A young lady posed a question about herself. She has been
dating a certain man for three years and she made it clear at the beginning of
the relationship, her intention to settle down soon. However, the man seem not
to be ready and she was thinking of giving him an ultimatum on Valentine’s Day.
“Marry me or I’ll walk out”. People had split opinions on whether she ought to
stay or not. I think there are times people need a push to move and ultimatums
could be such needed push.
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| Image via www.girlgetsmarried.com |
There are times we find ourselves in relationships that seem
to have reached a deadlock. There seem to be no future in view and we are
scared of quitting same. It just seem like we are going round in circles with
no way leading forward and our partner seem to be fine with this. Times like this require for you to have ‘the
talk’ and depending on the circumstances, an ultimatum might not be a bad idea.
Ultimatums can birth ugly results like getting a negative
answer. Whoever is going to give an ultimatum should brace himself/herself. Matter
of fact, things can’t get worse than they already are so the sooner you know
where you stand in someone’s life, the better.
Not all situations are the same and there are factors that
one ought to consider in giving ultimatums. Such factors are as discussed below.
Age: - We all use the idiom ‘age is just a number’ but on
deeper consideration, it is not true all the time. It is not the most
reasonable move when you start putting pressure on a 23 year old man to settle
down, same goes for a girl of 19 or 20years. It doesn’t matter that you have
dated for 5 years, his age might be a good reason why he doesn’t feel mentally ready
to settle down. This means that a financially stable young adult might still
feel the need to give his career more priority than his relationship. Hence it doesn’t
make much sense giving such person an ultimatum. Instead, engage him in
discussions that would make you know his plans. What matters in this instance
is for you to know if you are part of that plan and also if you have as much
time to wait.
How long have you been dating : - A friend of mine shared
with me how a girl he only just met in the previous week started a discussion
on what and what not she wanted for her wedding. She also introduced him to a
group of friends as her boyfriend. He said he was both shocked and bemused
considering that was the second time he was seeing her. Needless to say, he
backtracked out of her life. This means that there is that period of ‘getting
to know each other’. This period is however dependent on each person’s
situation. If you are dating a woman of marriageable age, it is only fair that
such woman would have plans of settling down within a year or two. If such
woman perceives you are stalling, she might be giving an ultimatum soon.
What sort of arrangement do you have: - The lady that shared
her story on the blog was upfront with the fact that she wanted something
serious. There are also times when a man/a woman despite being of age has other
things on his/her plate which they already discussed with their partner. It could
be educational or career advancement. If these goals are not met such person
might not feel ready and so giving ultimatums in such instance may not be fair.
Whatever happens, ultimatums are both good and bad, it could
turn out to be that much needed push to the right direction and it could also
confirm your fears that you have been wasting your time. It also can make you feel really insecure as you may never know if the person you gave an ultimatum truly cares about you or just felt pressured. Whatever the situation is, it is a disservice to yourself to stay in a relationship that is heading nowhere.
You should always have plans even if they don’t fall through.
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