13 Things I Learnt From Reading Toke Makinwa's On Becoming

One of my favourite people came by my house last weekend and asked if I had read Toke Makinwa’s On Becoming. Coincidentally, she was the fifth person asking that same question in the three days since the launch of the book and I must confess that with the unending conversations about the book on my various social media timelines, the decision to hold off reading it till later became harder to keep.

So, I jumped on the wagon and picked up a copy in a bid to get in with the ‘tea while it is still hot’

I didn’t expect for it to interest me the way it did because I had earlier thought it was just an extended version of the stories earlier circulated in the blogs concerning her marital issues but I was wrong.

With no use of pretentious metaphors, Toke bared herself in every line sharing her story of pain, love, hurt, misdeeds, betrayal and growth .

It was almost hard to believe that she went through all she wrote about which further drives home the saying that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Many of us do a great job of masking her pains with smiles.
I promised my friend that I will share what I learnt from reading the book and they are as written below:-

Tragic events can shake even the strongest believer. The many unanswered questions surrounding her parents death took a toll on her and shook her belief thereby making her derail from her foundational Christian beliefs.

A lot can be destroyed by acts of malice: The fire incident that claimed the lives of her parents and their caretakers could have been avoided if their two caretakers were on talking terms. The ripple effect of that act of malice is just too heart-breaking.

One person’s dedication isn’t enough to sustain a relationship: It was obvious she was the one in an exclusive relationship with her ex who on the other hand, was involved with many other women that he made no effort in concealing.

Don’t judge yourself for someone else’s misdeeds: she kept blaming herself for not being good enough for her philandering ex while ignoring the fact that her ex made those choices as a conscious adult.

Bad relationships birth insecurity: she started seeing other women in her ex’s life as competition causing her to make serious lifestyle changes and also act irrationally in some instances. Like when she thought her ex was lying about his mother’s death because of the history they had.

Abuse isn't necessarily physical: Her ex made her feel like she was lacking in some areas by the many cases of cheating. He didn't seem to care about how deeply he hurt her by continuous repetition of his philandering acts thereby abusing her mentally and emotionally.

Do not ignore the signs: there were so many signs pointing to the wrongness of her choice. Her ex chose the other women over her a couple of times. He was so detached from her feelings and even told her that she was the main chic while the other ones were just distractions. He cancelled out on their marriage plans three times. Call it love or just being plain silly, but the signs were so vivid but she chose to ignore all the signs with the hope that he was going to change.

It is never how far but how well: She felt that the long years of dating was enough reason to finally settle down with her ex despite their underlining issues which spanned across all those years. It isn’t always true that the devil you know may be safer than an unknown angel. There are times you need to run as fast as you can before that known devil becomes the death of you.

Marriage can’t ratify a faulty relationship: She naively believed that marriage was going to re-mould her ex and it turned out she assumed wrongly. He was still the same cheat and the status change didn’t change their issues, it just escalated it. It was just a classic case of trying to build a solid structure on a shaky foundation.

Two wrongs don't make a right: Toke shared how she found it hard to step up to her wifely duties as a reaction to her ex's betrayal. She reflected on how that may have further driven them apart and deepened their marital issues.

Only you can save yourself: When it is all said and done, the decision lies in your hands to leave or stay. If you want to stay , no one can ask you not to and if you want to go, the ball is in your court.it is almost unbelievable how long she endured her ex’s indiscretions with the hope that he will change despite all the disapproval from family and friends. In the long run, it turned out that she was the only one that could save herself from that vicious cycle.

Divorce is never an easy decision.

God is always there for us whenever we seek him. She was able to deal with her situation drawing strength from God.

The lessons she also shared at the end of the book was so profound. She shared how the journey has shaped her in becoming a purposeful woman. She also shared how she has learnt to love herself more and forgive in order to truly heal.

Have you read On Becoming by Toke Makinwa?

What lessons did you learn?

Kindly share.