Debunking Relationships and Marriage Myths Series (Post #5)

Myth Number Five: Every Courtship Should Lead To Marriage

If you have missed the last four posts of this series, you can find them by following the applicable links - Post #1; Post #2; Post #3; and Post #4. I saved this one for what I think should be the last post in this series (inspiration for more might come if you pray hehe!), because I believe this is the scariest myth of all. Many christians have stuck so tightly to this myth that I once felt the moment you announce your relationship to your pastor, you are on a journey of no-return....well until death parts you, and believe me, death sort of forgets you exist when you are in such a situation. So to avoid tales that touch, it is a rule for me to not announce my relationship to the church leadership until I am 100 percent sure I am ready to embark on the journey. Don't feel pressured to follow my rule. Please do what works for you. I'll share a story about coursthip.

When I was 17, I had a friend who was much older at church. A young man had taken interest in her, and as required by some churches, had gone to the pastor to relate his interest. The pastor and some elders called her and revealed her husband to her, and so the courtship began. Now, this friend of mine was what some Christians might call a 'semi-worldly' woman. She listened to Beyonce, hung out with 'secular' friends, and was the life of the party everywhere she went. The young man in question was very dedicated to his gospel songs; did not believe in reading Danielle Steel novels when Joyce Meyer was available and saw no edification in the so-called secular music his courtship partner seemed to enjoy. Months went by and the strain became obvious. My friend withdrew into a shell I didn't know was there and snapped at almost every opportunity she got. There was no need to consult a soothsayer. The courtship was not working according to plan. After a couple more months, my friend decided to break the courtship cord. Things were not working out and she was losing her genuine self the more she stayed in the relationship so it came down to choosing between her genuine self and choosing what would be termed a 'successful courtship'. She chose herself. The guy married someone else the following year and she only got married a couple of years later. When she spoke about her husband, she glowed, her eyes had a sparkle, she was genuinely happy. Her former courtship partner and her were on good terms. Everything worked out

It taught me something about courtship although I'm only realizing it now - a successful courtship can be one that does not end in marriage. A courtship should be about you getting to know each other better in preparation for marriage but that does not mean it has to end in marriage. A successful courtship can result in you parting as friends, being realistic with your differences and understanding that you are not doomed simply because you refused to go through with it till the end. 

Unfortunately, many Christian brothers and sisters believe that courtship must end in marriage, so they keep patching the holes and ignoring their differences. Don't fool yourself. Marriage should be enjoyed not endured. You don't have to go through with it if the spark is not there. You don't have to endure it because your pastor 'hooked you up'. You don't have to stay in it because you're scared you won't meet someone else. Be realistic; be genuine with yourself, and above all, be happy. XOXO. 

If you have any feedback on this series, do email me at dfayemiwo@gmail.com 

Debunking Relationships and Marriage Myths Series (Post #4)

Myth Number Four: Money is not a requirement

forbes.com

If there is one thing the everyday christian does not want to be caught pursuing, it is money. The scripture 'the love of money is the root of all evil' is one that is deeply rooted in the heart of everyone, so much that we often overlook the need for financial compatibility when choosing a spouse. Many studies have shown that the two top reasons marriages break up are money and sex. If money is such an important factor in marriage, why aren't we discussing it?


I have read many stories of people who shared testimonies of financial grass to grace in their marriages, and more often than not, the purpose of these testimonies is to steer others down the same path. There is a general belief that your relationship will be much stronger if you both start with nothing and build your way up together. There is a general belief that seeking financial comfort as a factor in your relationship means you are highly superficial and not ready for the indepth journey of marriage. Well, that is not true.

There is nothing wrong with starting with nothing; but there is also nothing wrong with starting with something. My advice? Let your personal preference come to play. There is nothing evil about starting off a marriage with enough money to support your lifestyle as a couple. As a matter of fact, it is a plus for your marriage. It eliminates the need to worry over the basics i.e. food, clothing, shelter and all the associated bills. It gives you the emotional time and space to focus on other things, and it eliminates unnecessary quarrels and incidences of low self-esteem expression.

Contrary to what you might have been told, money is not evil. Greed is. No one is asking you to go looking for Dangote or to run after Bill Gates (both of whom I believe are happily married so don't waste your energy). You should pick a partner who brings something substantial to the table to avoid unnecessary fights and bitterness in future. Pick a partner who you are financially comfortable with just as you are emotionally and intellectually comfortable with them. Choose a partner who understands your lifestyle because it complements theirs. Don't go looking at the bottom of the barrel to prove you are christian. Money is a requirement for marriage, and it's high time you begin to take it into consideration. 

Debunking Relationships and Marriage Myths Series (Post #3)

franthony.com

Myth Number Three: You can change your partner

Let me just say from the beginning that I sincerely think people who believe this are gluttons for punishment who are too lazy to seek out the right person, or too impatient to wait for the right person. 

It is a very common ideology, even among christian brothers and sisters, that a person can be changed if they are provided with the right guidance in a romantic relationship. I see it happen every single day - a christian brother picks a sister he believes is too worldly, and sets his sight on winning her soul for Christ through marriage. A Christian sister picks a brother who's set in his ways and starts to strategize on ways to change him...all in the erroneous hope that this will increase her closeness to God and make her a favorite of heaven. I don't know if 'sad' is an apt description for these thoughts or if 'ignorance' is more descriptive. Whichever words you choose, I hope 'wrong' is one of them. 

I find it disturbing first of all that people want to change other people - not to help them become better versions of themselves or help them maximize their strengths, but to change them completely to someone they believe they can live with. The moment a christian brother hears a lady he is interested in drinks alcohol, he starts to strategize on bible verses he can send to her. The moment a sister hears a brother she likes is already sexually active, she embarks on prayers and fasting to motivate the holy spirit to arrest him. These 'spiritual' antics continue and instead of acceptance, the relationship becomes one of correction, coercion, and sometimes obsessive control. Funny isn't it? Rather than walk away and engage a more suitable spouse who shares the same values, many people seek to control and hope to change grown people who are not uncomfortable with the way they live.

The saddest part is that many of our christian brothers and sisters go into marriages with partners who are clearly unsuitable for them with the hope that marriage will change them, love will change them, prayers will change them, stability will change them. If you've been promoting this school of thought anywhere, please stop. Just stop. My question is if that person is unsuitable for you, why don't you just move on? What makes you think you are qualified to change anyone?

You cannot change a grown person. Please let that sink in. You can't change a person who does not want to change, and even if he or she wants to change, it will not be by your efforts. Meet people as they are, have the positive impact you can, and leave them in God's hands. Trying to change a person especially after marrying them is like trying to catch a plane at the train station - not going to happen. Marriage does not change people; it enhances who they are. Yes, there have been testimonies of men and women who changed after they got married. Please understand that marriage is not what changed them. They probably had moments of reflection and decided they wanted to be better in future. They took the decision on their own, they were not coerced, judged or even preached into it. Same way you cannot force a person to accept Jesus into their lives, you cannot change a person even in marriage. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak and failure. Don't set yourself up for unnecessary prayers that will not go beyond your ceiling. Don't set yourself up for marriage doom. Don't set yourself up for "you met me this way, yet you married me. Why are you complaining now?" If a person's lifestyle is not in agreement with yours, let them go. You won't die if you wait a little longer and search a little deeper. Be blessed in your choices. XOXO

Debunking Relationships and Marriage Myths Series (Post #2)

Myth Number Two: 

If you follow the christian dating process, you will get the results

If there is one myth many Christians believe wholeheartedly, it's the myth of 'Christian dating' and what it entails. There is a general belief that if you follow the rules of Christian dating, then your marriage will be successful. Why then are many christian marriages hitting the rocks and lacking fulfillment? Many churches have different definitions of what christian dating entails but here are some constant points that are not debatable: 1.) You must ensure from the on-set that your partner is a born-again christian 2.) You cannot spend time together without a chaperone else you fall into temptation.

eharmoy.com

First things first, you have to ensure that your partner is a born again christian before you even take a step further in your friendship or agree to a courtship. How do you ascertain this fact? By asking two important questions "are you a born again christian?" and "when did you give your life to Christ and what happened?" I have my own questions: How does answering yes to the first question prove anything besides the fact that the person you're asking responded to an altar call in church? Does it prove that his/her mind has been renewed? Does it prove that he/she lives each day in line with God's word? Nope. 

 Secondly, how does narrating the commitment of one's life to Christ prove anything? What assurance do you have that the person's life is still with Christ? People give their lives to Christ and they take their lives back sometimes. Why does something need to happen for a person to give their life to Christ? And why is it deemed an 'incomplete' decision if nothing significant happened for that person to take that decision? Do favorable answers to these two questions set the foundation for a stable relationship? NO. Do they tell you what you really need to know about the other person? NOPE. What they do is give that person room to prepare textbook responses that suit the image you are looking for. After you get married, you start wondering how this born-again sister/brother is capable of emotional, physical and psychological abuse. You followed the due process why aren't you getting the results? This leads me to the second condition.

Debunking Relationships and Marriage Myths Series (Post #1)

huffingtonpost.com

Myth  Number One: A Person who fits the bill of a husband or wife material will make a perfect partner

I have heard it so many times - the "she's not wife material" and "he's not husband material" excuse. It appears everyone is hunting for a particular type of material which brings up many questions in my head. What makes a person wife material or husband material? Where did this ideology come from and why do we believe in it so much? 

I have met many married wife materials and their husbands who are enduring their relationships and not exactly enjoying them. I have met many husband materials and their wives who are on the brink of  divorce and starting to develop bitterness towards one another. If the wife/husband material myth was meant to bring perfect marriages, what then is going wrong? Why are many wife and husband materials abused in their relationships? Why are they unhappy? Why do they lack fulfillment? It's because the idea of husband/wife material as we see it is a flawed one that has resulted in many wrong marriage decisions. 

The idea of a person being a wife or husband material stems from a rule of qualities that person is expected to have. E.g. A wife material should be submissive, respectful, be able to keep the home together, be prayerful, be able to bite her tongue when necessary, be a great cook and domestic house chores type of person...the list goes on. A husband material should earn more than his wife, be more educated than she is, take the responsibility of her well-being upon himself...again the list goes on. Now there is nothing wrong with the list if it is in line with what YOU as an individual can live with. However, you must bear in mind that these list of qualities suggest that perfection is required to build a happy marriage. I can tell you now that that is so not true. The fact that a person is perfect on paper does not mean he or she will make a great partner. Building a great relationship is actually more dependent on chemistry than a checklist. 

18 years of marriage and getting stronger. Here are ten tips for wonderful marriage

Today we celebrate eighteen years of a wonderful marriage. We started not knowing too much about the journey but one thing that we knew was that it was going to work. We trusted God and made God the centre of our relationship.

We have also been marriage counsellors for over 12 years and we have also learnt what it takes to make a happy marriage.

As we bless and thank God for our marriage, here are ten tips that we would like to share with you for a glorious marriage:

Conversation between Adam and Eve after the fall in the garden of Eden

Husbands and wives should watch this. This is a possible conversation that may have taken place between Adam and Eve after the fall in the garden of Eden.

Listen and learn. No matter what happens, the two should always be one.



What do you think?

No matter what happens, the two should always be one.