Choosing the right partner is probably the
best decision you'll make during the course of your lifetime. Your choice of a
partner will definitely affect how your life eventually plays out, and is
therefore the most important choice you will ever make if you intend to get
married and start a family.
More often than not, when I speak to
married couples (whether they are happy or not), I am often told the best
thing to do is to marry your best friend. Some couples emphasize the need for a
church-going partner while some have come out to say they simply got married
because their spouses chased them for so long, they decided to give in. These
stories obviously do not reek of the fairytale stories many of us like to hear
when we talk about weddings, and the resigned attitudes of married couples have
made me question if they made the right choices from the beginning. Based on my
many discussions with these couples, I have compiled a list of right moves and
factors one should make/consider, and also some key things you need to know
when choosing a partner.
1. You
do not have to marry your best friend: The idea of the best friend as a
suitable spouse has been so romanticized, I see it on almost every engagement
or wedding photo. "I married my best friend" is the new quote many
people post in order to reassure their friends that they made the right choice.
What I have come to learn from expienced couples is that marrying your best
friend in its own way can jeopardize your marriage. Surprised? Marriage is not
only built on friendship, it is built on passion, and a whole lot more. The
idea that friendship is the only foundation required leads to marriages with
lackadaisical attitudes that only seek to maintain the status quo, and not
spice things up when necessary. Think about it...when was the last time you ever
thought of spicing up your friendship? Hardly ever, right? Making the
friendship the only foundation on which your marriage is built will lead to the
same complacent behaviour. Watch out! What you should do is marry your friend!
With time, as you both grow older, your spouse will become your best friend.
2. Passion
is key: Couples who enjoy sex together will stay together. Sex is a basic
human need, and married couples ought to enjoy it, and not simply go through
the motions. If a marriage is lacking in passion, it is nothing more than plain
old friendship! Before you choose a partner, consider the passion or should I
say sexual tension between the two of you. If there isn't any, you should not
be getting married. My pastor once said "you should not fornicate before
your wedding, but your hormones should respond passionately during your
courtship. You should want your partner sexually else, don't bother getting
married."
3. Consider
compatibility not availability: Many young people these days consider
availability much more than compatibility. Most young men, when they reach a
certain age are so keen to get married, any young lady will do. They often say
"as long as she is a Christian and behaves well, then it's OK". This
right here is the reason many christian couples are unhappy. They just don't
get each other; in other words, they don't click. They can't pull each other's
legs or make loving fun of each other. The relationship is robotic, and lacks
any feeling of fulfilment. Such marriages are often doomed to fail, and end up
with two people wondering what they did wrong. That a woman is single and
available does not mean she is meant for you. That a man is proposing marriage
does not mean he will be the right person for you. There has to be a certain
x-factor that just exists between the both of you in a way no external person
can explain.
4. Communication
is key: Do you talk over each other? Do you undermine the opinion of the
other person? Do you struggle to get your voice heard because your partner goes
on and on and acts like your lips aren't moving? Perhaps, you should reconsider
before walking down the aisle. Communication is key between two individuals who
want to spend eternity together, and it does not have to be only regarding the
serious stuff. Choose the partner you can talk to about nothing in particular,
the one you can gist with and gossip with (yes, happy married couples gossip
together!). Choose the partner who listens to you and who speaks to you too.
Choose the person who communicates respectfully even in the midst of an
argument! Derogatory insults sure should not fly between you two! Choose the
partner you can communicate your anger to as well! Don't choose someone you are
scared you'll offend by expressing yourself. Marriages where one has to put a
mask in a bid to keep the other happy often lead to broken families and an
unnecessary stack of emotions.
5. Choose
the partner you always yearn for: As marriages get older, some emotions may
begin to wane. Life will get in the way, and sex might not be as frequent. It
is best to choose a partner you always long to be with, even when you are not
having sex. Choose a partner who makes you laugh, and a partner who can make
you smile even when he or she is not there. Choose the partner that makes your
heart melt and the one you know you are willing to cross boundaries for. Love
that keeps you going against all odds might sound like something from a romantic
novel, but that is actually the love for you. Yes, some of the feelings will
wear off, but not completely. Choosing someone simply because you're ready and
that they're ready will not help you when the initial emotions (if there were
any present) begin to wear off completely. People underestimate love these
days, and they accept convenience instead. We have even come to a time where we
embrace the ideology that we do not end up with the people we love. Well, a 79
year old man told me when I was having these discussions about marriage: Life
always offers two choices- the original and the adulterated. The adulterated
will very often come at what seems to be a lesser price, and will end up being
more expensive in the end. To feel young at heart everyday, people should learn
to choose the original. Choose the love that makes you genuinely happy. Choose
to be happy and don't apologise for it!
Any more tips? Do share XOXO
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