The popular saying
that "some mothers do have them" is a realistic phrase in issues of
life. A mother's love cannot be quantified or replaced with another but when
this love is the only air you breathe such that you start to suffocate and
other sources of air (love) are being refrained, then you need help. A mother's
love starts when the baby is conceived till he/she is born and grows through
the different stages of life.
Our mothers are there to take decisions for us or
guide us in decision making while growing up, but the guidance should change to
advice when we become adults so that we can take decisions solely and learn
from our mistakes, however mothers want to remain the decision maker in our
lives even as adults. This is common among Africans because we live with our
parents till we get married unlike in Western countries where you have to stay
on your own from age 18 and take decisions about your life.
I appreciate my mum's
love in my life for guiding me through school and even influencing the course I
read in school. She also played a major role in choosing my life partner and
planning my wedding (she had 90% say while I had 10% say in the planning) which
I appreciate and didn't complain. Now
I am a married woman with the title
"Mrs" but my mum still want to take decisions for me in my marriage.
She want to know what I prepare for my husband, she want to know the amount my
husband gives me as allowance, she want to know if my husband changes my
wardrobe monthly....she want to know things yet to happen in my
marriage...........Mum, I listened to you growing up but now I want to take my
own decisions and discover myself so I can learn and move on in life not get
stuck waiting on you to live my life for me.
Our mothers love for
us can become a negative influence on our marriages which can mar the
relationships between us and our spouses. A guy's marriage was destroyed
because he allowed his mum's love (love of being the only son) influence his
marriage, she didn't allow his wife to cook for him because she did all the
cooking giving excuses that her son prefers his meals to be prepared in a
particular way which she has been doing since he was a child....the frustrated
wife requested that the husband address the issue and other issues (the mum
buys the foodstuffs because she knows a cheaper market, the husband's siblings
visit them at will and end up staying for days, the wife can't have a peaceful
conversation with the husband without interruption from her mother-in-law etc)
or they take a break from the one-man marriage; which they did.
In one of my focus
group with a couple of friends, the oldest guy amongst us narrated the issues
he faced as a result of his mum's influence in his life.
"At the death
of his father when he was just few years old, he grew up knowing his mother to
be his everything. Being his everything means he saw a father in his mother, a
mother in his mother, a sister in his mother, a brother, an aunt and a friend.
His mum didn't allow him take any decision without her consent even up till
graduation and when he started working. His colleagues at the office often
tease him and refer to him as momma's boy because he requires his mum's consent
on everything, even to attend social functions outside office hours e.g.
colleague's birthday party e.t.c. He lived a cyclic life i.e. from home to the
office, office to home, and to church. No friend visits him esp. females
because he has to get his mum's approval first; he was embarrassed on a
particular day when his mum accused his colleague (female) of coming to their
house to ask her son out in her presence because she was intimidated by the
presence of another woman in her son's life. All these made it difficult for
him to have a good relationship with the opposite sex and marriage was far from
him. The mum later realised that her love for her son has created a barrier
between him and his environment after family members questioned the
non-expiration of his bachelorhood. He initially confronted the family members
that his mum was all he had when no one was there for him but after several
attempt from friends and colleagues, prayer groups etc. He realized that he had
to settle down even against his mum’s wish. He is now married with kids and he
is enjoying the freedom of taking decisions about his life without influence
from his mum (who is not in the same city with him)".
We all need our mothers’
love in our lives which won't blind us from the outside world and prevent us
from living our lives to the fullest (freedom from their influences).
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