The capability trap - so subtle, yet so crippling in future. Unfortunately, many people walk into it, and end up making relationship decisions that affect them in the long run. The capability trap syndrome is prevalent in many relationships today, because at first glance, it does not look like a bad thing. If anything at all, it gives many people, especially women a much need self-esteem boost. The big question is what exactly is it?
I have recently observed and spoken to a few people in relationships where their choices of partners have been based on the adequacy and ability of that partner to fulfill certain needs. And that does not sound like a bad thing. At the end of the day, most of us want partners we can vibe with, win with, and scale hurdles with. However, and this is a big however, when that is the only reason you are choosing your partner, or the only reason you are being chosen, you have fallen into the capability or adequacy trap as I call it
What does the capability trap feel like? It makes you feel like you are adequate, full stop. Your partner relies on you for advice, for information, for help because he or she knows that you are handy in these things. However (and this is another big however), the relationship he or she has with you does not go beyond that point. You are respected because you can make things happen, but when you are emotional, irritable and hurt by anything, you are left to deal with it on your own. In fact, in many capability traps, the 'capable partner' is hardly considered when emotional decisions are being made. The attraction and interest begins and ends when there is a situation that needs to be handled. You will be praised for your ability to handle these issues, but never truly valued or nurtured.
How do people fall into the capability trap? By feeling they need to prove their worth to their partners. Many people bend over backwards 'unnecessarily' (note the quote marks and italics) to prove they are worth being with, worth staying with, worth marrying, This creates the impression that they are not as important as their partner and gives that partner the impression that his/her needs will always be satisfied. Why is that such a bad thing? It doesn't lead you to your desired destination of genuine love and respect because you cannot earn love. By walking into the capability trap, you are putting yourself in a position where your partner constantly withdraws from you emotionally, intellectually and in every other possible way, and only makes superficial deposits that are meaningless in the long run.
How do you get out? Simple. Stop trying to earn love or approval. Bend over backwards only when necessary. Put your needs at the forefront too, and always fully express how you feel. Don't get caught in a trap by trying to motivate for the things your bring to the table. As much as you want to vibe with your partner and clear hurdles for him or her, first be sure that you'll get the same treatment, not just superficially but emotionally too. You deserve as much as you invest in someone else. First be loved, and genuinely so, before you lay the table. XOXO
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