Your Love IS Not Exactly My Love

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I was months deep into one of the popular wedding Instagram pages just some moments ago. All of the pictures were so perfect and each story was really fascinating. 

From the pre wedding shoots to the pre and post pregnancy shoots, every picture had its own beautiful peculiarity. I am one of those silent page stalkers, so my awws were undocumented but not many people are like me seeing as the comments spilled over.

Most of us can’t help it, we are in love with the idea of love. This is evident from the ‘awws’and ‘OMGs,so cute’ that the many perfect pictures uploaded on social media get. One could also deduce from the comments that someone was definitely going to be disturbing his/her partner for glamorous shoots.We find ourselves dreaming and selling ourselves narrow expectations of love. 

Many of us try to define love like it is limited to the smiles on the faces of two lovers trying to strike the pose of the century or like it is just the great romance story told by our favourite blog. We try to make love out only in present tense when it is really in continuous tense. We forget just how intangible it is when we try to box it up and colour it with just our favourite colour.

Silence the Negativity! (2)

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Negativity is a battle, and your mind is the battlefield. You must come to the fight prepared every single time! And the best preparation you can have at the ready is the word of God!!! Instead of dwelling on negativity, start to dig deep into your bible. You don't have to start at Genesis, start anywhere. Proclaim the promises in God's word to yourself! Insert your name in the beautiful descriptions God uses for His children in the bible. Say it out loud till you can hear it echoing in your ears! Take charge of the remote control of your mind, and mute the negative thoughts and voices! Don't take them and use them as tools of sarcasm against yourself. This is a mistake many of us make, not knowing what we think is a healthy sense of humor, is nothing more than resignations to Satan's wiles and lies. 

You are not ugly so stop bowing your head when you walk; you are not second-best so stop acting like you are. You are not your broken relationships, or failed marriage. You are not your lack of success, and you are not destined to live a life of hardship and pain. You are destined for greatness, happiness, and success. Stop accepting Satan's lies, and conditioning yourself to adjust to them. Take a righteous stand against them! 

I remember one night, I woke up in anxiety, I was sweating profusely, and for some reason, in a blind panic. I didn’t have a nightmare. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t remember dreaming about anything at all. I was panicking for no reason, and suddenly all the negative what-ifs flooded my mind. What if I end up losing my job and become destitute? What if I couldn’t deliver on the huge projects before me, and I ended up being an embarrassment to my research team? What if I never meet a good man, and I end up with fifteen parrots? (I’m not kidding. These days, I deliberately avoid pet stores and random pets altogether). What if, what if what if! I ended up texting a friend who was thousands of miles away in another country; I told her about my fears and everything and guess what she said? “I take a righteous stand against these thoughts! I refuse to accept them as truth”. Oh? I almost beat myself up! How come I didn’t think of taking a righteous stand against my own issues? That led me to realize the importance of having the right partnerships when battling negativity! 

As you dig into your bible and tear down Satan’s lies with God’s truth, also build partnerships with people who will happily stand with you against Satan’s lies. Partner with people who will remember God’s word when you forget them! Partner with people who specialize in the art of positive confessions. Partner with people who are able to sniff out any tiny infiltration by Satan, and are quick to point them out to you. Partner with people who pray, people who will remind you to pray, people who will pray for you too! 

Negativity is sometimes the only tool holding us back from achieving our highest levels of success! Confront the elephant in the room, start your mission to completely silence negativity in your life today! XOXO

Silence the Negativity! (1)

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Is it just me or are there times in life when a cloud of negativity hangs around and just won't dissipate? Think about it; how many times have seemingly unrelated events led you to the brink of depression and left you feeling blue? How often have you had a bright idea, and immediately, a voice in your head lists all the things that could possibly go wrong? How many times have you tried to take a step forward but the negative thoughts in your head kept you glued to the same spot, making you feel the full effect of stagnancy? I guess we have all experienced this at some point in our lives. 

Negativity is mostly the result of past experiences that have multiplied into bits and pieces of fear which culminate monstrously to stagnate our minds, and cause us to fixate on the possible negatives, rather than the possible positives. Sometimes negativity is a result of fear born from our observation of other people's experiences; I saw a movie where two people fell out of a theme park ride and plunged to their deaths, and since then, I maintained a healthy distance from theme parks. Many psychologists will call it some kind of phobia, but the truth is the phobia or fear makes me focus on the negative what-ifs. Most times, it is a combination of both our experiences and those of others. It doesn't help if these negative events occur in succession; the most likely human outcome is to adjust to a pessimistic mind set which is often difficult to recondition. 

Negativity is an elephant many of us do not like to confront. In fact, we believe if we acknowledge it's there, it might take the shape of a man or a woman and actually start camping out on our sofas, or even sharing our beds with us. Here's the thing we need to understand. If it's there in your mind, that is as real as it gets. It will affect your actions without you knowing it, and it will affect your decisions, your relationships and even your success as an individual. The best way to deal with negativity is to acknowledge its existence and silence it without even second-guessing yourself. 

Recently, I started an exercise where I acknowledge negative thoughts; I feel them coming and I accept the force with which they are arriving, and just when they are about to set up their tents and camp beds, I tell myself loudly that I am not what these thoughts suggest, nor am I what my mind is trying to make me believe. This is because I have learned that Satan loves to dramatize things and exaggerate them. How else will he confound the children of God if he does not make them feel like they are falling off a cliff?

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Are You Dating a Substance Abuser? Here’s What You Need to Know (2)

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The big question when it comes to substance abuse is whether your partner is simply experimenting, an occasional or social indulger, or a full on addict. The truth is that many addicts do not admit they are addicts. As a matter of fact, many marijuana smokers would never admit they are addicted to it; instead, expect a full lecture about ALL the health benefits no one is talking about. So how do you know your partner is an addict? Simple! He or she cannot live without it! Yes, they may go a week without indulging, or even a month, but at some point, they will complain about their inability to function properly, and before you can blink twice, they’ll be back at it, twice as hard. 

If you are in a relationship with a substance abuser, you are either in an ungainly situation already, or on your way into one, and you need to get out. No adult, male or female should put up with a person who has no self-control, and substance abusers are the personification of lack of self-control.

First things first; in order to leave a relationship you’ve built with a substance abuser you need to address your personal psychological conceptions or misconceptions as they may be. One general misconception you may have been led to believe is that it is your duty as a person who’s in love with a substance abuser to change that person. Wrong!!! You cannot change anyone, except you clone a new version of that person, and even then, the DNA is still the same, save for a few splices and modifications that you want to introduce. When you decide to leave, your partner might break down, plead, and highlight how you’d stay and change them if you truly care. Do not fall for this. It is their duty to change themselves. Your presence or absence will not change anything except they decide to. 

Another psychological misconception is that if you love a person, you must agree with, and accept everything that person does. NOT TRUE! Love gives you room to disagree, to express your feelings, no matter what they are, and to voice your opinions without feeling like you are about to push someone over the edge. This in essence means that you do not have to accept substance abuse simply because you are in love with a person. Understand this: how you feel is very important, and if it hurts their feelings, say it anyway, and prepare for your exit. Once you have this misconception out of your head, you are ready to leave the relationship. 

An important thing to note is to not aggravate a substance abuser; although he or she may not be violent, you never know what could happen. So try to keep things as amicable as possible and make your exit as pain-free as you can. Understand that when you leave, they will make up stories about you, and paint pictures of things that never happened. They might go to the extent of smearing your personality but take it all in good stride, and keep walking. Confrontations with a substance abuser is entirely unnecessary because they are so wrapped up in their delusions, they will only see their perception of things, which is unfortunately a result of drug-induced highs and a latent mental instability. 

Do you have any thoughts regarding this topic, do share! XOXO

Are You Dating a Substance Abuser? Here’s What You Need to Know

Substance abuse is becoming less frowned upon. There is a new level of acceptance, or should I rather call it diplomacy that the world has embraced where substance abuse is concerned. Drinking till one is in a stupor or getting high on marijuana is not exactly a crime; it has never been. For many teenagers, it is about experimenting; for adults who abuse dangerous substances including drugs, it’s a complicated case of addiction and lack of self-control. 

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You may not know it, or you may have chosen to turn a blind eye, but the fact remains that substance abuse has never helped a relationship. If anything at all, substance abuse is the foundation of many toxic relationships. A partner who abuses harmful substances is all you need to tear you down, cause you to doubt your adequacy, and poison your self-esteem. 

Substance abusers, be it alcohol, marijuana or hard drugs like cocaine and heroin tend to gravitate towards creating lofty dreams of grandeur for their future. They tend to aggrandize themselves in preparation for this future dream which is unfortunately a mere result of the high they feel after using whatever substance they are into. Sadly, if you’ve chosen to turn a blind eye to the substance abuse, you might mistake these moments of grand picturesque ideas of the future as ambition and drive, which leads me to my next point. 

Many substance abusers fail to achieve anything substantial. It may be difficult for you to accept this because you know that one guy who succeeded in spite of all the substances he ingests, or that one lady who still manages to keep it together. Yea, those are the exceptions. In many cases, substance abusers do not achieve much, although they are very good at presenting themselves as high achievers who can match up to anyone at any time. This is what makes them abusive people. 

Many ladies I have met and coached have attested to the fact that their partners are usually more loving after smoking a joint, but once the high is over, it’s a whole different ball game. Substance abusers are not necessarily physically abusive. In fact, many of them are not violent in any way, but they can be emotionally and psychologically abusive. If you let them aggrandize themselves to you, and draw you into their delusions of grandeur, you’ll find that they start to tear you down emotionally and psychologically. In the mind of every substance abuser out there, no one else is better, and if you are with them, you’d better be grateful for the favor. 

Substance abusers are very possessive even though they are not 100% committed to you. The high many of them get from these substances gives them the idea that they can run the world, and own people. Hence, you’ll find that they expect 100% loyalty from you, and might even conjure stories to test your fidelity, but at the same time they want you to understand their need (not desire, but need) to cheat on you. They will constantly tell you their possessiveness is because of the love they feel for you, but beware, a guy who constantly walks around the house with you, goes with you to the toilet, and sticks to you like glue every second of the day, will not be pleased if you try to make friends with other people. 

Substance abusers generally have no regard for other people’s feelings, and will always want the relationship to play to their expectations. In other words, after aggrandizing themselves to you, they want you to be on your toes. They want you to please them, and any form of expression they do not request is considered out of place, and an attack on their personality.

A relationship with a substance abuser can be draining emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, and even financially! When they are low on supplies, they will take advantage of your soft spot, and expect you to foot the bill. Failure to do so will be translated to mean you are judging them because you do not have an open mind. To continue with this post, please click here 

Are You Contemplating Divorce?

I found family law really interesting when I was a student.The cases we studied were peculiar, especially divorce cases, the petitioners mostly bore same surname as the respondent alluding to the bond they both used to share. Some facts of some of the cases were downright ugly but in our naivety, we seemed to find it funny. We would laugh and pass silly comments. Thinking back now, there was absolutely nothing funny about a marital union gone bad.

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I have witnessed many more unions break since that time and the names on some files I treat, have faces to them. It is so hard to work out how people go from being very in love to wanting to draw blood in one lifetime . One thing I know for sure is God didn’t intend divorce and there is something foundationally wrong with dissolution of marriage.

The idea of marriage has been seriously watered down. What some people want is an exclusive sexual arrangement devoid of sacrifices or responsibilities. There seem to be no room for mistakes or forgiveness.

We have coined our own comfortable definition for marriage and divorce premised on our ‘civilised’ and ‘liberal’ views. But no matter the kind of definition we come up with, it would fall short if it does not reflect God’s original plan for marriage. He intended marriage for exclusivity, procreation, enjoyment, companionship, permanence.

 "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, "FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'? "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." Matt 19:3-9

For I hate divorce, says the Lord. Malachi 2:16

So if God doesn’t want it, why do people still divorce? Why are there so many divorces?

Important Marital Rules You Ought To Live By

I didn't used to be a big fan of rules till I discovered most rules were made for the protection and sanity of the whole. Just like the secular laws , we have religious laws too and so many other laws that guide most aspects of our lives.For every aspect of our lives there are always codes written and unwritten to live by. So it is unsurprising that asides from laws preserving the monogamous nature of marriage, there are other rules that have been proven to also preserve marital happiness.

We can argue that no two marriages are the same but some things cut across most marriages and those things are what I will be sharing below.

Don't threaten your spouse with divorce:"I don't know how long I can keep up with this."

"This was all a terrible mistake, what was I thinking."

"I am tired of all this."

Sentences like this are just wrong. It ridicules the vows you made to be committed to your spouse at all times. It is a wrong way to react, there are other ways to right a wrong done.

You are just going to be cheapening your marriage and weakening the bond you share. Stop being so overly dramatic.

What Will Be Written On Your Epitaph?

A lady shared a story of how she began sexually abusing her younger ones after she got abused by an older relative. Her story got me thinking about how every act of ours has a ripple effect. A damaged person can create thousands more damaged people, same way a deed of kindness can alter the lives of an entire generation.

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Life is fascinating in many ways, it is crazy how one minute we are here and we can be gone in the next. I am not trying to write a gloomy post but a little reflection never hurts. We should search deep down within us sometimes and sincerely answer the question of what we’ll want our epitaph to read like. It doesn’t matter if death doesn’t come for us till a hundred years. We just need to get to that place where we sincerely and consciously take steps to make the world around us, and even beyond, a better place.

“You Don’t Make Him Feel Like a Man"

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I have heard this statement so many times, I’ve actually lost count. There’s always that one friend in a group of female buddies who highlights the fact that you are not making your man feel like a man. She’s that female friend who has learned the arts of submission, acceptance and selflessness all so well, it is hard to imagine her life spiraling out of control, or her relationship falling apart. She is the female friend who is adaptable to any new man she meets, the female friend who understands the need to adjust her life to suit her man’s needs, and well, make him feel like a man. So it only makes sense that she’d point out to you that your man might be acting out because you’re failing in your duty to make him feel like a man. 

Of course women are not the only ones who think it’s their duty to make their men feel like men. Some men express this opinion very strongly. They use it as an excuse for unbecoming behavior and in many cases infidelity. “You don’t know how to make me feel like a man. You should go and learn from your friends”. This complaint is usually followed by supporting statements like “You’re trying to control me”, and the infamous “you’re too strong; your dreams are too big”. *Sigh… the list of complaints is rather long but let’s talk about the “make me feel like a man” bit. 

11 Sure Tips To Having A More Productive Life

It is hard to ignore the stranger beside you that is bopping excitedly to loud music in the traffic. IT is a very sunny afternoon but your windows are down because your fuel gauge tells you can’t use the airconditioner for a while and the next filling station is about 15mins away from where you are. Given the traffic jam you might as well add another 30mins.

The sound of different honks and chatters from different passersby make it really hard to think. Your mind finally finds a place of ‘rest’ in dissatisfying thoughts of how your time could be put into more productive use. You find yourself making the all familiar analysis on all the things that could have been done.

You know this trend so well because it very well could be your life. Thing is you are not alone, you have a large company. It sometimes feel like time is on some sort of hover board, we find it very hard to keep up. Was it not yesterday that we celebrated the New Year, how come the calendar is telling of a day in September?

Why You're No Longer Good Enough For Your Partner

Many relationships these days are faced with issue of infidelity. Whether it is a once-off occurrence or a continuous slap in the face, infidelity can take its toll on anyone’s sense of self-worth. Feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem can envelop the victim of infidelity and result in a complete withdrawal from a relationship, or an urge to constantly prove that you are better than the other person. Many wives stretch themselves to extreme limits to please their cheating husbands, and many men throw money they don’t have at their women to prevent them from running off with the new guy down the block. This is because for some inexplicable reason, we tend to believe the reason for our partner’s wandering eye is that we are not good enough. I’ve come to learn this is not actually the case. 

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In this day and age, there’s what we call the “in thing”- the trend in vogue; and in an indirect way, we are constantly becoming reliant on what we have, who we date, and how others perceive us for our self-esteem. That’s one of the reasons we rush to change phones every year whenever a new model is out, some people do the same with cars, and I’m sure if they could change houses every year, they would too. This heavy reliance on external acceptance and the strong need for external admiration to make us feel good about ourselves is one of the many intricate reasons why relationships can no longer stand the test of time. 

It is fast-becoming a norm for people to ‘upgrade’ their partners. The lines between individuals and material things are now so blurred, we treat everything and everyone the same way. The way we upgrade phones every year, we are constantly on the lookout for the latest type of partner in vogue so we can intimidate our buddies and earn their respect. It is prevalent amongst men to want to upgrade after years of sticking with the same boring old woman; they go for the young skinny secretary who has never had children or had to clean up after them, and compare her to the woman who has been there through thick and thin. They feel the need to upgrade. Women are not exempt; after years of receiving support from a wonderful man, they jump on a yacht with a businessman, wave goodbye, and disappear. 

It is understandable that after being with a person for years, supporting them, and helping them build their dreams that you’d have that overwhelming feeling of not being good enough when they decide to up and leave. 

Well, snap out of it!!! It is not your fault that a person can’t see your great qualities, and their inability to see your worth does not decrease it in any way. I sometimes walk into clothing stores, see some price tags, laugh in my head, and leave. The fact that I walk away doesn’t mean the store manager will immediately decrease the price of the item. Unless it’s sale season, it will go for that price, and those who can afford it will purchase it. It’s the same with relationships. They may not see your worth anymore because there’s someone else who fits the ‘in vogue’ description. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean you are useless or not good enough. It’s exhilarating to ride in a new BMW, but we all know a vintage car will always have more value in the eyes of a connoisseur. You are not old and ‘not good enough anymore’, you are vintage, and only a true expert can see your value. Stop feeling blue, and quit selling yourself short. You are worth a whole lot more than you can imagine in the arms of the right person. XOXO.

For a different angle to this post, check out my analogy using my dad’s relationship with his radio by clicking here

Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last

It is so disheartening when one’s love is unrequited, the kind some people call being friend zoned. When we find ourselves in such predicament, we are quick to see all that is wrong with the world. We wonder why the people of the world are so icy cold despite the global warming(ok, I didn’t mean that). A friend asked me once why some people don’t appreciate the people that show them love. If I were to rephrase her question, it would be ‘why do nice people finish last?’

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While I am of the opinion the world is in more need of nice people, I have noticed a rather painful trend when this term is associated to romantic relationships. An overly nice person is prone to being taken for granted and the reasons are as stated below:

No one notices the doormat: We all get back home and dust our feet on the doormat. Laying on the mat whatever filth we brought from outside. The doormat stays there dutifully taking it all with no complain. We don’t see how hard it serves us, this can be likened to the ‘nice person’. Such person is always available even when being treated wrongly, it doesn’t matter that their messages are left unreplied for days or their phone calls rejected. Such person is satisfied with that tiny bit of time to hold on to. They are there when we go from one heartbreak to the other, they offer tissues to us when we are dejected. We could scream and insult them, they’ll still be back the next day. We forget to appreciate their good deeds because we have become so used to them we stop seeing them.

Note: It is alright to call people out on their wrongs. Don’t let your feelings override reason, don’t be scared to speak out when you are hurt and you should be able to say enough is really enough.

No one wants to have a romantic relationship with their father: The problem might be you worry too much and perhaps you are too nurturing. Your attitude makes it hard to view you in a romantic light. You make it hard for one to perceive you as more than a caring person. 

Note: You need not break your back to prove your love for someone. If you are a naturally loving person, then you will definitely find someone deserving. 

You come across as uninteresting: There are many unstable people in the world. The fact that you cant bring the drama such people desire makes them call you 'boring'. You always do the same things and you are always right most times. You dot your sentences with 'Please' 'May I' 'Can I' 'Sorry' 'Thank you'. Your resolve to always be there has made you out as a clingy person with no life outside the person you are interested in. There is no mystery to you, they say.

Note:People are mostly hypocritical. It is not your fault that you are loving and selfless. You are not made for those that take such qualities for granted.  

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If he/she tells you ‘you deserve better’, you definitely do. There is definitely someone that is custom-made for you .Not everything we desire is good for us so if anyone can’t take your awesomeness or takes you for granted, then it is the person’s loss. 
You are the kind women and men stay up into the night praying for. You don't have to change your ways.  

Is Your Child Being Sexually Abused

Sexual abuse is unfortunately no longer limited to teenagers and older age groups. Little children, even as toddlers fall prey to long-lasting sexual abuse. Sex predators find it a lot easier to prey on children because it is stress-free to take advantage of their innocence. Sadly, the fast-paced lifestyle of many families and the obligations of many parents outside the home make it difficult for them to notice signs of sexual abuse in their children. Many parents in the past have regrettably assigned the unbecoming behaviors of their children to growth sprouts and entering into a different age group, unaware of the fact that their children are exhibiting signs of abuse. 

The first clear sign of abuse is withdrawal. After being sexually abused especially by a member of the family or a teacher, many children retreat into their shell, and can spend hours locked up in their rooms, speaking to no one in particular. It is normal for children to exhibit this behavior as a result of abuse, because generally, children tend to be caught in a personal fable where they think no one else understands what they are going through. Of course, withdrawal might be a result of hormonal changes in the body or growth into a new phase of life, but just to be safe, make sure to cross abuse off your list. 

Source: www.naasca.org

Another sign of abuse which often goes unnoticed is an overly familiar relationship between the child and the sexual predator. Children mostly do not know when they are being abused; hence they tend to believe in lies told by their predators. One such lies is “this is a game I made just for the two of us.” The children are drawn by the idea that they are more special than others, hence they tend to gravitate towards their abuser rather greatly. Unfortunately, most sexual abusers are family members, hence the sudden closeness between the child and the predator tends to go unnoticed. 

How do you know if your child is being abused? 

First things first, communicate with your child; not just on a general level but with intricate details about every event. Many parents ask their children “how was school today?” and of course the general response to that is “fine”, after which the questions halt and give way to some other topic of conversation. Don’t stop at general questions. Ask questions that require details in their responses like “what did you do today? Did you spend time with your teacher? What did he or she ask from you?” Ask questions that give you all the information you need to paint a vivid picture of your child’s day in your head. 

Earn your child’s trust. This is where many parents fail, especially with teenage children. Parents try so hard to enforce laws on their children, and fail terribly, while those who leave their children to walk whichever paths they please end up raising societal monsters who feel entitled to everything. Where is the middle ground? Negotiation. You are more likely to win your child’s trust by negotiating certain decisions with them than you are if you were to absolutely enforce those decisions. If you earn your child’s trust, you’ve opened the lines of communication so well that your child would feel comfortable enough to tell you if there is any suspicious behavior on the part of a teacher or a family member. 

Sexual abuse of children is rampant, and it is important that you protect your children. If you have any more tips, do share. XOXO

Is God’s Love Conditional?

I came across the picture below on a Facebook page called ‘Christian Mothers against Masturbation’. The picture depicts two young men in the same situation, one of them being a masturbator, and the other not one. The masturbator is seen in the picture hanging on for dear life with no one to come to his aid, while the non-masturbator, who happens to be in the exact same situation has Jesus holding out his hands to help him. The first time I saw the picture, I was confused as to what my reaction ought to be. I wasn’t sure if I ought to stand with the mission of the facebook group which is to discourage children from masturbating, or if I should be speaking against the wrong depiction of Christ as was clear in the attached picture. I chose the latter. 

Source: Christian Mothers Against Masturbation Facebook Page

Many of us Christians think that way; we look at sinners, and we jeer at them, declaring at the top of our voices that God will not come to their aid come hail or storm, hell or high water. It seems we expect evil to befall sinners simply because we want to justify our belief in Christ and prove that people who sin will inevitably end up in the pits of hell. Unfortunately, that is not true. 

God’s love is not a result of who we are or are not, neither is it a function of what we do or do not do. God’s love is absolutely unconditional; He loves us because of who He is. Think about the story of the prodigal son for a moment, and try to see the story from the perspective of the father. After his son had squandered all his money, and disrespected him by demanding an early share of his father’s estate, the father welcomed him openly with hugs and kisses, and even ordered for the best calf to be killed in order to prepare a feast for him. God’s extravagant love is just the same! 

As Christians, we tend to put ourselves on a pedestal like the elder brother in the parable of the prodigal son; we look out for the downfall of sinners, rather than pray for their repentance, and we tend to think God loves them less than he loves us because we are dutiful Christians. That fortunately is not the case. God’s love for all of us remains unchangeable, and he is ever willing to help out any sinner that calls on his name! XOXO

Emotional Infidelity:How Faithful Are You?

The allure in most relationships is the exclusivity. The ability to physically and emotionally be connected is what most of us seek and hope to get when we will our hearts out to another. 

We go into relationships not seriously considering bad bargains. We expect utmost faithfulness and loyalty, and nothing less. Many of us vow to uphold this expectations too but time has taught us differently. 

Despite the expectations, stories of infidelity trail many relationships.

In fact, short of being told to turn a blind eye, we have been conditioned to expect it. I read of yet another pastor involved in the Ashley Madison scandal and I know for a fact that this subject, like a terrible plague, cannot be wished away. We don’t have a choice but to talk about it as what it is, hoping we find a lasting solution along the line.

I was chatting with a friend of mine when a question popped up as to what could be termed as cheating. She mentioned the case of a man and a woman who were lovers but broke up as a result of conflicting genotypes. The man and the woman got married to different people but kept on seeing themselves occasionally just to hold hands and talk. Her question was whether what they were doing could be termed as cheating since there was no sexual intercourse.

How to Get out of a toxic relationship

If you’d like to identify the signs of a toxic relationship, read a previous post by clicking here.

Toxic relationships often lead to marriage. Contrary to what many people may think, toxic relationships are a lot more likely to reach the altar before healthy well-balanced relationships. Sadly, marriage is a measure of success in many societies, so not many observers can see the signs of toxicity seeping out of the marriage facade. If you have identified from the previous post (link provided above) that you are in a toxic relationship, here are some steps you can take to get out of it.

• Talk to someone: There is this desire we all have to keep our relationship issues private no matter how badly they may be eating away at us. From experience, I have found that speaking to someone who is completely objective about your issues could help you see things differently. Problems discussed in a very good conversation are already half-solved. Identify a person you genuinely trust and speak sincerely. The need to speak to someone is so you can gather the strength you need for the remaining steps, and also for the much-needed encouragement when you are about to give up on your fight to freedom. 

• Relate freely with other people: Many people in toxic relationships have a very unhealthy dependency on their partner for company, compliments and everything else that makes a person whole. They tend to live in an isolated bubble away from the company of others and are often at the mercy of their possessive partners. In order to break away from a toxic relationship, you need to deliberately relate with other people. This is not as easy as it sounds, but little efforts day after day will eventually lead to emancipation. Go to a cinema alone and watch a comedy. Laugh alongside strangers, pay people compliments and most importantly, speak to other people- old friends, acquaintances colleagues… anyone you can talk to about nothing in particular is all part of your emancipation.

For Women: You Can Have It All

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Have you ever sat through a pep talk for any pyramid marketing scheme? You should.

You’d feel like a kid again, you’d feel like there is nothing you are incapable of doing. It is a good feeling but it doesn’t last for a long time once you realize just how hard it is getting what was said done.

It is very much like making kids play pretend.

Back in the days, we had particular days dedicated to pretend in my elementary school. Some of us would dress as doctors, some as lawyers, and every other ‘prestigious’ occupation one can think of. We all had dreams of the life we wanted, we wanted to be the best in our fields. We were made to believe we could be whoever and whatever we wanted to be and we believed them. Our eyes would sparkle whenever we shared our dreams with our friends and parents. We were so young and naïve.

8 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Get Married(2)

(This is a continuation. Kindly read the first installment  here·        

• Don’t get married hoping to replicate another couple’s marital success: Mentors are good but there is that point where the line should be drawn. We all are different and our situations aren’t the same thing. If you are thinking of getting married hoping your husband/wife ought to be like your dad/mum or hoping your husband ought to be like your friend’s husband, then you are not ready yet. Things get negotiated for in marriages, you shouldn’t impose a vacation you might not be able to afford.

• Don’t get married because those around you are pressuring you to: The society puts everything in one’s face. You see your old schoolmates and their cousins saying the big ‘Yes’ and it is hard not to wonder when yours will come. My dear, everyone’s time is different, don’t ever allow all these get to you. It will definitely come for you at your assigned time.it is your life and you should live by your rules. Family and friends might mean well but they won’t be the one married to a mistake. Take your time, the change in status doesn’t translate to happiness if you get it wrong. Don’t allow the pressure make you make all the wrong choices.

•  Don’t get married just for better finances: Look for better reasons to love him/her and judge him now before the ring. What if he loses that great job or she becomes incapacitated? What becomes of the bills and probably your children’s welfare? You are not allowed to be so short sighted.Asides from all these, All that glitters isn’t gold is a very familiar and true phrase. You need to look for something deeper and also work on yourself. Trust me when I say you don’t want to be broke, divorced and miserable. 

8 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Get Married

Marriage is a big deal around these parts.

It is an assumption that many people settle down because they finally found the right person and they also feel it is the right time to take such step. It is also an assumption that getting married is an ‘achievement’ so some people feel the need to get married not because they found the right person but because of the change in status. 

There are so many myths too, like ‘love is not a necessity in a relationship, and it can be found after marriage’ or that one can find the greatest fulfillment ‘only’ in marriage.

There are so many opinions on what is right and not right. While getting married is desirable, it is not the ultimate goal. Staying happily married forever is the goal. To achieve this, one needs to be sure one is settling down for the right reasons. 

See, I rebelliously enjoy humming my favourite nursery rhymes and bopping my head to whatever tune I am feeling in a moment not minding the curious looks I get from passersby. That way I get to preserve a little bit of my childhood, I get to be free the way only a child can be. Given my carefree attitude, I was the last person anyone close to me thought would settle down when I did. Not because I wasn’t ‘old’ enough but more because they understand that my carefree attitude was just a façade.

They wanted to know if I held myself to the same qualities I preached. So, I got asked ‘plenty’ questions after I introduced my fiancé. I got asked questions like ‘what does being in love feel like?’ and the questions got even weirder after my engagement, I got asked ‘How did you know he is the one?’ Are you in love with him? Is he in love with you? Do you think he settled? Do you think you settled? What were your reasons for saying yes? How did you know you are ready? Etc.

Beware of the Sleeper Couch Mentality in Your Relationship!

Every relationship, be it courtship or a full on marriage becomes comfortable with routine as time goes on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a routine. As human beings, we are creatures of habit, and we have a proclivity to continually exhibit certain behavioral traits. So it is understandable that routines exist in relationships, but it is certainly not an excuse to convert to a sleeper couch mentality.

I have come to discover that no relationship is 100% happy 100% of the time. There are people who find happiness in their marriages to be no more than a fleeting experience, while others seem to have a more grounded experience of what it is. What happens in most marriages that seem to be constant however is that people start to feel entitled to certain benefits, and they start to act it out. I understand that after signing on the dotted lines, you basically sign your life as it was before the contract away. 

You can't fly solo anymore, or make decisions on your own; you always have to involve the other person, because he or she is entitled to that benefit. But is this an excuse to take a laid back approach where your partner is concerned?

I recently spent time with a married friend whose husband's birthday was coming up. I excitedly asked if she had pulled out all the stops to give him a birthday he won't forget, and her surprising response was "nope. He's the guy, I don't have to do all that". Oh?! Guys don't deserve birthday gifts or deserve to be spoiled? It's the same way many men stop appreciating their wives. After a while you hear things like "I know she's exhausted everyday but she's only fulfilling her duty as a wife." 

Signs You're In A Toxic Relationship

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Toxic relationships are often very well covered by the parties involved. Many people in toxic relationships are hardly even aware of the ill effect the relationship has on them, and will go to the ends of the earth to defend what external parties may perceive as toxicity.
Sadly, this character trait is what makes toxic relationships even more damaging – the people involved are unaware they need help, hence the damage continues till they reach a point of no-return. Marriages turn toxic, and some relationships start off on the foundation of toxicity. Whatever the case may be, here are some traits of a toxic relationship

• Extreme jealousy: A little bit of jealousy can make your partner feel appreciated; the fact that you are afraid of losing your partner endears them more to you in most cases. However, in relationships filled with extreme jealousy, emotions are very unstable. Extreme jealousy is often due to an unhealthy level of passion where both partners feel threatened by any slight interaction with the outside world. Such jealousy is not necessarily a result of someone else being in the picture; it could be a result of resentment towards the other person’s job or the other person’s attraction to a sport. Basically, anything that takes away attention causes one party to become very unstable and can often lead to violence. If you are in a relationship where the jealousy is more inexplicable than the love, it’s time to pack up and leave. 

I Don't Love You Anymore

She had just finished her morning chores when she drew her favorite kitchen chair to sit down and savor the scent from the lemon grass that was cooking on one of the two table stoves that were in the kitchen.

It is a ritual she never misses every morning. Soft jazz could be heard playing from the small music player that was perched on one of the numerous shelves. She used to love counting her blessings by allowing her thoughts wander. She used to think about the many women that would give their all to step in her shoes, but so much has changed in recent times.

She poured out a cup for herself from the kettle that had been boiling and proceeded to add some honey and a bag of black tea. She could feel her spirit being lifted just before it got to that point where it can’t seem to soar past. It is an inexplicable feeling of discomforting calm. She ought to be happy but the pretense had taken a toll on her.

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A persistent knock on the door jolted her out of her thoughts. It was Kunle, her husband of seven years. He is the reason behind her happiness and the cause of the underlying pain she feels now. She has still not gotten over the shock after he told her over dinner the week before that he has fallen out of love with her and wanted a divorce. He had been trying to avoid a confrontation, not like she wants one too. But last night, in what seemed like a mini confrontation, he mentioned that she doesn’t excite him anymore.  She wanted some kind of elaboration, a deeper explanation of what excitement entails.

 A quick journey through her mind, she could see where they both have gone wrong. They have become so used to eachother, perhaps slipping on basic things that could have fueled their passion for each other.

With a great resolve to fight for the love they once shared and probably still share, she adjusted her floral dress as she opened the door, greeting him with a light peck on both cheeks. Kunle was taken aback, ‘am I in the same house?’ he thought. She helped him remove his jacket while making little conversations to ease some of the tension between them. She felt a shiver as his fingers lightly brushed hers. His eyes followed her as she fetched him some water to drink.

She felt his stare on the back of her neck and became even more determined to fight for their love. Their thoughts were aligned in that moment.

They made a resolve to try again.