3 Relationship Myths We Believe In

Generally, Relationships are being judged by all the words lovers confess for themselves on the social media walls and all the doctored pictures we see. We go all ‘awww’ whenever we read romance books with perfect endings silently hoping our lives are that way. We know these things are far from real life so by now, we all agree things are never as simple as they seem right? Well, just to further drive home that point, I decided to touch on some myths most of us believed in or probably still believe in.

Love is perfect: Sweetie, I hate to be the bearer of this news but I need to help you out of whatever dreamland you are stuck in. Love is nothing close to perfect. There will be arguments and there will be down times. There will be times when you just want to end it all and just leave but the good news is it will not be the end of the relationship. Most times, it makes it stronger. The disagreements can only bring you closer. Despite all its imperfections, love is still a beautiful thing. There are times you hear things like if he loves you, he would go to the end of the world and back for you  ( A cynic like me is like oh ! sweetie , I hope you know you aint trying out for a role in a Disney movie because things don’t play out that way).

You Become Who You Admire

There is something rather interesting about human nature; as much as we like to think we determine how we turn out, we are often failed by our proclivity to involuntarily become whoever or whatever we admire. Sadly, many of us are unaware of this fact, so we focus on what we now refer to as trends, following blindly what has been dictated to us by someone else, yet believing we are carving ourselves apart from others.

I met a young man recently who during our first discussion mentioned his desire to carry out a genocide against a different tribe in his home country. He talked about it so passionately, I almost ran for help. I happen to know people from his home country, who are from the tribe he intended to vent his anger, and all I could think about was what could possibly lead a young man in his late twenties, in this century, in this day and age to even entertain the thought of leading a genocide against innocent people who were not in his hair, or breathing down his neck. My confusion was resolved when during our second discussion, he mentioned how much he admired Hitler. We all know how controversial a character Hitler was and still is today. His name still sparks a lot of anger, hatred and sad emotions that words cannot express, yet... here was someone who had watched every documentary Hitler was ever featured in, and who unknowingly was beginning to fancy himself as a 21st century Hitler. It didn't happen by chance; his admiration of Hitler was bound to lead him to think in bizarre and irrational ways.

SEX Is Tricky: Discussing Sex With Kids

I don't believe in the conservative ways our parents handled things.The average adult never really got 'sex schooled'. We had to discover all we know on our own.Sex is a very uncomfortable subject generally. Having to discuss it with kids makes it even more tricky.You try very much not to say much but you don't want to be guilty of not saying enough too. My child is just a year plus and I can tell she is more conscious of her environment than she used to be. Now, I avoid watching some kind of movies around her,lest she thinks those things are the right things to do. I am very paranoid and I advocate for kids to be given good sex education to equip them with the right tool to save this perverse world.I stumbled on this page on the Momastery blog and I found the author's post both hilarious and informative. I have to agree that it got weird in the middle but she stuck on like a warrior.Imagine the look in my eyes when I read the sentence below.

And then my YOUNGEST said, “Well, if it’s the penis thing, then you don’t have to be married. You could just walk up to anybody and say: HEY: DO YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR PENIS IN MY VAGINA???” 

I would have literally frozen if I were in her shoes but she stayed strong like a soldier. I shared the excerpts from it below but you can read the full post here.

Much Ado About Weddings:Less Focus On What Really Matters

I love weddings. I wasn’t much of a fan before now so it is safe to say adulthood has finally caught up with me. I love love unashamedly. I delight in beautiful love stories of forever ever afters. I even consciously had to get my head off fairy tale expectations of long flowing gowns and tall dark and handsome brave men. I love how two seemingly different people could be in love enough to want to stay in each other’s life for a lifetime.

 

 I have to say however that weddings have become carnivals.There is so much emphasis on the physical appearance that noone cares about the emotional or spiritual health of the couple.There was a kind of unspoken order to how things were done in the earlier times. One wonders if the increase in divorce rate in recent times is as a result of lack of tolerance or just plain misprioritization. Counselling used to be a big deal in those days, elders hammered on the significance of great advice that couples need to get before they say their vows. There was a lot of importance placed on getting to know the families involved because all these serve as the foundation needed for a long lasting relationship. 

Imagine the shock you get when after a year, you are informed that the couple in a wedding you attended broke up. One wonders at what the noise about weddings are when people find it hard to make the marriage work. As high as the divorce rates are, it is surprising to see that the wedding industry is fast becoming one of the most vibrant industries . 

How To Get Over A Terrible Heartbreak

It is like a sharp pain. The one that never goes away even with painkillers and ointments. It is the feeling that weighs one down and makes one sink into sheets while munching on everything one can find and sipping on all kinds of fluid but still wouldn’t go away. It is a kind of fever but this time something bigger than insect struck, it is no bacterial or viral infection, it is something deeper. The phone on the side drawer is beeping but it doesn’t bear the name one wants to see. It is a new low, the kind one reaches when love no longer resides where it used to be. It feels like the end of the world but it is what some call a heartbreak.

 

Ok, that was slightly dramatic or maybe not, I know people that would argue it hurts even deeper. Truth be told, it is hard to wrap one’s head around how people that were once in love can’t stand to breathe the air around each other anymore. Some people exit one’s life and one becomes subjected to all kinds of whys and what ifs. Former lovers become sworn enemies airing all kinds of dirty linens to the public's delight.

There are different reasons people break up but some cases are really exceptional.I remember trying to understand why a couple i used to know broke up and i wondered what could have gone wrong. In most cases, there is always the party that felt cheated and finds it hard to move on. One wonders how anyone could ever dump a sweet person. We all have our faults as humans but almost everything can be worked on.If you are not good enough for her,remember you are the best another is yet to find. So, sweetie if you are in that kind of situation, never forget you are the driver behind the wheel of your life, don’t allow any situation weigh on your life and time. On your road to getting healed, bear the following in mind.

The fact that someone else can’t deal with your awesomeness doesn’t make you less awesome. You need to step out of your house and bask in the golden goodness of the beautiful sun. There is so much life has to give outside a failed relationship. These things happen all the time and you need not beat yourself up. While you are doing that soul searching, i hope you also find Your tears won’t remedy the situation. Get out of your pyjamas and go somewhere fun. You owe yourself that much.

Please don’t stalk your ex’s page. It is only going to bring back memories and all kinds of unanswered questions. If he/she has moved on, you need to do the same too. For your sanity, please stay away for a while till you have been able to get over it.

If you share common friends then you can’t avoid bumping into each other. So, till you heal, you need to avoid that common crowd and common hangout. You don’t want to stir up all that awkwardness and drama just yet. 

Do something exciting, get registered in a gym or dance class. Get your adrenaline pumped high while you socialize. If you isolate yourself, it is only going to make your already broken heart ache more.

Don’t rush into another relationship. Take your time to heal because chances are if you are that invested in your ex as to have been very heartbroken, then getting a new one almost immediately would be totally disastrous.

Get therapy.Dont bottle up your feelings. Go somewhere to vent, Your church counsellor, office psychologist or a very good friend. Let it off your chest sweetie.

I cant exhaust all the ways you can try to get over your depression.We all handle things in different ways. The principal thing however is for you not to allow the heartbreak destroy you. It is just a matter of time, you will be fine.

Cheers.

Photo Credit:Viewfromwitsend.com

Are You Sending The Wrong Signals?

Nothing hurts more than giving love to someone that can never give it back  in the same way. Our hearts are very tender and we tend to guide it as best as we can but there are times things spiral out of our control and we fall helplessly in love with another. We find ourselves at the person’s mercy and we hope and pray that the person feels the same way for us.One can snap out of this feeling easily if one doesn't get any green light from the person involved but there are times one can swear one got the green light but one still ends up heartbroken because it wasn't the green light afterall. 

Life is filled with twists which means things don’t always happen as we imagine they would. We think things in our head imagining a straight road but life reminds us there are speedbumps, potholes, bad weather and more. We are naturally selfish beings. We are conditioned to think of ourselves first before we do others but there are times when we need to step into other people’s shoes in order to make the right choices especially in situations involving the heart.

One cannot control whom one falls for but one needs to apply discretion so one doesn’t fall victim of exploiters. One also needs to keep one’s eyes open so as not to misread common acts of kindness as the confirmation that the other person is equally in love.

I used to have a friend back in the days who thought I had a thing for him because I took it upon myself to get him out of some terrible fix he was in back then. It was when he started acting funny that I had to make him realize I did all I did with no strings attached.

In hindsight, I think I might have been guilty of sending the wrong messages. He had my ears any time, comfortable and uncomfortable times. I offered kind words and sometimes money, I felt I was on a mission but I was deeply misinterpreted. I knew he liked me so I was supposed to be more cautious around him.

Another instance of how one can send the wrong message is when one intentionally does it for selfish reasons. Such person is an exploiter. An exploiter is a person that is aware of one’s feelings and decides to capitalize on the feelings to satisfy his/her emotional or material need. It is not a giving that whoever one falls for would fall back but it is very selfish when the person that fell in love is prodded on. It is totally wrong to call a guy you feel nothing for in the middle of the night because you are scared. That way you are sending the wrong signal. You need to turn down some class of gifts or dates. You know what he wants and you still followed him out on a date to a very expensive restaurant when you already know in your mind that he isn’t your type. Haba! Save the poor guy some cash.

I know a guy that makes whoever he is with believe she is his everything while in truth, he just didn't want the girl  to stop cleaning and cooking. The poor girl feels settled when she is just a glorified maid.

It is absolutely necessary for us to be able to see past ourselves and be able to imagine ourselves in other people’s shoes. Being one's brother's keeper should be evident in all we do .If you are not interested, be very clear about it. Don’t prey on people’s feelings and please be mindful so as not to send the wrong signals.
 Heartbreaks can be very hurtful , don’t be the reason why someone else hurts if it can be avoided.

Have a beautiful week.

Are You Dating a Mosquito?

I was driving to work when a random billboard caught my eye. It said 'mosquitoes don't only bite you, they also pee on you'. It was funny, I laughed when I saw it, and everyday after that, it was one of the highlights of being stuck in traffic on my way to work. I never gave it much thought. I really just thought it was the most random billboard ever. There was no product ad on it. It was just a quote, a random quote..... until I had an epiphany while sitting at the car wash this past weekend, bored out of my mind. 

When mosquitoes bite, not only do we feel the sting, we see the swollen red sores that result from those bites. Sometimes, they are itchy, sometimes they are swollen for days, and depending on the mosquito, you might find yourself battling malaria for days or weeks. Well, aren't many of us in relationships with mosquitoes?

It is sad that many of us, male and female alike do not understand how much we are worth, so we make ourselves available to people who not only bite us, and leave swollen red sores on our skin, but also people who pee on us. We tolerate relationships where we give 100% of ourselves and get nothing in return. It is not a bad thing to give with no expectation of receiving, but in relationships, the effort has to be equal to avoid sucking one person dry while the other feeds fat. Think about it, no one gains anything from being bitten by a mosquito. The only you get are those red swollen sores and a drowsy feeling that makes you feel like you've hit an all-time sugar low. Well, have you tried killing a mosquito that has been feeding all night? I bet you were surprised such a tiny insect was carrying so much blood in its tummy. 

Are You Ready For the Partner You Are Praying For?

I believe this is a question single ladies and men ought to ask themselves when they pray for their future partners. It is a practical question that must be answered truthfully if you are ready to settle into a peaceful relationship. These days, prayers for spouses take priority on most people's lists. People pray for hardworking, spirit-filled, well-to-do spouses, when they themselves are not prepared to meet such spouses halfway. I'll share a personal experience in this regard:

I once met a young man who was keen to court and eventually marry a lady who could think and make decisions without necessarily having to consult him. He wanted a lady who had the three Bs- beauty, brains and bravery, someone he could trust to be herself- strong and independent, and in pursuit of her personal dreams. It happened at the time that he met a lady who fulfilled all of these requirements. She was strong, she had the brains, she was down-to-earth, she could make decisions by analyzing situations critically, and she had her sights set on achieving her dreams. Of course he was overjoyed when he first met her. All e could do was talk about how multi-talented she was, and how lucky he was to have found her. As time went on however, his insecurities started to kick in. Instead of seeing her as a blessing he prayed for, he started to see her as a threat.

Getting beyond one's self and Trusting in God's Love

I wrote this a while ago. I thought to share again. I hope it blesses you.

 
One of our greatest falls as men is not being able to see past ourselves. Being logical beings, having faith is something we say more than we do. I mean many of us are guilty of thinking our way out of situations. 

To be honest most of the bible stories on faith are quite heroic, being faced with same situations I bet there ain't many Abrahams among us.

The week that just passed was one filled with lessons for me. I was faced with situations where after committing things to God, I still went ahead to make humanly possible plans. The thing I wanted came through and I questioned the strength of my faith in my mind. I felt ashamed the God I claim I love so much could not be given my entire trust.

For Your Online Sanity: Rules To Live By

Are there times you feel like you didn’t miss much from not seeing your friends even though you haven’t seen some of them in years because all the updates you need on their lives are just clicks away. Well, that’s not surprising because the majority of us live online now. You measure your popularity by how many likes your picture gets and it is so easy to create the perfect life by posting the pictures of the beautiful moments in your life. Premised on these, it is absolutely necessary to bear in mind the following things in order to stay guided.

Not all that glitters is gold: Don’t be too hard on yourself because of all the beautiful smiles you see in the thousands of pictures you stalk. Everyone has their own baggage. Some are just better concealed than others. Don’t be envious of the lives you suppose others are living. Not everything is at it seems. Take a deep breath and remind yourself we all are humans.

Stop being so open and dramatic: Online friends are not all well-wishers. Not everyone deserves a front row in your life.That front row seat is what you offer whenever you put all your business out there. So what if  you have a misunderstanding with your partner. Do you think the wise thing to do is dish out details on your page? Well, watch as people grab their popcorns and drinks enjoying the story of your life dotted with giggles laughter, sarcastic remarks and sometimes mean comments. If you are so heartbroken, speak to a close friend, therapist or simply kneel down and pray. There are just so many other ways of dealing with one’s personal issues than posting every little detail online.

Be Cautious: it might really look like it is only your 10 followers that are likely to see your posts but bear in mind your friend’s friend friend that knows another friend who knows another friend. You need to be mindful of the information you are sharing. A girl lost a job she just got even before she resumed because she tweeted about not being excited about the job. The owner of the business saw it and told her not to bother resuming. You can’t control how far what you post goes, so think things over before posting.

Be sensitive: your comments might be the reason why another committed suicide. That person you called ugly got so depressed and wouldn’t come out of herself again. Don’t be the reason why another person is thrown into eternal misery. Be sensitive please.

Live by these rules and you are sure to have a healthy live online. Just Bear in mind that your words shape other people’s lives. Stay in your lane, don’t go running wild because you feel shaded and protected behind your keypads . Being well mannered is key. There are lots of opportunities to be tapped from the million friendly strangers you might encounter. It’s all fun and games really, just don’t get carried away.

Stay blessed.

What Do Men Really Want?

It appears to me that men put up a confused front when it comes to women, claiming they don't know what women really want. Some men have it wrong and assume women only want money, while some believe women only want to date and marry fire-spitting, demon-chasing pastors. Well, I say it depends on the woman, however, I am not sure if the same can be said about men.

I have always been of the opinion that men, or perhaps I should say most men like to have a woman they can call their partner in every way and everything. A woman who stands by them when the chips are down, and celebrates their success when they find favour. Perhaps, the latter is a comfortable feeling for men, but I am fast beginning to learn that many men do not want a woman who is sympathetic to their hardship. Perhaps I might be wrong.

I was having a conversation at work with a couple of ladies, and somehow we got to the topic of standing by a man when he is going through hard times. I stood firmly for the notion that a woman should not abandon, or put financial strain on  a man she's dating especially if he is already going through a hard time. These ladies, who are older than I am, and I believe more experienced burst out laughing and pointed out that ladies like me hardly ever get married because we don't know how to make men feel like men. Oh?! According to them, it is important during courtship to make your man feel like a man (a topic for another day) by placing merciless demands on him for your everyday, weekly or monthly needs. You have to ensure you do not make any contributions where his job or business is concerned, and you must make sure you let him understand you are his subordinate. This kind of attitude apparently gives a man an ego boost because it gives him the impression that you are dependent on him. They pointed out to me that men do not want to be with women who stand by them, cover them financially when they don't have any bacon to bring home, or women who simply take care of their own needs without depending on the man (who they are not yet married to by the way). They do not want women with opinions or women who give them advice.

I'm yet to understand this train of thought. Really it confuses me. I have read many articles, books and other pieces of literature authored by men where they make it clear that they want a partner in every way, a woman who can make decisions in their absence, and stand firm in her aspirations and pursuits.  Now I'm torn; I take it these women were speaking from experience. Do men really feel better when their lady puts strain on them? or are women simply succumbing to the art of the entertaining men with low or broken self-images? I have pondered over this for some time and yet to find a conclusion. What is it exactly that men want?

Someone Lied , Growing Up Is Scary

One of the best thing about growing up has to be the ‘supposed’ freedom that comes with it. Are you not excited about not having to explain all the whys and whats to your parents? It must be exhilarating to finally feel like you own your life? Nobody is screaming down your neck to get your homework done or asking you to give reasons for not being the best student in your class. Emancipation feels like having a really cold bath after a hot day or maybe not. I was really excited about finally being the driver of my own life but recently I have come to realize and appreciate the push I got from my parents.

I remember how my mum refused to allow me get a guitar because she was scared I would drop out of school for music. I wonder at her paranoia now, how could she ever have conceived those thoughts. I might have liked my music really loud and known all the lyrics to many songs but I still knew what I wanted (or I thought I wanted). I say I would have preferred to make my own mistakes but in hindsight, I wonder if I would have been able to live with the consequences of some of my teenage impulsive foolishness. Bringing up a child means one needs to put one’s foot down sometimes. I had really wild ideas but my parents were there to tame me. My parents called me every single night in the University till I Changed the course I was studying because they were scared I was going to be at a disadvantage if I didn't study a professional course. Much as I didn't like their meddling, I have to give it up to them for giving me the right push. I sometimes thought they were trying to live their dreams through me but I have realized how wrong I was.

Nobody warned me about the early morning alarms and the never ending bills. come on , this feels like a conspiracy. All I was ever told was to grow up.

On a less dramatic note,being on my own has opened my eyes to how much their expectations of me inspired me to reach for extra. Every time I wanted to stop, I saw my mum’s stern face and heard my dad’s voice and I was able to move ahead. These days, things have really changed, I have become my own cheerleader, nobody is breathing down my neck to get anything done and sometimes, I wish someone was. I have realized at those times that I am my own driver, I need to get off my seat and get things done in order to move forward.

Growing up is so beautiful but some times can be stressful. You will live a less frustrating and more satisfying life when you realize how responsible you are for the decisions you take in your own life. Your parents/guardian were there to guide you but after you attain a certain age, you need to take responsibility for yourself. Nobody owes you anything and nobody is going to give you a manual to live by. The earlier you understand that, the better.

Set your own goals and work towards achieving it. The burden is all on you now, how far can you go without that parental/guardian meddling? Be sure to make the right decisions and don’t beat yourself up if you make mistakes. It is your life, make yourself proud by how well you manage it.

Perhaps,it is not so scary.

How High should A Woman Aim?

We've probably all heard it before- the line about women not being too accomplished or too opinionated or too strong or too much of anything that may scare a man away. In spite of the civilization we've enjoyed and the many female-oriented outreach programs designed to empower women, and the 'power couple' ideology that makes men believe it is OK to have a strong woman, there are still many doubts that lurk in the corners of many hearts. There is the big issue of submission (a topic I intend to deal with in another post), and there is the need to make a man feel like a man. The latter confuses me, because I'd think after spending more than twenty years standing when he visits the loo, he should know he's a man without any help from me. Perhaps I'm wrong.

I recently had a heart to heart discussion with a friend about a man I met a few years ago who had his own company. Being the business enthusiast that I am, I was willing to give him ideas, strategise and give him business improvement techniques. I had barely finished my story when she stopped me and said "but why do you aim so high? your ideas probably emasculated him." Oh? Now that's interesting. I had possibly and unintentionally emasculated a man, simply by sharing my thoughts and ideas with him. It made me wonder 'how high should women aim? How far should we go? How much should we discuss?

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover, You Might Miss Out On A Good Thing

I talk a lot about having a nice long sleep but that is a feat these days as I hardly ever get one. My sleep pattern has become really messed up. I try very hard to sleep and when it does come, I pray nothing interrupts it but that’s never guaranteed. The persistent bang on the gate was one of those deal breakers in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday. Found out it was our neighbor. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that and I had to knock off the thoughts of taking a sleep tab which I am scared I can get addicted to. I was forced to turn on the TV and after flipping channels, I settled for the rerun of X Factor auditions.

Like every talent show, there were the really good ones and the so-you-think-you-are-talented ones. There was a trend too, I could tell the well-dressed serious ones weren’t going to fall in the class of horrible auditions. They came in with eyes filled with dreams and a passion that showed the audition meant everything to them. They knew the power of what they had and they wanted to show the world.

For some others, I can’t say the same thing. I looked at them and ask myself why it is so hard to tell oneself the truth.  They come dressed like they are clowns in a circus and one needs no warning to know the right thing to do is to block one’s ears. I was pleasantly surprised when one of such people took the stage and blew the judges minds and mine too. He was wearing a Tee that had Pugs inscribed on it and presented one of the judges with a horrible looking miniscule of the judge. He was grinning sheepishly while he ranted about how much he loved Pugs and wanted one. Nothing gave him away as someone that understood the essence of the show. "One of the jesters", I thought loudly. The average person in the hall probably already wrote him off too. He had a funny accent and talked like he was voicing one of those funny characters in kiddies’ cartoons. Imagine the shock when he started singing, I had visible Goosebumps from the silkiness and perfection of his voice. The rendition sounded so heavenly that one might have thought it was coming from someone else.

How wrong the judges were, how wrong I was. I was thinking about how much we don’t give some people chances to show their worth because we are so vested on the surface and just can’t see past that. 

Imagine if Jesus was so quick to judge Mary Magdalene, we might probably have missed out on the beauty of the resurrection story. I remember in my early years when we keep away from particular kids in class because they weren't cool enough and then find out later in life they are the ones that have achieved the most for themselves.We need to mirror Jesus, if he were like most of us, we wont even be saved. He would be like, this one cant be any good .Wherever it is you find yourself, give people equal chances, we are not our looks, we are the person within.

Shine on.

PhotoCredit:sodahead.com