Single Ladies: How To Spot The 'Married Single Man'

Women cheat almost as much as men do but more men do fine jobs of deceiving whoever they are having an affair with into thinking they are not married or in a committed relationship. Imagine the shock and heartbreak when you get that hate mail or call from a spouse labeling you as a husband snatcher. Must really hurt especially when you have been in the dark as to that particular fact.

Personally, I never get why some women with philandering husbands go after the women in their husband’s lives instead of dealing with the main problem who is the person they made the vows with. I am not saying all side chicks are saints, I am just saying some of them are victims too. I remember stumbling on a Facebook page with a familiar face only to find out the boyfriend of someone I know is married with kids.

It took me a lot to break the news to her because I knew just how much she was into him.

This post is for those that would want to arm themselves with the right tools before getting in a relationship with the wrong person.

There are always telling signs and if you look hard enough, you wouldn’t fall in the trap of the ‘single married man’.

How Christian Wives Get Proverbs 31 Wrong! (1)

The beauty of the virtuous wife - The Proverbs 31 woman all Christian wives strive to become – the hardworking wife and mother who seems to do everything for the sake of her husband and her children, with little or no attention to herself. The virtuous submissive woman who in all her glory resides at the feet of her husband, and does only his bidding…Well, at least that’s what you’ve been groomed to understand.

It is very ironic that many living Proverbs 31 women are being abused, undermined, unappreciated and eventually abandoned by the men they dedicated themselves to serving. It definitely makes one wonder about human nature versus scriptural truths, right? I mean many subservient, hardworking and super-respectful wives are taken for granted, while those who speak up, act as they please, and let themselves be heard (the ‘un-virtuous’ women) seem to get the good husbands. Isn’t life unfair? If you belong to the former group, you probably think it is!

I have come to understand that most of the time in marriages, there are no victims, there are only volunteers. And many Christian wives happen to volunteer themselves for abuse, lack of appreciation, and a general lack of respect in their marriages, all because they are aiming to fulfill the virtues of the Proverbs 31 woman. Before I address this Proverbs 31 woman issue, let me in a few sentences describe what many Christian wives believe are attributes of the virtuous woman.

How Christian Wives Get Proverbs 31 Wrong! (2)

To read the first part of this post, please click here

I find it hilariously odd that women are quick to enforce the “wives submit to your husbands” bible verse without preaching the other half that says “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.” The debate of who should do what first is really just another issue of what came first- the chicken or the egg? But that’s not what I want to focus on. Husbands need to love their wives; wives need to submit to their husbands. The sad reality is many ‘virtuous’ Christian women are submitting to men who do not love them; hence they end up battered, used, abused and emotionally abandoned. Many Christian women are submitting to men who do not understand God’s design for marriage!

Many Christian women have lost their identity in Christ because they have replaced Christ with a man- a man they cannot approach, a man they cannot challenge when he wrongs them, a man they cannot be themselves around, a man who uses them for brief moments of pleasure and drains them of whatever it is they have in them. Yes, this is the reality many Christian women would not share with you, and even if they did, they’ll explain the devil is at work in their marriage and they are putting him to shame by losing bits and pieces of themselves everyday. Hilariously odd and excruciating indeed!

To be a virtuous woman does not mean you should accept mistreatment and abuse in any form! As a matter of fact, a virtuous woman knows her worth, and she appreciates herself, just as much as she appreciates her family. She speaks up when she has something to say, and she is heard by her husband. In fact, if you read Proverbs 31 properly, you’ll see that the woman you aspire to is not her husband’s wet dog! She makes investments and goes to work! She’s up early to make sure everyone is catered for, then she goes out to earn a living! She makes decisions, and prepares ahead! Her husband is respected, not because of who he is, but because of WHO SHE IS! He praises her awesome strength and beauty, and encourages her with kind words! So where did the virtuous women of today get their ideas of subservience in the face of mistreatment from?

Ashley Madison:Who Are You When No one Is Watching?

Not many things has shaken the internet quite like the Ashley Madison scandal. There have been so many sensational headlines that have sprung from the hacking of the cheaters website. Some people are glad to see cheaters getting outed while the press has been having the time of their life dropping one jaw breaking headline after another. Since the release of the names of the members occurred, we have gone from mouth opening discoveries to downright upsetting ones. Millions of people have been forced to question all they built their trust upon and many relationships might not make it past this period. It looks like the already high number of divorce might even become higher. Two suicides have already been associated with the leak and one can only wonder how many more casualties would be claimed by this scandal.

In the wake of this, we have come to realize that our dirtiest secrets can be out in the blink of an eye. The question to ponder on is what will your browser history, chats, or whatever it is you do when you think no one is watching, say about you? Who are you when no one is watching?

Five Things You Shouldn't Do On a First Date

Image credit: www.datemypet.com

First dates can make anyone a nervous wreck! And it sure does not help if the person you’re meeting is a blind date. You won’t know what to expect, or even what to wear. What will you speak about? What if you end up having nothing to speak about? There are a lot of what-ifs on a first date, even when you know who you are meeting. I have suffered through first dates where the only good thing was the food, and I once walked out on a date when the conversation began to head south, because I couldn’t deal! Yeah you can send me an email later to tell me how I was so wrong, but in the meanwhile, here are my top five DON’Ts on a first date

·       Don’t show up dressed like you’re going to a shop across the street: I find it absolutely RUDE for anyone to show up on a date like they’ve just been dragged out of bed, or out of a deep dark hole in a mine. It’s a first date, and you’ll never get a second chance to make a good first impression, so put some effort into your appearance. Don’t arrive in your fluffy indoor slippers as I once saw a girl do at the cinemas (I am not kidding), and guys don’t arrive in your faded t-shirt and jeans that barely fit your waist. Yes, except you are meeting a sixteen year old, don’t arrive with pants sagging, chains dangling and t-shirts with senseless inscriptions. Even sixteen year-olds these days don’t find that attractive, so don’t do it with a twenty-something. Which leads to my next point

·      Don’t over-do your outfit: some women are well-known for putting all their goodies on display on the first date, without understanding that this sends the wrong “I’m a one night stand type of girl” message across. This is not to say you should wear an ankle-length turtle neck dress, as I almost did once when I was set up on a blind date with a conservative lawyer. You should be halfway between comfortable and stylish. Guys, there’s no need to wear Gucci shoes, a Gucci belt and a Gucci hat all in one outfit. Yes, we know you can afford all the designers on the market, but smart casual will most likely put your date at ease with you without her being distracted by all the patterns on your designer items. Keep it simple, except the location of the date dictates otherwise.

·     Don’t be mute: I have suffered through enough first dates to know sitting at the other end of the table, trying to act like a person who doesn’t have a tongue just makes the date an excruciating experience for the other person, so don’t do that. Yes, you want to make a great first impression, but keeping mute the entire date, and simply nodding in agreement, or shaking your head in disagreement will not aid your mission, so please speak! Ask questions, make contributions, make funny statements, share some of your experiences on a subject matter, share your interests, your hobbies, speak! Don’t just sit there silently. This is one of the reasons I don’t think seeing a movie at the cinemas is a good idea for a first date! People hardly get to know each other, and if they have dinner afterwards, they may end up speaking about the movie and reliving their favorite moments instead of learning about each other.

For Supermoms: Five Easy Guides To Breastfeeding In Public

Having a child changes one’s perception about many things. I used to say I would opt for a caesarean section as opposed to natural birth because I didn’t want to feel the pain. I also use to say I wouldn’t do exclusive breastfeeding for whatever unimportant reason, but all that was before I got pregnant.

My doctor’s visitations and the several scans I had changed my perception. I developed a great bond with the creature that was growing inside me and all of a sudden, I forgot all I used to think and say. I became focused on being and providing the best for my baby. Breastfeeding was something I embraced after listening to all the goodness that came with, plus it was very much in line with my vow to do the very best of all that was within my power for my child.

It was a month after giving birth to my child when we had our first major outing. We visited a public library for enquiries and also to enjoy a good mother daughter time (that turned out to be a wrong call). I was only just getting familiar with many things like responding to her cries which served as the prompt for many things but most times, was for feeding.  I was told by some older women to try and train her by feeding her at certain hours so she could get easily acquainted to those hours but the medium pitched cry for food in a public library showed I had no success at that gimmick.

It had started raining a few minutes to when she started crying and the crowd seemed to be building up in the library, which served as a shade from the rain too. School children were on a break thereby making the crowd even larger.

Her cries was becoming really embarrassing and I knew I had to find a place to feed her. For the first time, I was confronted with one of the problems nursing mothers face which was how does one breastfeed a child in public?

Six Things You Totally Deserve In A Relationship

Wake up calls, late night calls/texts, midday calls for no reason, lovely dates, flowers, thoughtful gifts, listening ears, shoulders to lean on etc. however way love is expressed, we all deserve to have truly happy relationships. We have become so invested in living our lives for other people that we have forgotten what really matters. Many people are satisfied with having a relationship at all that they endure the most inhuman treatment meted out to them. This ought not to be. We all deserve to have that one person who is in our corner, who loves on us despite our flaws. We all deserve that deeply rooted fun and beautiful kind of love. One who loves you deeply enough to resolve your arguments because what you share is worth fighting for.

Happiness might be relative but some things are basic and I’ll be sharing them below:

You deserve to have a GOOD TIME: Some of us find ourselves in situations where we feel we have a lot to prove. The thing is being with your significant other doesn’t have to feel like you are on a serious job interview or taking school exams. You should loosen your belt and unknot your tie while you settle in to enjoy great good laughs. There is too much uptightness around, your relationship should feel like home. It should feel like the much needed comfort.

You deserve COMMITMENT: It is not a relationship when there is no exclusivity. You need to know that there is that person who is always going to be in your corner when every other person isn’t. One who believes in you and believes in what you share. You deserve someone that is dedicated to what you share and who understands disagreements doesn’t necessarily mean the end.

You deserve SECURITY: You shouldn’t be worried about whether he/she loves you or not because you deserve a relationship where you truly know if you are a thing or not. You needn’t have to guess. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around your partner wondering if or not she/he is going to leave you.

You deserve RECIPROCITY: You deserve to get as much as you give. You deserve to be loved back as much as you have loved. Your relationship shouldn’t feel like a huge burden that you have been sentenced to bear.

You deserve HONESTY: You deserve to have an honest relationship. One where you trust your partner and vice versa. One where you both are confident about the other’s ability to stay true to one or two values and there is no questioning or doubts on the other’s mind about activities you are engaging in or places you are going to.

You deserve to be RESPECTed: You deserve a relationship where you respect each other deeply. One where you will not be abused verbally, physically or however means.

By all means love but love rightly. You need NOT stay in a relationship where you are getting negative vibes just because you want to feel validated. However, after all is said and done, relationships grow and you shouldn’t cut our partners off because each and every one of the mentioned points are not existent yet in your relationships. In as much as you expect these qualities from your partners, you should also look in the mirror and quite frankly tell yourself the truth about if you also possess these qualities we are looking for. If you don’t, then work on yourself.

We all deserve happy and satisfying relationships.

Cheers.

Be Careful, You Never Know Who Is Watching

 Ben Stiller's meet the fockers is hilarious for many reasons , I can't remember many things from the movie but I remember the the scene where the baby's first word is a swear word. I found it really funny as a young adult, but as a parent, not so much.

My dad told me a story of a child that killed his younger brother with their father’s gun mimicking a scene from a movie they saw together. That act tore their family apart and later led to the divorce of the parents. This shows that the consequence of our negligence as adults to be more vigilant in controlling the things our children watch or listen to, can be far greater than we have ever imagined.  We forget that the world has evolved a lot since we were kids.

Kids are so much more exposed to tons of good and bad stuffs these days and this has a lot to do with the advancement in technology. They get introduced to different cultures and materials just by turning on the TV or surfing the internet. This is as much a blessing as it is a curse.  Many things that now seem to be part of our everyday life didn't used to be.

 Before the advent of multiple television stations, satellite television services and affordable internet, there were the government owned TV stations. The ones we had to painfully and patiently wait for to start their daily program by 4pm.  It used to be such a relief to see the rainbow themed wallpaper and hear the National Anthem get played, because it signaled the beginning of the day’s broadcast. Most of the programs were educative and pretty much decent. Parents didn’t really have to bother about switching channels or putting codes on certain ones. The television stations operated based on some type of moral standard that worked for everyone involved. We can’t say the same about the TV programs we have these days. There is so much sexual and violent content being shown.

A video of an eighteen month old child twerking was circulated on the internet recently. The video was recorded by the child’s mum and adults could be heard cheering in the background. While this might not be a surprise seeing as many lines have been crossed in recent times, it is still worrisome to see just how much kids are influenced by what they see and hear. The other day a four year old was trying to explain to me the difference between love and like. She said ‘ I like boys and I love girls’. I could deduce she already thinks one can only use the word love in relation to a boy that one has a sexual relationship with. I stumbled on a 2 year old child, while waiting in a hotel reception, watching porn on his uncle’s iPad.

We seem to have forgotten that our role as adults and parents require for us to be more vigilant than back in the days. We owe these kids a preservation of their innocence.

To achieve this, we need to take conscious steps:-

·         Put parental codes on your cable TVs.

·         Put bars on other gadgets such as iPads,laptops and so on. This is to ensure that they don’t stumble on harmful materials and people.

·         IF you need to watch a program that promotes sex,violence or strong language, you can postpone it till some other time when the child is tucked away or get another television  in another room,  programmed strictly for children’s programs ,for the kids.

·         Make yourself accessible so that your children can be free to ask you any type of question. This will give you an insight into whether they have been around the right or wrong influence.

Remember, God is the best minder but that doesn’t mean we should slack on our responsibilities. Be careful what you watch, do or listen to around the younger ones.

God bless.

Cheers.

Six Relationship Lies You Probably Believe

We all receive truckloads of advice solicited or unsolicited. The other day I was at the airport with my toddler whom I noticed gets excited whenever she climbs up and down a flight of stairs.So we were just enjoying her new found hobby on the stairs when a passerby commented strongly about how I might be stressing her by allowing her climb down by herself. Another passerby commented on something else I can’t remember now, but I couldn’t but wonder if it’s a culture that will become buried some time in future. People shouldn’t just chip in advice based on their own situations or some myth, there are a thousand and one scenarios that might make their advice totally unrelatable and unreliable.

I got tons of those kind of advice on relationships too and I’ll be sharing that with you below:

The devil you know is better than an angel you don’t know: whoever came up with this myth? People stay in very terrible relationships premised on this. Nobody should have to endure a relationship that ought to be enjoyed. If he /she is the devil, out with that relationship. Why make the relationship the end of you just because you are scared of adventures. There are still many good people out there, don’t be held back by a lie.

Don’t be picky, just go with a nice person: If nice was all the criteria needed in relationships, there might be less divorce cases. Nice is not enough. 

When shit hits the fan, you’l find you are alone in the room. It is your life and your relationship and it should be by YOUR standards. While it is good to keep your expectations decent, there is nothing wrong with having certain standards.  If you like your men to be smart, spiritual, dark and of average height with certain academic qualifications, by all means follow through. Just stay guided to know when you are crossing the line.

Allowing the man chase for a while determines the lifespan of a relationship: I carried out a little survey and many men in my study think people get the wrong notion about the chase. It is not all a man lives for ,contrary to what we have been made to believe.

By all means place value on yourself and don’t hop into the arms of any available man. But if you find that a really decent man is interested in you, there is no point making him go on that long  chase because you are trying to prove a point. The chase doesn’t determine if he will stay or not, it is the presence of the right values on both sides. Meaning a man would stay if he feels satisfied with a woman’s values and not because it took her a while to say yes.

All men cheat: this is the society's way of telling you to have absolutely no standards. Warning:don't fall for it. There are still good men that are deeply committed to their vows.Not all men cheat.

Another way to look at this is that statements such as this makes some men feel like they can get away with anything.

Get pregnant before the wedding: This is the fad these days. People say it is to confirm the bride’s fertility since procreation is the major essence of marriage. Whoever made us God? Asides from moral and religious reasons, this is so wrong on so many other levels. Where is the place of love, trust, faith, sacrifice and all other virtues in this mix. Don’t be fooled. People are always going to throw different advice your way, it is left to you to work out what works and what belongs in the trash bag.

People change after marriage: If he/she has an attitude/habit you cannot live with, then don’t even think getting married would resolve your differences. Short of a miracle, that man/woman wouldn’t change. Get your head out of the clouds and get with the plan. Habits die hard and if he/she has one you can’t tolerate, a ring wouldn’t change that.

These are the few I can remember now, I am sure you have heard so much more. Kindly share.

Cheers.

How 21st Century Women are Getting Relationships Wrong!

It is the most difficult century yet to find a husband; many women have already resigned to fate, looking forward to their single years, with no inclination to have a long term relationship that could lead to marriage. Why are things so difficult in the 21st century? Of course it would be easy to point at men and all their shortcomings, but really we ladies also set ourselves up for failure more than we'd like to admit. From my observations, I have come to learn that we ladies of the 21st century have a lot to learn when it comes to building successful relationships, and here I have identified five ways we set ourselves up for failure in relationships. 

We follow the rules of others: If there is one thing I have learned about relationships, it's the fact that no two relationships work out the same way! The fact that Miss A could successfully pull off a long distance relationship doesn't mean you can too. The fact that she handles conflict a certain way with her man, doesn't mean the same rules will work for you. I just think women are too lazy these days to understand their men so they use the rules of others to govern their relationships, yet they wonder why things don't work out the way they expect. Guys are not all the same ladies!

We go in with an agenda: What happened to good old friendship and building a foundation with a person? These days many women go into a relationship simply for what they can get out of it- the status, the admiration of others and perhaps the money. Don't get me wrong; it's nice to have all those things, but they should not be the reason you choose to be with a person. It's no surprise that young women walk out of marriages for no reason these days! So many women get disappointed after sealing the deal because they realize that what seemed to be the opulent and ostentatious lifestyle they expected to have is not all it seemed to be from the outside. 

We act like wives before we become wives; I think this is the biggest flaw of the 21st century woman. For some reason I cannot comprehend, many women feel the need to prove themselves worthy of marriage. They go out of their way to act likeable and try as much as possible to fit the virtual image of a wife. They do all the chores, cook meals, do the laundry and try to establish themselves as wives worthy of a ring. if you're one of those women, stop it now! Stop trying to prove you are worth marrying. A guy already knows if he wants you forever whether you prove your worth to him or not. Stop trying to mould yourself into what you believe a wife should act like. Not only does this put strain on you, it puts strain on the guy too! All of a sudden, his fun happy girlfriend is only talking about practical couples stuff, when they could be planning a weekend away and talking about weird stuff. Stop arriving at his place like you are on a sanitary mission; I don't understand women who arrive and head straight to the kitchen to clean the dishes. Except you have OCD like me, it's not cool! (By the way, I clean up at my female friends too, because untidiness and my peace of mind are just parallel lines). Stop taking the fun out of the relationship with your 'wifeliness' (yes that's a fake word, but you get the point). 

We get too comfortable; This is what happens when women act like wives before they even get a proposal. Yes, your man should love your natural unretouched beauty; but he doesn't have to deal with that every single day. Put some effort into your appearance. Makeup is not a crime against your originality; it's there to enhance your features. Invest in looking after yourself; keep your skin in good condition, do your hair, keep your nails clean, put on clean clothes, invest in fragrances; just make an effort in every way! Don't get too comfortable with not putting in any effort. At least let him know you still want to be admired as he did when he first met you. 

We turn a blind eye when we shouldn't; There are character traits in some men that you would rather not put up with, but simply because all your friends or some celebrities on Instagram are putting up with it, you decide it's OK to deal with the drama that comes with it. Well, STOP!  Stop turning a blind eye to things that break or hurt your feelings. Stop going with the flow or hoping for change. Stop trying to change a man; he's called a man for a reason! He's not a toddler or an adolescent. He's a man- a man who is set in his ways, whom only God can change. Stop stringing yourself along for a relationship that does not add any value to your life. 

XOXO

Don't Find Love AFTER Marriage

I have heard many horror stories of marriages ending before they even had a chance to begin, and many marriages being between man, wife and a third person who is ever present! Many people do not like to admit it but they spend most of their marriage regretting their choice. I have heard the statement "I wish I had waited a bit longer" way too often to know that marriage is not the perfect pictures people post on social media for us to see. Many people, at the time of their weddings are in love with someone else, and are still weighing their decisions as they walk down the aisle. For some people, it is a classic case of meeting the love of their life AFTER they've sealed the deal with someone else. and so for them, marriage becomes a necessary evil they must choose everyday, rather than a choice they want to make no matter how bad or ugly things may get. 

The problem is these days, many people marry the available and not the compatible. People rush into marriage like one would run to catch a departing bus, they barely understand what they are latching on to, nor do they know the destination. People believe that if a man is good, then he will be a good husband; and if a woman is decent, she will be the best wife. The emotional connection necessary to make the relationship wholesome is missing, but many people jump in anyway. Few years into it, they meet someone that makes their heart stop, and makes them feel like they have never experienced happiness. They find love after marriage, and my my! It hurts like hell!

How do you explain to the spouse who put so much faith in you that he or she is not the love of your life? How do you explain that you made your choice based on facts presented to you like a judge would rule over a case- without any emotional attachment whatsoever? How do you explain that you have simply been ,mechanical all this while and now you feel childlike with someone else? Finding love somewhere else after sealing the deal of marriage is enough to break even the best people, so it's best you avoid it!

Be selfish about who you choose to marry! Contrary to what you may have been told, marriage is not a sacrificial commitment where your choice is based on how much you can do for the other person. Marriage is a commitment based on how much you can do for each other! Don't be blinded by your quest for nobility, and walk into a ditch! Selfishly make a choice to spend forever with someone who makes you genuinely happy! Someone whose quirks you understand, someone whose terrible manners irk you, but not enough to make you leave. Someone who makes you feel at peace with yourself everytime you close your eyes to think, pray or sleep, someone who makes you picture forever in your mind, and you actually like the picture you see. Don't get married to a person because she sings in the choir, or because he is quiet and reserved, hence you don't see him cheating in future. Marry the one that makes you laugh till your sides are sore and makes you feel their sadness like its yours. Marry a person you connect with physically, intellectually, psychologically AND emotionally! Let your heart leap for joy! Marriage is not just a spiritual contract between you, your spouse and God. It is an emotional contract too! Be sure you love the terms and conditions before you sign on the dotted line! XOXO

The Roles of a Wife

Recently, I wrote a post about the roles of a husband; if you want to check it out, click here. 

There are so many articles on the internet telling women what they should be and do to keep their marriages alive. Many times I am tempted to write comments discarding the numerous rules made for women but I've learned to pray to God to help me curb my fingers and the speed with which they type! One might wonder, what exactly is the role of a wife? In a society where we are constantly blurring the lines between equality and similarity, it seems we have lost touch of the things we ought to know, and now focus on either fighting society's designated roles or trying to enforce them.

Contrary to popular belief, a wife's place is not beneath her husband. Yes, I can feel all your glaring eyes and deathly stares concentrated on this article but hear me out. A wife is a helper- let's call her an assistant, but the unconventional thing about the wife is she was not made from the dust beneath Adam's feet, which I believe was an option, but she was made from Adam's rib cage- a bone from Adam was used to create Eve, hence Eve became the missing part of Adam that fit in as a glove, not as a servant or a maid. She was the part Adam needed to function completely in his role! Many women do not understand this hence they reduce themselves to mere ego massagers and treat their husbands like their sons. 

Your role as a wife is to be a partner! And I mean that in every sense of the word. A partner is not necessarily a "yes man"; a partner is someone who understands the vision, knows the purpose and is working towards it. This means when a husband is about to make a mistake, a wife has a right to speak up! It is a partnership for a reason- to ensure that when one person is heading toward the ditch, the other person can steer the carriage away from danger. Don't be the wife who believes in letting her husband make all the decisions even when he is steering you both to destruction! Your opinion matters a lot, and if it's not being valued, you know you are not married to a leader but to a 'master'. 

A wife is a leader in her own right. The greatest leaders are not those who tell everyone what to do; they are those who show everyone how it's done, and are willing to serve their team mates. Submission has been taken out of context to the extent that many women simply believe in playing mute and acting like they have no willpower of their own. they can't make decisions and have no authority over the affairs of the home. You're probably frowning at the word 'authority'. As a partner in the business of marriage, you have a God-given authority in your home. Your authority is not to oppress or suppress your husband, but to connect with him! Stop acting like you have suddenly lost your sense of direction because you're married. You have the authority and leadership ability to set an example for your children. 

A wife prays and protects! Not just herself but her husband and her children too! Nothing can conquer a praying wife. But again, the foundation of protection must be the partnership of the marriage. A wife must protect her husband like he protects her, and she must pray for him like he prays for her. It's your God-given authority to declare blessings over your husband and your children every single day

A wife creates a home out of a house! This is not a gender role; this is mostly because many men could not be bothered much if they had patio furniture in the living room. But it's not just furniture that makes a house a home. It's the warmth and cosy-ness of it! A wife creates a happy environment, a calm environment and a homely feel. Don't be the wife that offloads all the problems of the day on her husband at the door. He's probably just as stressed as you are, especially if you are both working. Let your home be a haven of escape for your family- a place where no one wants to leave because they are just so content being there. 

Being a wife is not about keeping silent, or leaving yourself to be controlled. Just as a man is the head, a woman is the neck that turns the head. A woman is just as important and should never take her role with a pinch of salt, or abandon her roles to satisfy the needs of a man who doesn't understand the purpose of a wife. As a wife, you're your husband's most important partner; be sure to tap into your position and maximize the beauty of your marriage. XOXO

Three Courtship Mistakes You Should Avoid

There is a general misconception about courtship that I believe should be psychologically corrected. Many people, especially women go into a courtship with the idea that they have to agree as much as possible with their chosen partner. The idea that a courtship may not work out due to contrary opinions is probably so scary for many that they spend the courtship period making mistakes, and the entire marriage trying to set things straight. Here are three mistakes you should completely avoid in a courtship.

·     First mistake many people make is apologizing for expressing how they feel, especially when those feelings are unpleasant and evoked by their partner’s actions or choice of words. Some people choose to keep silent in a bid to let peace reign, while others feel the need to apologize after expressing their hurt, especially when their partners turn the tables on them. You should never apologize for expressing how a person’s actions or words make you feel! You are a human being, with emotions and hormones. You are allowed to get upset at an unpleasant situation, and you definitely have a basic right to express those feelings. If you apologize or keep silent, you’re simply giving your partner the idea that such behavior or verbal expression is OK, so don’t be surprised if later in your marriage, your partner happily uses derogatory words on you, or acts in ways that hurt you.

·    Standing for nothing! A second big mistake we make in courtships is that we go in with an eagerness to please at all cost. People believe that to love a person, you have to agree with every single thing that person says or does. That is not true! There is love in agreeing to disagree! You should have your convictions about life and be willing to stand by them. If it is a big threat to your courtship, then you know you’re probably with the wrong person. You as an individual should have a set of values and moral codes you stand by. If you don’t have any, you’ll end up falling for anything your partner throws your way. This can lead to a loss of individuality, and while in some cases, the relationship might survive, many people find their individuality after a while and this causes an upheaval in the relationship

·     The acts of desperation after a fight that’s not your fault! Yes, I get it! Sometimes you have to apologize when you are not at fault to save your relationship and keep your ego from ruining things for you. But really, there should be a limit to those times! If your partner is always too arrogant to apologize after a big fight, don’t try to apologize to them especially when you are not at fault. It takes maturity to not let malice ruin your relationship, but it also takes maturity for a person to acknowledge wrongdoing and apologize for it. Don’t be the partner that’s always trying to keep the pieces together, because in marriage, you will be left with the responsibility of keeping the pieces together. Your partner has to want the success of the relationship as much as you do, else there’s no point walking down the aisle! If you engage in acts of desperation to save the relationship, you are giving the impression that you need the relationship more than your spouse does, hence you’re given your spouse a guilt-free card to do as he or she pleases! Stop apologizing unnecessarily! A courtship is not a favor; it’s an impending partnership between two WILLING parties!

XOXO

It Is The Simple Things That Count...

It is so easy to get used to some things that we consider basic that we forget to be thankful. I learnt that lesson over again recently.

My phone screen got broken twice within a short period, making it the third time in three months. My brother gave me a less expensive but functional one to use for a while but it also got broken. By some luck, I could still see half of what was on the screen, so I taught myself to guess what could be contained in the blurred portion of the half blurred screen.

 The frequency with which the screens got damaged frustrated me and I was even more irritated at the amount of money I have had to spend repairing the phone that I decided not to fix either of the phones for a while. Making calls and typing messages became such a big deal that made me realize I had to fix one of the phones for sanity sake.  So, I decided to fix the less expensive one that I wasn’t so psyched about. Surprisingly, I was very delighted after the phone was fixed because the short period of having that terrible screen made me very thankful and appreciative of simple features like typing a text message or seeing the caller ID of whoever called me.

When we get things in abundance, it is easy for us to get so used to it that we forget to be grateful. Like in our marriages, women naturally assume it is a man’s place to provide for his family forgetting that there are a million men out there that are not stepping up to their responsibilities. So we stretch our hands and demand for what we have conditioned ourselves to believe is our right( I am not saying it is not your right) and many times we don’t even say thank you or acknowledge the thoughts that go behind each lovely gesture.

Men also forget that homemaking is no joke and they take for granted most sacrifice their wives make.

We are all just guilty of getting so familiar with all these roles that we forget the sacrifice each person makes and sometimes we need a shake up like my broken phone screen to understand nothing ought to be taken for granted.

Always remember to appreciate your spouse for every ‘seemingly’ little contribution they make. Many arguments stem from a feeling of underappreciation. 

Say 'thank you' , give him a thankful hug, squeeze her hands to show you understand and care. Just dont forget that it is always these little simple things that counts.

PhotoCredit: kidbizmasters.com

Lagos Blues And Marriage

My childhood thoughts about Lagos (which was my idea of a really big town while growing up) used to be more focused on her long bridges and coloured beautiful waters. During my short visits to Lagos as a child I never saw the trash that laid around unattended to or the impatient looks on most people’s faces. I never heard the curses that were exchanged by different drivers nor did I see the desperation to survive that was written on the faces of most of the street hawkers. I was in awe of all I thought it was. I loved the fast tempo with which the city moved and I was enthralled by the city that never sleeps. I loved the tall buildings that housed her major companies and I was captivated by the fast talking men in suits.

I heard of the famous traffic jam but never taught about the discomfort it could bring. All I ever thought was how totally different and more exciting it was in comparison to my small town. I was told of the many traps of busy towns and its numerous dangers but that didn’t stop me from moving to the town as a young adult like million others. Since moving, I have been able to form my own opinion and unsurprisingly they are pleasant ones. I complain sometimes but it is been a great experience so far.

The traffic story is like they said but I find it gives me time to catch up on the many interesting programs on the radio. Some of the streets are littered but they tell of a very busy town where everything sells. Almost everyone is equipped with a dream they are bent on fulfilling and that spirit is contagious. Despite the odds, people still stay back and they build empires out of nothing.

Interestingly, I think about my small town especially its calmness. I miss the fresh air that used to hit my nose whenever I drove through its sparsely occupied roads. I miss my home church and all the people that were in it. It might not have street lights and high rise buildings but it holds memories of some great days of my life but I am assured that there are plenty more days in this highly populated town I have chosen over it.

These thoughts I had about Lagos resonates with marriage. I admired long standing couples despite being distracted with divorce stories and loveless marriages. As a big fan of the CI channel, I watched perfect love stories go awry but that was not enough to discourage me,because everything depends on perspective. You either choose to see the traffic or you concentrate on the music coming in through your earphones. Things get to you only when you allow them to.

 Marriage like Lagos, might not be all milk and honey but it is definitely not sour lemons.

Don’t lose faith in the institution, do your bit and allow room for improvement.

Photocredit :Kashif-ali.com, sodahead.com

Five Reasons Why You Should Quit That Relationship

The fear of the unknown is the real devil. As humans we could get really entrenched in terrible situations and  be reluctant to come out for fear that it could be darker outside or not knowing just where to go.

The Diamond Bank advert always gets me. I love their catchy selling sentence of ‘you need a new bank’. I find it interesting because it can be applied in many areas of our everyday lives. Like if you are always complaining about your job despite your great wealth of experience and qualifications, then, someone needs to remind you that ‘you need a new job’. 

This also means if you are in a really bad relationship, you need to be reminded it isn’t supposed to be the end of you. There are times you need to pull the plug on your relationship so you can make much needed progress.

Listed below are such instances;

·         If your partner abuses you verbally,physically or emotionally: Abuse creates a deep hole of pain,hurt and insecurity. If you are caught in an abusive relationship of whatever form, the smart thing to do is to leave. God forbid you become that dead person in the news or that crazily depressed and insecure lover. Just before things get too bad, please talk to your legs honey, and leave fast. You are no psychotherapist, your abusive partner has has issues that are deeper than you probably can handle. I know it is confusing seeing how sober he/she gets after each meltdown but you can’t keep walking on eggs calculating what the next trigger could possibly be. Dead bodies don’t talk. End that relationship now before it becomes the end of you.

·         If you are not sexually attracted to your partner: Many of us start relationships hoping the attraction comes along the line, but there is a high probability that it wouldn't. Our parents or those before them might have been able to stay in relationships despite not feeling attracted to the individual but it still doesn’t in any way downplay the role of physical attraction. It all boils down to incompatibility. To avoid future unhappiness and infidelity, it is advisable to quit that relationship now before it gets deeper. In a balanced relationship, physical attraction plays a major part.

·         If your partner can’t make up his/her mind about commitment: There is nothing nice about the hot and cold lover. Even God doesn’t fancy such people. You need to know if you are both on the same page.  It could be hard to leave a familiar territory for a not so familiar one and that is probably one of the reasons people stay back in some relationships that they are better off without. How can one be in her 30s and still be waiting on her on and off lover of over seven years to propose. If he is getting cold feet, just move on and stop mourning the time and energy you have expended. Don’t be scared to break free, there is so much healthy love out there you deserve to enjoy.

·         If your partner is a chronic cheat: Many things happen in relationships and people sometimes make mistakes. Forgiveness can be an option when you weigh the circumstances coupled with a truly repentant person. But it is a total disservice to oneself when you allow an habitual cheat in your life.I know love sometimes make people feel like they have superpowers that could make them conquer the world, but when you have an unrepentant cheat as a partner, there is no amount of love that can conquer that habit. You need to leave that relationship, else, you’d end up with more than a broken heart and STDs , you'll end uo with something worse. 

·         If your partner’s aspiration are different from yours:You need to be each other’s major cheerleaders. As emotional creatures, the support of our loved ones matter a lot to us. If you don’t believe in each other’s dreams, then there is bound to be a major disconnect which might crash the relationship in future. 

I

Three People You Should NEVER Give A second Chance

The idea of second chances is very well engraved in most religious doctrines. Irrespective of how badly a  person has treated us, we are expected to forgive and forget. In order to prove we have forgotten, we are expected to give that person another chance to be a part of our lives. After following up on countless crime stories and disheartening tales of abuse, I have come to the conclusion that not everyone deserves a second chance. Sometimes, it is best to forgive and forget without proving it to the other person. Here are three people I believe you should NOT consider giving a second chance.

1. The Backstabbing friend: Yes, we all say things about our friends when we are upset with them, but most of the time, such words are spoken without hurtful intentions, and sometimes we even forget we have said anything. However, there are those friends who go all out to destroy you; friends who sit silently while you are being crucified by others, and most especially friends who join others to ridicule you when things just aren't going well for you. These are friends you need to let go of. When you break that bond, there is no point trying to glue the ends back together. A friend who joins others to crucify you, or jumps at any opportunity to put you down is not your friend. No matter how hard such a friend tries to get back into your life, save yourself the betrayal and just keep such a person at arm's length.

2. The 'justified cheating' spouse: I know there have been some posts on the internet that romanticize cheating and ask the victim of a cheating spouse to try to understand why their partner cheated instead of just breaking things off and moving on. That's simply telling people cheating can be justified, and if it is it should be forgiven. Sadly, there are many people who walk around with this entitled attitude to cheating; people who believe you should get on board with the memo and stop whining about it. If you have such a person as an ex, looking to find a way back into your life, my advice is to forgive and move on. A person who believes cheating is justified either based on gender, or other factors you cannot fulfill will never stop cheating. If a person justifies cheating on you, you will never be good enough. Simply forgive and move on. No point giving second chances here. 

3. The 'all about me' disappearing act: There are people who are simply high maintenance. Everything you do has to revolve around them or be about them. Anything short of that makes them question your loyalty towards them. As far as they are concerned, if you are not looking out for, or looking after them, you're not being a true friend. It would be all well and good if such people returned the favor. At least you'd know you're putting something in the piggy bank for later. But many of them don't! When you break down, they are either nowhere to be found, or they stay at a distance, because they don't want to be burdened with your problems. These are the sycophants in your life- those who hang around you for the good times because it serves them well, and disappear when you have nothing to offer. There is no point allowing such people drain you continuously. Again, forgive and forget by moving on!

XOXO

Choosing The One: Of Heights, Looks and Other Frivolities

Cream coloured drapes complimented the light brown walls of the one room apartment that used to be my room when I was in the university. With my own kitchen and bathroom enclosed, it was the haven most students desired. A number of my friends would come visiting and we would talk about everything from politics to celebrity news. We knew there was a life after school but something must have made us feel the years wouldn’t pass by so quickly. Our primary worry was our CGPAs and once that was covered, our lives were very well centered around mundane things like who was dating who or who looked hotter in what dress. Our chatters could have rivalled any well scripted TV show because there were no bars to how far our mouths and thoughts ran.  The topics moved fast and you’d be surprised at some of the opinions we aired.

When the topic was on relationship and what to look for in a future partner, we all echoed almost same things. Tall, dark, of certain height(most women are guilty of this actually), great jawline and all other silly things we could think of, movies and novels must have fed our imaginations. Our dream partner’s character was never really up for discussion, apparently the person’s character didn’t matter in those thoughtless banters we had.

 How naïve we were!

How Not to RUIN Your Marriage (2) - Communicating Right

One thing I have always been sure of is that I don’t ever want to wake up in the middle of my life, when I am too old to date, and discover my marriage has become a boring routine of two people enduring themselves out of necessity. That is just way out of my dream, so I set out befriending different people, asking questions, reading books and learning from my own mistakes. It is from these, that I have made a list of workable things that could lead towards having a fun and love filled marriage.

I emphasized earlier on the need to stay desirable. Another very important point is that you should never get tired of talking.

Whatever issues you might encounter, it is important that you talk about it and you must never get tired of doing this. Some of the conversations might be difficult to have but I guarantee you’ll feel much better talking about it and probably being able to find a workable solution together, than you’ll ever feel staying mute or bearing grudges.

The thing about talking is it has some basic rules.First you need to know the importance of the two Ts which is : picking the right Time and Thinking before you talk. These points very well explain themselves. After you must have gotten your partners attention, bear in mind not to do the following:

Do not nag: Nagging is not an effective way of communication. I carried out a survey among different couples and everyone agreed nagging is downright irritating and achieves very little. If at all, it drives a bigger wedge between you and your partner. Most people that nag think that is how to drive home their point but this is untrue. Take for instance, people feel miserable around toddlers when they throw tantrums because the drama the child creates by doing that can just be downright annoying. It is hard trying to make sense of all that drama when so much can be achieved if the child tries to communicate his feelings the right way.

 

Do not ever compare your spouse to someone else: That is just so disrespectful. We all are different with different weak and strong points. While we might be opened to improving ourselves, nobody loves being compared to someone else. Don’t you ever say my ex makes my food this particular way or my mum would have done it this way. There are other ways of driving your point without adding fuel to an already burning fire. The idea of communicating is not to make your partner feel very inadequate. It is alright to argue in marriages but there are times we discover our actions hurt deeper than what we argued about. Every one loves to feel secure in their relationships so it really hurts when your spouse compares you to another person. Don’t be that insensitive spouse.

Do not raise you voice: The temptation to do this can be very high especially when you are really mad. So the key is for you to stay calm and probably not talk when emotions are still high. Give each other time to calm down. Chances are you might not even need a serious talk because most times we discover the things we are mad about are not really worth it.

Do not use profane/ demeaning words: Who doesn’t like scoring points? You’d find out you might want to say somethings that are very hurtful but then when the smoke clears, all that is left is tears and pain. It is just a disagreement you’d most likely settle but your choice of words will definitely hurt and haunt you long after.so be careful what you say.

Listen: Communication works two ways, someone talks, the other listens. That is how solutions are reached and relationships get nurtured. Don't be so in love with the sound of your voice that you miss the point your partner is trying to make. Remember nobody is keeping scores on who wins what.

Being in love doesn’t guarantee a smooth ride, there are always ups and downs but our attitude towards the downs is what makes for a great relationship. Relationships are built on communication, we can’t be good friends if we don’t converse well. We learn a lot about each other by talking about things the right way. So, If the sex is not right, let your spouse know, If it is mind-blowing, please tell. Whatever it is, just don’t get tired of talking and while you are at it, stay guided.

God bless.

Five Important Things You Need To Discuss Before Getting Married

Times have really changed. I was watching a program on the TLC channel the other day. It is a reality show that follows the lives of different couples that were in long distance relationships but are engaged to get married. They get K1 visas to visit America and must get married or the foreigner goes back within three months. It is very interesting because lots of things come to fore. 

A particular lady caught my attention, she asked her husband to be if the ring he engaged her with was an authentic one and like that question wasn’t startling enough? She insisted that they go check the worth of the ring. That move said a lot about her personality and One need no soothsayer to know their love paradise would get a major stir.

This brings me to the major topic of discourse. We are so much in a hurry these days that we skip important conversations, this could be part of the reason why there so many divorces. Marriage is a very important step and being in love is not enough. We also need to have the right conversation before we take that step that can totally alter our destiny.

Six Types of Women Men Should Avoid

A long time ago, I wrote a post about five types of men women should avoid. If you’d like to read it, click here. Since writing that post, I have come to realize that good women are not the only ones who get messed up; good guys tend to fall into the wrong hands too.

Sometimes, it’s due to a lack of experience- not knowing what signs and character traits to look out for. And sometimes it’s due to sticking to obsolete norms that no longer work in the 21st century society. Here are six types of women single men should avoid falling prey to.

The un-reciprocator: Yes, I made that word up. Yes, you should know what I mean by this. I know that many times the world preaches love that gives and expects nothing in return. In relationships, that is simply a no-no. You cannot keep investing in a woman who does not see it fit to invest in you. You cannot keep giving and giving without expecting any form of gesture that shows she acknowledges, respects and is keen to show you how much she cares too. She might not be able to meet up with your gestures in size, but the effort should be there. 

The un-reciprocator can fast become a serial cheater. It is very easy to cheat on a relationship where they have not invested anything, because they have nothing to lose. Such women are often self-absorbed, and cannot be bothered about the sacrifices you make at your own detriment. A woman who does not reciprocate your love for her, even in small gestures is just not into you!

Even When It Hurts

Have you ever woken up feeling blue and grey, and all the other colours that just don't paint the picture of a happy joyous day ahead? Well, I believe I can say many of you have experienced that at least once. There are times in life when everything seems to be spinning out of control, and in spite of our best efforts, we just can't get them to work out the way we want. There will be times when you will wake up and not want to talk to God; you will ask yourself if worshipping God is worth it, and you will probably not understand why God has chosen to make things work the way they have for you. The past few days have been just like that for me, but when I reached the edge, God sent me a song through one of my best buddies who I had not even shared my dilemma with. "Even when it hurts" by Hillsong United is an appropriate song for such a time. The lyrics say: 

"Even when my strength is lost, I'll praise you. Even when I have no song, I'll praise you. Even when it's hard to find the words, louder then, I'll sing your praise! Even when the fight seems lost, I'll praise you. Even when it hurts like hell, I'll praise you. Even when it makes no sense to sing, louder then I'll sing your praise. I will only sing your praise."

This song made me think about Romans 8:28- "Everything works together for good for those who love God", and I realized that even when things are not going our way, it doesn't mean they are not working for our good. Just like a mother would not alloow her toddler swallow sand on the playground, God sometimes keeps us from things we believe are good for us, because He knows we don't know any better. Of course like toddlers, we will scream and cry, because we want to eat 'sand', especially if it's 'sand' that looks appealing but God always knows what will harm us in future. I learned by listening to that song that God does not take joy in harming us; God does not enjoy seeing us weep and live in penury. When God closes a door, He wants us to look elsewhere! It's his way of stopping us from our own destruction. God's plans for us will always surpass our human plans. He already knows what awaits us in future. We on the other hand cannot see beyond our noses- that's if we can even see our noses. 

 

Praise God in the difficulty! Even when it hurts like hell, and it makes no sense to praise Him, Do it anyway. Do it in your tears and your pain. God will never fail!