Five Reasons Why You Are Stuck On Your Abuser

I seek to understand many things. I seek to understand especially how one can be in love with someone that consistently beats and abuses one and vice versa.  How does one forgive such person? How does love work in such instance? I know wounds heal but scars are ugly reminders of times we wished we never had to go through. I once asked a friend of mine how she coped with her abusive boyfriend and she said ‘Fisayo, you should get to know him, you’ll realize he is not such a bad person, he just has a bad temper’.

 

I wanted to scream at her then and probably borrow her my eyes to take a look at her life through but somethings were not so logical. Hers was not the only one, there are so many other cases. While in the university, there was a time we had to break the doors of one of our neighbors to rescue her from her abusive lover.

There was this other time when I was much younger when I witnessed one of our neighbors descend on his wife like a lion does its prey and rip her off every piece of clothing. What was sadder was their young kids cowered in a little corner, visibly shaken from the ordeal. It took the intervention of other neighbors to rescue her and the kids. Sad thing is she stayed with him after that till she almost died during one of those brutal beatings that she decided enough was enough and escaped with her kids in the dead of the night.

Having seen different cases of abuse, I have noticed common traits in the characters of those abused and they are as shared below:

You believe it is your fault you are being abused: You don’t see that your partner is just being extremely jealous or unreasonable. You blame yourself instead for being too friendly to a member of the opposite sex or for the traffic that held you back from getting home on time. You think perhaps you should have followed a quicker route or you could have been more patient in explaining to him when he asked you. You probably blame yourself for not treading softly around him/her. Perhaps you shouldn’t have raised your voice, you wonder.

You think she/he will change:  My former neighbor’s boyfriend could be the most remorseful human one has ever seen. He could apologize anywhere and he really did looked pitiful. But the recurrence of the beatings and verbal abuse was supposed to have made her know somethings are deeper than they seem. He swore by all things after every terrible ordeal and promised that he will change and for reasons only she understood, she gave him several chances but time told a different story. He never changed and the scars just kept getting worse both physically and emotionally. Abusers are psychologically impaired. If he/she doesn’t go through the right form of rehabilitation. She/he would probably never change. You need to run for your life.

You believe you don’t have a choice: Most abusers succeed in making their victims feel worthless and insecure. Honey, you do have a choice. She is not the only woman in the world and He isn’t the only man in the world. Love is not abusive and dead bodies don't speak. There is so much at stake that you cannot allow this horrible occurrence be all your life would be about. There are people looking up to you, you just need to rise above it and be strong to do what is right. God didn’t intend for you to live a life of pain. Love is  so much more blissful. 

You think your abuser loves you: My neighbor’s husband was so good with showering her with gifts after every beating that he got his wife really confused about how he felt about her. Come on darling, don’t be so naïve. This controlling abusive nature of your partner is nothing like love. Love is soft, gentle, patient, and not quick to anger. Someone that deeply loves you wouldn’t want to see you hurt.

You are scared of being alone: See the woman in the image shared. She is a typical example of how victims think. Some victims are just satisfied with being with someone at all. Your sense of self worth is at an all time low that they cannot see how badly they are being treated. 

If you exhibit any of the mentioned traits , then you need help.

It is necessary for us as human beings to be in control of our emotions and be emotionally smart enough not to be stuck in abusive relationships. Staying in that kind of relationship only leads to despair and in extreme cases, death.

It is advisable for you not to live in denial of how bad your situation is.

If you love your partner and you are truly convinced he/she can be helped especially if such partner shows readiness to deal with such situation. Then, you can lovingly introduce them to counselors and also pray for them to be healed. Otherwise, RUN.

You also need to see a counselor and pray. Chances are you are not emotionally balanced too.