhelming and before you know it, you are out there on the hunting ground looking for Mr. Right. He doesn’t have to be Mr. Perfect, that, you know and you even have a list of things you don’t like but won’t mind tolerating. You know what his height must be, his complexion, his career even, his etiquette skills etc…

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want but when you start searching for your soul mate with all your energy, you have a little problem on your hands. This problem is so little, yet it becomes significant as time goes on. It’s the fact that you start to perceive every man you meet as a potential life partner. Before you get to really know him, you already checked 5 qualities out of ten on your list- he has a nice height, a great job, speaks properly, is sophisticated just like you and is the perfect age. This again is not a bad thing; what follows however is the crux of the problem- you start to pull him towards you.

Who We Are (What Really Matters)

I have been trying to apply for a new job recently and I have learnt a few lessons in the course of doing that. There are times one preaches what one doesn’t practice. I found myself guilty of that. I tell people they can only get an image of themselves projected when they look at a mirror. Funny thing is much as I said that, the one person I was not saying it to was myself.

See, I had all these choices (I like to believe I do) but I was only applying for those jobs that were below my qualifications. I was trying to avoid being quizzed and scrutinized. I just wasn’t sure of myself. Writing about it now, I wonder where that feeling came from.

It's Friday; Sunday is coming

This morning at Church, as the pastor went over the events that occurred at Christ's crucifixion, a thought crossed my mind... "What did Christ's disciples think?" What went through their minds as Christ carried the cross, beaten, mocked and eventually nailed to the cross? Did they hope for a miracle? After all, Christ raised the dead, healed the sick and provided food for thousands with loaves of bread and fish that could barely feed a family. 

I'm sure at some point, they must have expected him to send fire on his tormentors with just a few words, they must have been watching, waiting, listening for his big moment when he'd eventually show those insolent rascals he's God! But that did not happen. Instead, he gave up the ghost and his last few words- "my father, my father, why have you forsaken me?" And "It is finished" must have caused his disciples to think all was lost! The man they followed for years could not save himself! I imagine they must have been absolutely disappointed. Little did they know.... It was friday, sunday was coming!

The School called Marriage

Marriage is the only school where you get the Certificate before you start.

It's also a school where you will never graduate. 

It's a school without a break or a free period. 

It's a school where no one is allowed to drop out. 

It's a school you will have to attend every day of your life. 

It's a school where there is no sick leave or holidays. 

It's a school founded by God: 

1. On the foundation of love. 
2. The walls are made out of trust. 
3. The door made out of acceptance. 
4. The windows made out of understanding 
5. The furniture made out of blessings 
6. The roof made out of faith. 

Be reminded that you are just a student not the principal. God is the only Principal. 

Even in times of storms, don't be unwise and run outside. 

Keep in mind that, this school is the safest place to be. 

Never go to sleep before completing your assignments for the day. 

Searching For Love Online: 6 Things You Need To Know

Do guys still harass ladies by tailing them in a car or walking closely behind them to get their numbers or contacts? I remember that was the deal sometime ago and few people probably still practise that. You all will agree it is a lot easier chatting another up on the social media these days. One can comfortably hide behind the keypads swelling with false confidence while typing things one would have lacked the courage to say if there were no barriers.

Technology generally has made sure our physical contacts with other human beings are becoming less and less, but the thing is, one barely notices this trend. I stay connected with my friends that I haven’t seen in years and I feel like when we see, it will feel like we saw ourselves the day before because of the closeness I feel through voice messages and picture updates.

Some researchers even arrived at a conclusion that one feels the emotions  that the emojis  used in some of the apps on these social media represent. Meaning I am probably happy when I use the dancing smiley and depressed when I use the sad face smiley.

I know someone that got married to a guy she met on bbm, he proposed to her the first day they saw themselves physically. While that might seem like a risk, I must confess they have had a great marriage so far. Not everyone is as lucky. I have heard countless tales of online relationship woes.

The line between physical and virtual has become blurred and many people are becoming more and more involved in online relationships.

Do you still wonder if the social media is the right place to meet the one you would want to spend forever with? Well, these are some things for you to consider;

• ·         What exactly are you looking for? Many people have been treated to shocks of their lives when they finally meet the person that has been making their adrenaline rise really high. The person sometimes doesn’t measure up in any way to the pictures. If you are big on physical looks, then, you might want to reconsider before getting in an online relationship because what you see is not always what you get.

• ·         Getting to know the other person outside of the social media is absolutely necessary. We all come from different backgrounds that we don’t feel the need to reveal in our online profiles. Behind a humorous profile might be a dark and depressed individual. If one doesn’t spend time with the other person, this dark side might be a terrible surprise at a much later time. Understand that no matter how much you think you know an individual on line, the person is largely a stranger. Be careful who you allow into your life.

It is advisable to court yourselves outside the media to get better acquainted.

• ·         Have reasonable expectations. Consider geographical barriers. It is almost ridiculous to think something could come out of a relationship with someone that one has slim chances of ever meeting. You can’t be in Nigeria while your online lover is in Australia or Finland. There will be a cultural shock and you might never be able to adapt.It is ridiculous to think there is a future in an online relationship of up to four years where the other party has been avoiding a physical meet up. I won’t act like some of these relationships don’t finally work out but a good number don’t.

• ·         Always take your time. You need not rush into something solid suddenly. You need to consider the other person’s values. Do they correspond with yours? Do you stand for the same things? In answering these questions, you need to look in the right places. There are different sites that tend to different relationship needs, find your category. Join a Christian dating site if you have to. I am not saying this erases the other things you should be looking out for but it limits the negatives you might be opening yourself to.

• ·         When you want to meet up, pick a neutral place in the outdoors. Visiting the other person’s house might not be a good decision. Take your time to build your trust in the other person.

• ·         Above all, don’t forget the role of prayer, ask God to know His thoughts on what you are involving yourself in. If you get a good feeling in your spirit, keep at it.

I know the older generation frown at online relationships but it has become a big part of our lives in the present times. Least we can do is arm ourselves with the right tools when getting into it.

Have a pleasant time dating.