"This is Not the Marriage I signed Up For!"

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I have heard so many heartbreaking stories about marriage. Sometimes I wonder why people bother to get married at all. I have heard stories of abuse, I have seen people throw in the towel because they just can't go on anymore, and I have seem many people broken and battered, yet staying put in order to save face with society. In all these scenarios, one confession remains constant 

"This is not the marriage I signed up for!"

It is disheartening to hear that statement. More often than not, I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about marriage, and wondering if people truly change to become these beasts that exert torture on the partners they swore to love, come hell or high water. The truth I have learned is that people do not change, and in many cases of bad marriage, there are no victims; there are simply volunteers. Truly, some people have been blindsided by wolves in sheep clothing; some have truly found themselves married to people who changed all of a sudden, but I discovered most of the time that people do know what they are signing up for when they get married. 

Before you claim that this is not the marriage you signed up for, think back to the courtship, and the many times you could have voiced out your opinion regarding a certain subject but chose to bite your tongue because you were scared of losing the relationship. Think back to the times you felt you were being mistreated, but dismissed your valid feelings as invalid sensitivity. Think back to the many times you were unhappy and offended but still went out of your way to apologize for things you did not do. Think back to the many times you thought you had to prove to your partner that you're marriage material. 

The truth is that many people set the stage for unhappy marriages with their own building blocks. People downgrade and belittle themselves to satisfy the unjustified ego of their partner; many times, people make unnecessary sacrifices to prove love in ways that negate what love actually is. Many people are not victims of bad marriages, they are volunteers. What do you expect would happen in marriage if you've been physically and emotionally abused during the courtship? Do you expect that a couple of sentences in the form of marriage vows would change anything? 

Stop fooling yourself and take some responsibility. This is the marriage you signed up for. You saw the signs, you knew what your spouse was made of, you knew you were walking into a dark pit, but you had faith that things will change. Unfortunately, nothing will change. People do not change. Yes, little traits improve for the better, but generally, people become amplified versions of themselves as they grow older. 

It is not too late to undo the damage. You can still steer the ship around. To do that, you must first acknowledge the things you let slide.You must think back and analyze where you went wrong. Don't focus on what your spouse has done or failed to do. Empower yourself, and speak up clearly! Let your dissatisfaction be heard. Explain clearly how you want to be treated. Let your happiness be a target you must achieve. XOXO