Ladies Avoid a Man If He Says Any of These Things

Many women go into relationships with hopes and aspirations of enjoying a blissful time with an amazing partner. However, with time, the relationship turns sour and they find themselves facing loads of false accusations, derogatory words and all sorts of emotionally abusive expressions. The truth is many abusive men do not show the signs from the beginning, however, there are tiny little things you can pay attention to that may save you from heartache, and keep potentially abusive men at bay. Here are some of the things a man might say that you should pay attention to. 

#1 “You are intimidating”: This is not a compliment so don’t blush. It is a veiled attack on your personality, but you should not rise to defend it. Don’t say “I’m not! If you get to know me better, you’ll see I’m not.” Nah… rather smile, nod your head and keep walking. From personal experience and the experiences of others, I can tell you that a man who tells you you are intimidating is hoping you will lower yourself for his benefit. He is hoping you will droop your shoulders, speak in a lower tone of voice, and stop offering your opinion. Don’t fall for it. 

#2 “You are too strong”: There is no such thing as a woman who is too strong. Many men use this statement to disarm women and force into a mode where they have to prove they are submissive. They are stylishly demanding submission in a way that enables them to exert control over you. Do not fall for this. You are not too strong (there is no such thing). You are strong full stop! And you should be! Given everything you have overcome, no one has the right to chip away at your strength by saying you are just too strong. 

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Musings Of A 'Worrying' Young Mum

I never really loved animations and cartoons while growing up. Not like I loved TV time that much generally, but if I had to watch TV, then, I love for my characters to be human. My imaginations are not that creative I suppose.

 

But in recent times, I have found myself watching so many of the popular and unpopular animations, I even know the studios that produced them. I sometimes feel like I can take a quiz on these animated movies and cartoons and perform excellently. The reason for that is definitely my obsession to try and keep whatever we watch at home child friendly and most of the animated movies have safe themes for kids. I kind of feel like I owe it to my child to help preserve her innocence. I desire for her vocabulary to be devoid of profane words, I desire for her to learn and understand everyday courtesies. 

While scouting for her school, I chose one that has high moral standards because of my perceived thought that I’m in control of who she’ll become. Unconsciously, I am trying to mold her life a certain way. But I have found out that I am not in control at all.

Rebellion - A Cry For Help (Advice for Parents)

I have been made to understand parenting is the most difficult job in the world. I have watched from the side lines as parents try to raise their children with the right values, instill the right moral code, and simply ensure they grow up to be hardworking and productive. Sadly, not all children grow up to fully internalize these lessons at the time their parents want them to. Some children make friends and become rebellious. Sometimes, they appear rebellious when really, they are simply crying out for attention. As a parent, you must learn to know the root cause of this.

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The worst thing any parent can do is to praise one child while highlighting the flaws of another. This is often common amongst parents who have a child or children who have managed to accept all their teachings without any extreme show of rebellion, and that one child who seems to dispel every teaching they try to put out. This leads to unnecessary comparisons – “Your brother is so much better; look at how far he has gone while you are still stuck in this phase”; “Your sister got married because she is so hardworking and well-behaved. You on the other hand are so lazy and unable to attract a good man.”

I’ll tell you now that by comparing one child to the other, you are creating disaster. You are creating a rift between your children, and setting them up to compete with one another rather than work together. It is not advisable to focus on the flaws of any child. Rather, invest your time and energy in noticing what each child does right. Oh yes! Even the worst child on earth has a few good qualities. Rather than hammering on what he or she does not do right, praise the good qualities and encourage them. This will cause your child to engage in those activities more, and this may eventually help to overturn negative characteristics. 

Instead of condemning your child’s rebellion, try to assess your failures as a parent- your lack of attention to his or her feelings, your desire to spend more time with one child and not the other, and your lack of encouragement. Children feel these things and express themselves through rebellion. Learn to love and encourage as a parent. XOXO

Thinking Infidelity?

I find many things troubling about our societal values. I can never truly understand how as a society we can measure wrongs based on gender. Many times when this lapse is pointed out, people are quick to talk about one being feministic but that really isn’t the issue.  I am not about to write this post by unveiling my viciously feministic alter ego. No! I will spare you the pains of listening to my riddled thoughts on unbalanced scales of the genders.

 

I am not even going to go into details about how four married men at work were unashamedly bragging about their extra marital affairs. I am also not going to rant about how I find the fact, that the wife of one of the men packs him condoms, befuddling.

What is wrong with women not having standards? I am sorry I digressed.

I will try very much to keep this post devoid of pained feministic opinions. It is one intended for you to reflect on simple moral values.

I read of a woman who cheated on her husband of 23years after she found out that he bragged to one of his numerous mistresses that his wife was ok with his philandering ways.  Of course, people judged her and told her just how shameless she is. One of the predominant questions most people asked is how a married woman can conceive such thought and carry such out.

Truth be told I am sick of how many times I have heard the sentence ‘a man will always be a man’. I am not an advocate of avenging a wrong by committing more wrong but I suppose sanity can be achieved by acknowledging we all are accountable for our actions irrespective of who we are. There are certain values that should never be compromised. Temptations abound but one needs to bear in mind that only guilt and betrayal outlive that short moment of selfish desire.

When next that ungodly thought creeps in your head, let the following be your guide:-

Stop and Think: - Spontaneity is good but in situations preceding adultery, you need to STOP and THINK. Ask yourself if you would be able to live with the consequences that follow. I have seen families that have been destroyed because of short misplaced and uncontrolled passion. ‘It’s just sex” some say. It is never just sex, trust is broken, people get hurt and many other consequences follow.

Do as you would be done by: - If your spouse were in your shoes, would you forgive him/her after such act? By all means, respect your partners’ feelings. There are no scales of balance on who should be hurt more. Man/ woman, the mandate is same. Lots of work goes into building trust in a relationship, don’t mock all that hard work by acting selfishly. Think of the aftermath.

What company are you keeping: - The Yoruba have a proverb that says “a sheep that walks with a dog will eat faecal matter”. Bottom-line is that you cannot be in the company of adulterers always and be acting like you have a special immunity. You need to choose your friends. In a world where sin has become the fad, dare to be the weird one.

What standards are you holding yourself to: - Have you asked yourself what Jesus would do in your situation? Being a Christian goes farther than paying tithes and attending services, it is a lifestyle. Flee from sin my dear.

Take your vows seriously. Forget what the society think is right or wrong, your vow is between you, your spouse and your God.  Man or woman, whoever you are, we all are accountable to the same God.

Being Single is the Best Phase of Your Life

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I don’t understand why many young women are obsessed with the idea of marriage. These days, even twenty-two year old ladies are on the lookout for someone to marry, and it makes me wonder if they understand how amazing being single is. I’m not saying people should be single forever, but understand that while you are single, you learn a lot about yourself, and that is the best preparation for married life.

I watched ‘How to be Single’ the weekend it was released, and the lesson in the movie, though subtle, was very profound. Many single women out there are so engrossed in the search for a life partner that they are not paying any attention to themselves, their growth, or the life lessons around them. Their time is heavily invested in attracting the right kind of man, dropping subtle hints about proposals, and well, you know how these things roll. 

Your single phase is actually the best phase of your life. This is the phase where you work out your identity. This is the phase where you learn everything you need to know about yourself. This is the phase where you get to work out what you can and cannot tolerate. Many women skip this phase and jump into marriage, only to find themselves in emotionally abusive unions. Many women are so eager to skip the single phase, their identities are heavily dependent on the kind of man who approaches them. If he’s into extreme sports, suddenly, they want to join extreme sports too. If he already has children, then they want to put on mommy jeans; if he is highly educated, then they suddenly have a desire to pursue advanced degrees. If you have been letting the men you meet dictate your identity, then you are yet to learn how to be single. 

As a single woman, aim to be grounded in your self-developed identity, not an identity that is dependent on what society says or the men you meet. Keep yourself busy; earn some money or study if that’s what you want. Get your own apartment; learn how to manage your own funds, how to plan for your day, how to cook, how to clean up after yourself, and how to manage your time. Learn how to pursue your dreams on your own, and surround yourself with amazing friends who support your aspirations. This is what being single is all about – a phase filled with life lessons you cannot learn when you are tied to someone else. 

If you can learn the right lessons as a single woman, marital life with the right man who appreciates your strengths and respects your identity will be fulfilling. XOXO.

My Pastor Said "He Is The One For Me"

I am saddened whenever I see people eating grasses because their pastor instructed them to or when children are almost/sometimes beaten to death because they are said to be possessed by ungodly spirits.

I am sick of hearing people complain about brothers/sisters that they were told by their spiritual heads are their perfect fits turning out to be worse than the devil. My questions to such people are did you seek the face of the Lord concerning the person yourself? Is your pastor in sole possession of the direct line to God? Will the pastor be in the relationship with you?  

There are many empty giants, a Facebook status read, alluding to the starvation of the spirit by many believers.

It read strange at first, but on a closer look, I got what the author of the update meant. It is true that many of us invest more in our physical bodies than we do in our spirits. We are guilty of being really lazy at developing ourselves spiritually. This lapse makes many of us prone to living lives far below what God intended for us. We find ourselves being exploited by people hiding behind the facade of spiritual heads. Your walk with God is a personal journey. Don’t be tricked into believing your future can only be decided by fake prophesies. Doctrines are definitely not the same but one thing is constant- the bible. This is the truth we all need to turn to for guidance instead of believing in things we ought to question.

Our spiritual heads are there to encourage and guide us and at times when their words are contrary to the word of God, the word of God should override.

This knowledge is only made available to us if we take out moments from our very busy lives to feed our souls. This keeps us sharp enough to know when counsels are downright ungodly. Even the bible enjoins us to seek the truth always.

Life is truly filled with uncertainties. If what tomorrow holds were as clear as writings on a paper, many of us wouldn’t be where we are today. One will be smart enough to know from start, the love that is doomed. One will be wise not to be caught in fruitless pursuits. Living life would be so easy and yet so boring. This is because the thrill of life lies in its uncertainties.

The gift of discernment is one of the biggest gifts man’s given. Since we don’t know for certain what tomorrow holds, we owe our lives to the decisions we make because we live with the consequences of whatever decision we make. This is why we ought to keep our souls and spirits nourished with the truth.

I say this especially in relation to relationships. If your pastor says he/she is the one, it doesn’t translate to you throwing caution to the wind and going forward with preparation for marriage. You still have to seek God on your own and try to court the person so you can know for sure if you compatible or not. Many marriages have crashed due to some pastors’ “matchmaking ways”.

Brothers and sisters, let wisdom guide you always. 

Don’t Leave Your Territory Unguarded!

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I have often wondered why good people end up stepping out of their marriages to seek adventure in the arms of someone else. By ‘good people’, I am referring to people who do not have a disposition to cheat, or feel cheating is justified in any way, yet they end up in the arms of someone else, discussing their life’s issues and enjoying the attention they receive.

Last week, I watched Tyler Perry’s temptation; I watched it when it was first released at the cinemas and at that time, my attention was focused solely on the woman. She got tempted by a dark, tall and handsome stranger who waltzed into her life and gave her everything a girl could ever ask for – rides on private jets, designer clothes and shoes, a fancy apartment, money, the good life… the whole nine yards. That was my first understanding of the movie. However, when I watched it again last week, I realized that this woman was actually not dissatisfied because her husband could not give her the finer things in life; she was terribly unhappy because her husband left her unguarded. 

Many married couples take each other for better, for worse, and for granted after a little while. The compliments stop coming; the words of assurance are forcefully offered; birthdays are forgotten, anniversaries are just another day; gifts seize, and well, the spouse becomes another fixture in the home. Romance is lost, and the relationship is nothing more than functional. Then someone comes along and gives all the attention you are not giving. No, it might not even be someone who’s richer; attention is more than enough for most people. You might even find that your spouse is the one with the financial resources in the illicit relationship. 

Stop taking your spouse for granted! Marriage is meant to be functional, but that does not mean it should lose its spark. A compliment here and there will not break your tongue; words of assurance offered to your spouse will not reduce your identity; thoughtful gifts do not have to break your bank account. Sex does not have to be just another encounter. You need to spice things up. You need to guard your territory, and guard it with all you have, not by throwing jealous rages but by continuously expressing your love for your spouse. 

Plan a trip for you and your spouse; plan a project you can both get involved in; take a class together; plan movie nights just for you both. Tell your spouse how good they look; notice new shirts and new hairstyles. Spend quality time together talking and laughing. Give gifts often, even when it is not a special day. Be more involved in your spouse’s life; invest in your partner. These seemingly small gestures make a big difference when a stranger tries to invade your territory. If you don’t guard your spouse, you’re leaving him or her open to invasion. At that point, it’s not about whether or not your spouse is a good person; it’s about the need to be appreciated and loved. XOXO

Why Do We Get Married?

The wedding industry keeps expanding despite the negative media that has followed a number of marriages. I find new pages of interesting wedding businesses on my Instagram all the time and I must confess I get lost in the beauty of each story. Apparently love hasn’t lost its charm on me. I still feel the same kind of genuine awe when I see two people in love taking that step into forever. My insides even get warmer whenever I see elderly people that have stayed committed to one another for a long period of time. It gives a feeling of hope in the middle of all the troubling stories that have been in the media.

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There are so many negative stories of betrayal, violence and lies. A married person is sometimes portrayed as being in a self-imposed prison. There are so many memes poking fun at the married life. I read a post the other day about polyamory and I honestly can’t believe that people were seriously trying to find justification for infidelity. It is very much like what Ashley Madison and similar sites were offering. Showtime even has a show called ‘Married and Dating”( a show that features married couples that are in other relationships). The rising debate that man isn’t  monogamous in nature is indeed troubling. Don’t even get me started on all the things one is said to miss out on, one of it being one’s sense of independence.

If men are such unruly animals as some of these debates try to portray, or if marriage is such hell and as boring as some people paint it out to be, then, why do people still get married? Why do we go through the pains of planning our lives together and taking oaths in front of families and friends? Should it not be enough for us to profess love for one another and just live together without the weight of a certificate and the need to live within certain boundaries?

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I found out there are so many reasons why people get married. Some people get married because they feel their biological clock is ticking or for financial security, some get married because it is what every of their friends is doing. Some get married because it seems like the right thing to do while some get married because their families and friends think they ought to. Some get married because it gets lonely at night (and the fear of viral diseases make multiple partners less desirable) others get married because they have found that special person and they want to fulfil God’s call for man to multiply.

Of course not all these reasons make sense but I have found out on the top of that list lies man’s need for companionship, love and understanding.There is also the need to have and raise children in a stable environment. It can be argued that this doesn’t necessarily have to be within the confines of a marriage but the exclusivity of marriage and its seriousness make married people more dedicated towards the fulfillment of these goals. Also many of us understand that getting married is like taking a step of faith, the cons are not enough to discourage us.

 Marriage is an institution that God is interested in (Matt 19:4-6). Many things might have gone wrong that make it all seem like a bad idea but when we commit our relationships into God’s hands and apply the right attitude, we can build relationships that will give us a deep sense of love and fulfillment thereby making other people believers.

Whenever the time comes, whatever the case may be, please get married for the right reasons.

How to Work Through Your Insecurities

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Insecurities affect behavioral expressions because they are deeply ingrained in the mind, and may result in a skewed perception of other people. Every individual I’ve met has something they are insecure about, so it is almost impossible not to have some form of insecurity. What is important is ensuring that your insecurities do not play a defining role in your character and behavioral traits. 

The first step to working through your insecurities is to accept that you are insecure. If that sounds like a ball park definition, I’ll narrow things down for you. If you feel you can only be in a relationship with a person you can control, then you are insecure. If you are constantly seeking to highlight the flaws of others, it is an indication that you have deep flaws you are trying very hard to hide. If you feel uncomfortable with the fact that a person is just a good person, and you secretly hope they slip and fall for all to see, it shows you are insecure about yourself and what you have to offer others. If you are constantly passing on the good guys (I don’t mean the boring ones who make you want to pull your hair out), you might be battling an insecurity that tells you you’re not good enough for someone so amazing. If you only feel good when you walk into a room and realize you’re the best-dressed, then you are insecure, and exhibiting pseudo-confidence. Get the gist? Now, what to do. 

1. Accept that you cannot be perfect: The reason many people are insecure is because they are caught up in a fantasy of perfection. They look at air-brushed individuals and scripted reality shows that propagate pseudo-perfection, and decide to aim for ‘that kind of life/ personality.” It is impossible to be perfect. The moment you tell yourself this repeatedly, half of your problems are gone. Don't obsess over every flaw you have. Don't put yourself down because your character is not what someone else desires.  

2. Understand that You don’t have to prove anything to anyone: This is one step that helps you accept yourself as you are- flaws and all, with the understanding that your flaws are being worked on by God through different experiences he exposes you to, hence you don’t have to prove to anyone that you are good enough to date, or the best option for anyone. If they cannot see the good in you, it’s best they keep walking.

3. Pray about the things you are unhappy with: Many insecure people really do not wish to express their insecurities. Yes, the battle is within, and they want to address them from within, but sometimes, it’s difficult to keep things from spilling over. If there is anything about yourself that you are unhappy with, change it. If the battle is within you, pray about it constantly. I’ve come to realize that we can pray about just anything. I sometimes find myself praying about how ill feelings I have towards someone else, and I find that it helps. It’s like a wave of the Holy Spirit comes over me in that moment and replaces those thoughts with the right ones. The same way, you can pray about any insecurities you may have. Ask God to help you see yourself the way he sees you- beautiful and blessed.

4. Surround yourself with people who constantly uplift you: If you are hanging around insecure friends, chances are those relationships will heighten your insecurities. They will push you to be defensive about your life, and cause you to obsess over your flaws. Stop hanging out with friends who are into competing with each other. True friends don't compete. Stop hanging out with friends who affirm your negative thoughts towards yourself. Surround yourself with friends who can see you are fighting you battles, and are always there to offer an encouraging word and point out your strengths to you, especially when you can't see them. 

Any more tips? Do share. XOXO

Why You keep Hurting the Perfect Partner

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Many of the posts I put up here often address ‘victims’. Like most relationship bloggers, I tend to address those at the receiving end of ill treatment. Today, my thoughts wandered to those at the inflicting end of pain; those who hold the devil’s fork that torments others; those who are so emotionally disconnected from others, they keep inflicting pain without feeling the need to quit. If you are the one with the devil’s fork, this article is for you. 

Have you ever stopped to wonder why you feel the need to inflict pain on others no matter how good they may have been to you? Do you ever stop to wonder why that amazing man or woman gets on your nerves and you simply feel the need to get down and dirty with someone who threatens your emotional stability? Do you wonder why you mistreat men who are looking out for your success, and aiming to lift you higher, but tend to encourage those who have nothing to offer you with the expectation that you can save them? Then you might be dealing with deep-seated emotional issues that even you are yet to place your hands on. One of these issues is that of insecurity. 

Most people in the world are insecure about something; it could be something totally superficial like their looks, or something deeply ingrained in their character like their ability to do certain things or lack thereof. Whatever the case may be, insecurities can result in expressions of ill behaviour and affect your disposition towards relationships. 

If you are constantly shunning the good people or seeking to break down their confidence, you are highly insecure and need to work through your insecurities. Many insecure people wear the masks of false confidence. They spend a lot of their time and energy rehearsing lines, smiles and moves, to ensure they come across as highly secure in their identity. However, once they are in relationships with people who are genuinely secure in themselves, they feel the need to tear them down. It’s that need to maintain the false superiority you have built that causes you to mistreat other people for simply being themselves. It’s that deep-seated insecurity that causes you to feel threatened if your partner is intelligent and full of life. It is that deep insecurity that causes you to lash out at your partner because they are everything good you feel you are not. It is insecurity that causes you to see the confidence in a good partner as arrogance, and that of course makes you feel threatened. Of course, you will not show you are threatened, you will rather pass yourself off as offended by the great level of arrogance (i.e. genuine confidence) they display. Insecurity is what causes you to cheat on a good partner and still blame him/her for your infidelity. If you have been trading yourself off as confident in a bid to assure yourself that’s why you can’t put up with good partners, stop fooling yourself. You are not confident; you are insecure. 

The purpose of this post of course is not to judge you; I am writing this to help you. It is time to stop embracing insecurity. It is time to start being your genuine self, and enjoying the company of good relationships that push you to be better. In my next post, I will address how to work through your insecurities so you can enjoy relationships with amazing people!

Three Tactics for Building Lasting Friendships

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An amazing friend is one of the best things you can have, and also one of the best things you can be. Building lasting friendships is one thing you do not want to miss out on. Even if your partner is your best friend, you still need other friends outside your relationship that you can confide in, get silly with, and when the skies are grey, cry with. Here are my top three tactics for building lasting friendships. 

#1 Accept People As They Are: Many of us make the mistake of going into friendships with the idea that whoever we want to be friends with has to agree with us on everything. It’s almost impossible to find someone who would agree with you 100% on every single thing. Even twins do not agree on everything. Instead of trying to coerce or mould potential friends into what you’d like, rather accept them the way they are. The beauty of this is that you can easily see if your personalities will rub each other the wrong way and step back from the friendship. 

#2 Don’t Make Gossip a Foundation: Some friendships are born from the joint dislike of someone else, and that can generally create the illusion of a strong bond between two people… only for as long as they are ‘hating’ the other person/ people. As soon as the interest in that external party fades, the friendship bond wanes, and is often difficult to rebuild. Awkward silences, forced discussions about the weather, and unnecessarily seeking out someone new to detest will be the order of the day for a friendship built on gossip. It is best to build your friendships on who you are as individuals. Talk about each other, open up to each other, discuss your ideologies regarding life, relationships…anything else that tickles your fancy. Let the focus of your friendship be the both of you. 

#3 Have the right kind of listening ear: There is a wrong kind of listening ear in case you are unaware. The wrong kind of listening ear is the one that hears what your friend is saying but is not listening to the hurt or pain being expressed. The wrong kind of listening ear jumps to criticize and highlight weakness. The wrong kind of listening ear ridicules the other person’s problems and aims to glorify personal strength by highlighting how you would have handled the issue. Learn to have the right kind of listening ear. Learn to detect a tone of sadness so you can give a word of encouragement or a hug. Learn to simply nod and listen while a person lets out their frustration. You are more likely to earn their trust that way, and your friendship will definitely be stronger. 

Do you have any tips for lasting friendships? Do share. XOXO

Like Calls to Like; Opposites Attract

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This is a post for all the single readers. The title of this post is clearly two statements that seem to be complete opposites and cannot be applied simultaneously to the same situation; however, I have found that in relationships, this is the perfect formula for finding the right mate. You’re probably wondering what I mean. I’ll break it down:

Like calls to like: This statement simply highlights the fact that people of the same characteristics tend to be attracted to each other. People with like minds tend to stick together; people who are headed in the same direction tend to walk together. If you can apply this first rule to your next relationship, half of your relationship woes are over! Many people end up heartbroken because they don’t apply the ‘like calls to like’ rule. They settle for people who are headed in a completely different direction; they settle for people whose minds are all over the place; they settle for people who have completely different understandings of what a relationship is about. 

If you intend to build a lasting relationship, you must first check if you and your prospective partner have the same vision. Do you have the same moral code? Are you headed in the same direction? It does not mean every outline of your vision has to match word to word, but in the general trend, are you headed in the same direction? Do you have the same values? Cos if you don’t the relationship is doomed before it even begins. 

Opposites attract: This is rule number two; and no it is not a contradiction to rule number one. It is also not a compulsory rule unlike number one which is a key rule. It is important however to carry this ‘opposites attract’ rule at the back of your mind to prevent missing out on an amazing partner. The fact that a person has the same vision and direction as you does not mean they must have the same personality. Personality wise, many couples are opposites. While one can talk the roof down even in the midst of strangers, the other one is more reserved. While one partner approaches life with a fun ‘happy-go-lucky’ attitude, the other might be more grounded and serious, yet they still have the same vision and values. Don’t write someone off because their attitude is different from yours. The variety personalities bring to a relationship makes things more interesting. 

So before you go into your next relationship, bear these two rules in mind:

Like calls to like: Go for a person who has the same values, the same vision, and is on the same path as you. Go for someone who matches you intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. 

Opposites attract: Appreciate the difference in personality between you and a potential partner; appreciate the diversity and fun factor it adds to your relationship. Don’t write anyone off because he or she is not like you personality-wise.

Three Things You Should Consider Before Giving An Ultimatum

A young lady posed a question about herself. She has been dating a certain man for three years and she made it clear at the beginning of the relationship, her intention to settle down soon. However, the man seem not to be ready and she was thinking of giving him an ultimatum on Valentine’s Day. “Marry me or I’ll walk out”. People had split opinions on whether she ought to stay or not. I think there are times people need a push to move and ultimatums could be such needed push.

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There are times we find ourselves in relationships that seem to have reached a deadlock. There seem to be no future in view and we are scared of quitting same. It just seem like we are going round in circles with no way leading forward and our partner seem to be fine with this.  Times like this require for you to have ‘the talk’ and depending on the circumstances, an ultimatum might not be a bad idea.  

Ultimatums can birth ugly results like getting a negative answer. Whoever is going to give an ultimatum should brace himself/herself. Matter of fact, things can’t get worse than they already are so the sooner you know where you stand in someone’s life, the better.

Not all situations are the same and there are factors that one ought to consider in giving ultimatums. Such factors are as discussed below.

Age: - We all use the idiom ‘age is just a number’ but on deeper consideration, it is not true all the time. It is not the most reasonable move when you start putting pressure on a 23 year old man to settle down, same goes for a girl of 19 or 20years. It doesn’t matter that you have dated for 5 years, his age might be a good reason why he doesn’t feel mentally ready to settle down. This means that a financially stable young adult might still feel the need to give his career more priority than his relationship. Hence it doesn’t make much sense giving such person an ultimatum. Instead, engage him in discussions that would make you know his plans. What matters in this instance is for you to know if you are part of that plan and also if you have as much time to wait.

How long have you been dating : - A friend of mine shared with me how a girl he only just met in the previous week started a discussion on what and what not she wanted for her wedding. She also introduced him to a group of friends as her boyfriend. He said he was both shocked and bemused considering that was the second time he was seeing her. Needless to say, he backtracked out of her life. This means that there is that period of ‘getting to know each other’. This period is however dependent on each person’s situation. If you are dating a woman of marriageable age, it is only fair that such woman would have plans of settling down within a year or two. If such woman perceives you are stalling, she might be giving an ultimatum soon.

What sort of arrangement do you have: - The lady that shared her story on the blog was upfront with the fact that she wanted something serious. There are also times when a man/a woman despite being of age has other things on his/her plate which they already discussed with their partner. It could be educational or career advancement. If these goals are not met such person might not feel ready and so giving ultimatums in such instance may not be fair.

Whatever happens, ultimatums are both good and bad, it could turn out to be that much needed push to the right direction and it could also confirm your fears that you have been wasting your time. It also can make you feel really insecure as you may never know if the person you gave an ultimatum truly cares about you or just felt pressured. Whatever the situation is, it is a disservice to yourself to stay in a relationship that is heading nowhere. You should always have plans even if they don’t fall through.

Is Your Partner Dating You?

telegraph.co.uk

It may seem like an odd question but it is a valid one especially for the ladies today; although, I cannot deny the possibility that some men will relate to this post. Relationships are being considered to be achievements by many people these days; hence most people aren’t dating for the sake of having a partner they are committed to. People are dating just so they can tell people they have someone somewhere who they believe cares about them even though the real pictures suggest otherwise. 

I’ll just get right to it and say these days, many women are dating men who are not dating them and vice versa. Many women are heavily invested in relationships with men who are cannot be bothered to invest a single shred of their emotions in them. Many women are in relationships that have no direction or vision, and are simply going with the flow to avoid being single and treated like lepers by all their happily-dating, happily-engaged, and happily-married friends. Some women even go to the extent of making plans in their heads about relationships that do not have any impact on them whatsoever. The important thing for them is to be in a relationship, and earn the right to speak on relationship matters. To be praised by society for ‘achieving’ a romantic relationship albeit dysfunctional is a higher priority to many women than finding a relationship that serves a functional purpose. 

Understand this: If a man is not investing his time in you, then he is not dating you. If you have to fight and throw emotional tantrums on WhatsApp to get him to pay you a visit, he is not dating you. Yes, you might be dating him because he took time out to ask you to be exclusive, but that action alone is not enough for you to endure his pseudo-absence. A man who is into you will make time for you without you having to fight for it. 

If a man is not investing his energy and emotions, or sharing his knowledge and vision with you, he is not dating you. Don’t make excuses for him by saying he’s reserved. I am reserved and I talk when I’m with someone I care deeply about. That excuse is not valid. A man who simply picks you up for a good time, and drops you off till there’s another ‘good time hangout’ available is not dating you, even if you have it in your head that you are in a relationship with him. 

If a man is not investing any money in you, he is certainly not dating you. Now, understand that I don’t mean he has to deposit millions in your account or pay your tuition fees. No he doesn’t have to go that far. He does however has to show he’s into you through the gifts he gives, and the little contributions he makes to help make ends meet, even if you can afford it on your own. Many women are trying so hard to prove they are not gold diggers, they are ending up with men who see no need to invest in them financially. You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. A man who is dating you will invest in you financially too. 

Ladies, stop the cycle of trying to hold down the fort simply to prove you can make a relationship work. A relationship should not feel like work. It should be the one place where you feel your partner is with you every step of the way, and cares deeply about everything you wish to achieve.

Five Factors that Set the Stage for Abusive Relationships

theopenmind.com

Sometime last year, I read Dr Phil’s life code, and one thing he kept reiterating in the book is that in life, there are no victims; there are only volunteers. It may seem like a harsh statement especially if you’re in an abusive relationship, or just got saved from one by the skin of your teeth. I recently came to the conclusion that victims of abusive relationships set the stage for their abuse by engaging/indulging one of the five factors below:

Settling for less than what you are worth: Many people engage and entertain people who do not deserve them in a bid to satisfy misguided teachings on humility. People go into relationships with the intention of giving up who they are to make the other person more comfortable around them. The moment you begin to do this, you are sending a message to your partner that you do not value yourself, and you don’t mind being subdued. Once the message is clearly received, abuse is inevitable. 

Dating insecure people: We often claim jealousy is a sign of love, and sometimes that can be true. However, there is a thin line between jealousy that comes from a place of love, and jealousy that comes from a place of insecurity. Does your partner want to know everyone you have spoken to during the course of the day? Do you get accused of cheating every time you answer a phone call or speak fondly of a friend? Then you are with an insecure person who will lash out in ways you least expect. Insecure people often show their true colours when you start to get to know them. They talk about their exes being gold diggers. They talk about people being too pompous. They belittle the achievements of others to a point where you feel you need to shut up about your own achievements (factor number one). If you see any of these signs, abuse is on the horizon. 

 Pretending you want nothing in return: You make yourself available for abuse if you constantly offer to give and give, and do not expect anything in return. If you are the type who gives off the vibe that you are willing to do anything to make a relationship succeed without any input from the other individual, then you are up for long-term abuse. People will not only take what you offer. They will take much more than that and leave you empty. Always have it in mind that your efforts alone cannot sustain a relationship. It takes two to tango. 

Not setting the tone straight from the start: Many people are too scared of coming across as shrewd, so they let a lot of things slide during the inception stages of a relationship. They tie up loose ends, and try as much as possible to tolerate what they can’t. After a while, they burst at the seams and try to switch back to default, resulting in a defensive response (abuse) from the other person. Always make what you can and cannot take clear from the beginning. Yes, you will lose some potential partners, but the one who stays will be completely worth it. 

Isolating friends and family: This one is a big factor, and many people do it subconsciously. When you start a new relationship, you want to spend as much time as possible with that person. That is not a bad thing. It becomes an issue when you start to cancel plans with friends, and avoid spending time with family all in a bid to show your partner you’d rather spend time with him or her. The message you are sending across here is that your partner is more important to you than the life you had before the relationship started, and you would give up everything for him or her in an instant. This suggests that you worship (in a wrong way) the ground your partner walks on, and all aspects of your life revolve around him or her. 

Be careful guys and ladies. Stay away from abusive tendencies.

How To Overcome Porn Addiction

Image via wikihow.com

Chick flicks used to be my favorites. I discovered I didn’t have much patience trying to find out clues and read meanings to complicated metaphors when watching movies (I remember feeling this sort of impatience when I watched Inception). In my opinion, there is a lot of stress in the world already so movie time shouldn’t be as mentally consuming. All I really want is to sit down to an uncomplicated plot mixed with light humor. Since most of the chick flicks are centered on relationships, some generalizations are sometimes made. Fornication is never a big deal and I have seen a few where possession of pornographic materials is portrayed as healthy (well, that is just before it becomes an addiction).

This particular theme got me thinking about the consequences of pornographic addiction especially after reading three different posts on the same day by different people on different forums crying out for help with regards to their spouses’ porn addiction.

Sadly, there are many things that are immoral but are seen as norms in the society and one of such is the ever growing porn industry that is probably worth billions of dollars just like the alcohol and tobacco industries. The industry thrives on perversion so there are lots of propaganda that make it seem healthy just before one discovers just how addictive it can become. It sometimes starts as a curiosity and then it goes into an overdrive. The internet makes accessibility so much easier. There is even a company that erected masturbation booths in New York recently to help relieve stress. The booth is said to be well equipped with pornographic magazines and other materials that makes it a ‘pleasurable experience’. This means it is acceptable for one to casually stroll to this booth during break time or some other time solely for self-gratification. People caught in this addictive web form other unhealthy habits such as incessant self-gratification, unhealthy sexual appetites and fantasies, some even rape to fulfil their heightened desires.

The ills that can develop from this addiction cannot be over emphasized. Some people find it hard to maintain regular relationships with the opposite sex while some who are lucky enough to get married,  discover that they are unable to satisfy their partners due to lack of stimulation which they have become conditioned to get only from watching or looking at pornographic materials. Some also find that they consistently compare their partners to the images they watch. This breeds a very dissatisfying marriage and lifestyle generally. There are believers that have been caught in this dangerous web of self destruction.

The ultimate question now becomes “How does one overcome Porn addiction?”

Addiction is hard to break and the first step to recovery is accepting that there is a problem. You also have to overcome your fears of being judged and speak to those that truly care about you so that they can provide needed support. You can also reach out to different support groups, there are many online and there might be some around your community/church.

It is also very important to socialize more and engage in other activities that can keep the mind occupied enough not to slip back due to boredom.

Whatever formula you employ in your journey towards recovery, bear in mind that the most important thing is your will power to overcome. You have to gather all the inner strength you can find to keep going and not to look back. Also pray for grace and constantly read the word of God to be regularly reminded of who you are.

You can read more HERE

Lifesaver or Lazy parenting? The Babocush has sparked a parenting debate

The Babocush is such a nice and convenient innovation. To some, it is seen as a lifesaver while others see it as lazy parenting.

The video about this new innovation has racked up over 10 million views and over 24,000 comments on Facebooksince it was uploaded on the 18th of January 2016. Within a couple of days, the babocush crashed because of the high volume of orders.

Get Out Now!

themindunleashed.org

When I first wrote “on the brink of insanity; the case of Janet Bond”, I had no idea I’d be reiterating the same post in relation to a friend’s actions. Last night I was informed that a friend I met at university stabbed her husband to death. The circumstances surrounding his murder remain unclear. While some people claim she was acting in self-defence because he was abusive, others claim she was an infidel who stabbed her husband after he caught her with a lover. Some people claim she discovered he fathered a son; her family claims she’s innocent; her friends claim it must have been a moment of temporary insanity; childhood buddies find it difficult to relate the lady we know with murder. I am having the same difficulty, but the truth is that a man is dead. He was murdered by his wife. He had been stabbed by her earlier in the day, treated at the hospital, and when he returned home to sleep, for some reason, he was stabbed again. A major artery was cut open, and he lost his life within a few minutes. 

Last month, in South Africa, a lady patiently waited in the dead of the night for a kettle of water to boil, and a pan of cooking oil to heat up. She mixed the two hot fluids and poured them on her boyfriend’s penis because he allegedly cheated on her. Sometime last year, while I was waiting for a friend in front of her apartment complex, a car exploded before my very eyes, and one person jumped out…on fire… to open the driver’s door so the other reluctant fellow could get out of the car. I later got to learn that they were lovers arguing, and at some point, one of them (can’t tell if it was the man or the woman) rolled up the windows, poured an accelerant all over the car interior and lit a match. The car burned to the ground with explosive sounds. The two people were on fire for no less than three minutes. I was traumatized for days.

Classic cases of crimes of passion, or should I rather say crimes of obsession.

Here’s something you need to understand as an individual: different people will awaken different demons in you. You might be cool, calm, and collected as a single person, but act like a monster when you are in a relationship…with the wrong person. The truth is the wrong person is not necessarily a bad person. The wrong person is just someone whose goals, visions and way of life do not align with yours. Someone whose ‘demons’ cannot have an amicable discussion with your ‘demons’. Now in such a situation, you have two options: to walk away, cut your losses, and move on or to ensure things work out irrespective of the deeply-ingrained character odds you both face. The latter is where obsession begins. Obsession is what leads to thoughts of violence, the actual perpetration of violence, and in many cases, the end results are fatal…. Like in the case of my friend. 

It does not have to reach that point. You can stop yourself from going overboard. You can hold yourself back from crossing to the dark side. You have the power to hold back and walk away. The moment you ingrain this in your mind, you have already won over the voices in your head that constantly tell you must make it work.

Of course, the voices in your head that tell you to choose obsession over freedom are not the only ones you have to win. 

To continue reading this post, please click here

Finding the Perfect Balance for You and Your Partner.

I believe the key to a healthy relationship besides having the right mindset and the right attitude towards relationships as a whole, is learning to find the balance that works for you and your partner. Truly, there are set rules in love and life that can help build a good foundation, but bear in mind that it is of utmost importance that you both write your own rules as partners and stick to them. 

Many people believe in relationships run like organizations, where the level of efficiency is just flawless. Each person is aware of the role they have to play and they play it effectively without any complaints, emotional outbursts of frustration or even the urge to try something new. For others, they want relationships where whoever is available does the needful. These relationships are not your organization-styled type of unions, but for some people, they work. For some people, long-distance relationships are absolutely perfect. They see no need to live in the same city as their partner, while for others, being in close proximity to their partners as often as possible is of high importance. The question you should ask yourself is “what kind of relationship do I want to be in?” 

youthministry360.com

There is no right or wrong when it comes to finding what works for you and your partner. What is most important is that you learn a lot about each other to find that balance. I recently glanced through an article where a man’s wife divorced him because he continuously left his dishes in the sink after eating, and could not for the love of his life clean up after himself. It became very clear from reading that article that having a partner who respects her time, energy and schedule was highly important to that woman. She needed a man who understood the need to clean up after himself and could not bear to be with one who could not be bothered. I don’t know if she raised the issue with him countless times, but evidently, from the tone of that article, they were unable to find a balance.

The sad thing about relationships these days is that people are being taught to compromise much more than they are being taught to appreciate and respect. People are being told what their relationships should be like, the milestones they should reach at certain times, and the objectives they should set as a couple. My advice? Throw all of that out. Sit together and map out your own objectives and future milestones; discuss your own model of a relationship and stick to it. Sit together and write your own rules. Build a relationship that works for you and makes you happy, rather than a relationship that pleases societal nodes but makes you deliriously miserable. 

The balance of your relationship lies in understanding the uniqueness of your partner and working together to align your strengths and weaknesses in such a way that it results in a healthy union. Don’t let your model be based on what everyone else is saying it should be. Let your model be based on what ensures you are truly happy in your union. To have a healthy relationship, your happiness is key. Find your own balance.

STOP DOMESTIC ABUSE!!!

Nobody saw it coming, it all happened in a flash. She went in fully clothed and ran out within minutes with every bit of clothing she wore shredded. Her husband was at it again. Nobody knows the underlining story but rumor has it that she is an unfaithful wife. But the beatings are so scary that all the neighbours wonder why she never left in spite of her failing health.

Dirty cooking pans littered a corner of the room. The guys in room D just finished their supper and were chattering in their usual way when the muffled sound they have all come to realize belonged to Kole, the guy next door seeped through the crack in the wall. A more audible voice could be heard giving orders ‘kneel down and say your mother is crazy’. Kole muffled some more amidst sobs and frantic apologies to his enraged girlfriend whose semi high pitched voice was raining more orders. The boys are bemused as always, indeed they agreed Kole needs an intervention.

Lai had a long day at work, he was looking forward to a long shower and a quiet evening when he was met at the door by his angry wife. All he could make out from the noise was how he had failed to pay for the cable services which led to their cable getting disconnected. The insults she was howling at him felt like different jabs of sharp edged knives being thrown at different parts of his body. He was going to turn back when she stood in the way, pushing and shoving as she screamed for him to react. A push from him to get her out of the way sent her flat on the ground which was followed by a hysteria and a loud call for the neighbours to come to her rescue. His life is a living hell. Nobody fully understands his plight, all they say is ‘she is a woman’ and he needs to be a gentleman.

As I was writing this post, someone on my contact list put up a picture of a middle aged man that was said to have been stabbed dead by his wife, the wife is also said to have sustained some  injuries. They both have been in a fight apparently but only one of them made it alive and she has been arrested at the moment.

Abuse is not limited to one gender, it cuts across both genders. One life is not more important than the other. Lives are lost, enemies are made,homes are destroyed and the list just keeps getting longer.

It is very sad how ‘love’ degenerates to such level. We cannot stop raising the awareness and talking about abuse till everyone understands that abuse always births casualties;  loss of life, loss of self, children and so many other losses. Something always gives.

Nobody deserves such dehumanizing treatment.

There are always signs to watch out for. We all are not of the same temperament but emotions can be managed. Be careful not to allow yourself cross that line of reasonability. Jealousy can fast get out of hand. If you have problems trusting your partner, talk about what might be the cause. Don’t allow your insecurities override your judgement.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. There are respectful ways of resolving issues. Try to avoid using provocative words or pushing and shoving your partner while arguing.

Love is kind and patient. Love is slow to anger. It stops being love when you allow yourself to bear grudges that lead to deep resentment for your partner.

Nobody is perfect, your partner is a work in progress and so are you. Provocation or not,violence is never an option.

If you are an abuser, take responsibility for your actions and seek help. Deal with all your underlying issues. Also go for counselling and pray. Manipulation isn't a way of showing love.

If you are a victim of abuse, speak out. Run and Look for support groups (they are everywhere). Dead people don’t speak. Stop making excuses, you deserve to live and be loved right.